Re: Funny E-mails

by Awinnell Fri 4 Jul 2008 - 17:23

If World War Two had been an RTS game, it would have gone a little something like this....

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game

by **Tommygunner70** Fri 4 Jul 2008 - 21:16

Awinnell wrote:Insert "If World War Two had been an RTS game" here

OMG! that was awesome Very Happy

by **Tommygunner70** Fri 4 Jul 2008 - 21:26

Oh yeah, almost forget to react to this.

West Nile wrote:
Tommygunner70 wrote:
Now for my personal favorite:

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

lol!!....

Hey!!

lol! now that is a funny response.

I am glad to say that I can read that, but that I learned to do so after having gotten laid more then a few times. Though I learned how to read it, i really ought to learn how to write it myself...

by Awinnell Sun 6 Jul 2008 - 14:45

These are quotes from US military personnel

At this command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR)

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in 'fat chance...'" GS-15 (SHAPE)

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS)

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (EUCOM)

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR)

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command.

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It’s no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM)

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from
Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. -- COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(P) develops and implements their strategies.

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult task.

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)

"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above

"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR) [obviously this guy has been to the wrong parts of Paris...]

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"

"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM)

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM)

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM)

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM)

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM) -

by KodokuRyuu Mon 7 Jul 2008 - 2:27

Awinnell wrote:"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM)

I need to use this the next time I procrastinate on something. Very Happy

by LoC978 Mon 7 Jul 2008 - 10:36

CDR (CENTCOM) wrote:"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em."

...and this is why I feel like such a whore... *sob*

MAJ (USAREUR) wrote:"I may be slow, but I do poor work..."

sounds like my first company commander in Germany... if he ever had an honest moment of self-reflection (and yeah, he was a Major).

by KodokuRyuu Mon 7 Jul 2008 - 17:39

Where in Germany were you stationed? My dad was stationed in Germany back when he was in the Army, but I can't remember where.

by LoC978 Mon 7 Jul 2008 - 19:46

The Hanau area (a little east of Frankfurt), but I travelled all over on temporary assignments.

by Awinnell Wed 9 Jul 2008 - 14:32

The International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

by Awinnell Wed 9 Jul 2008 - 14:59

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

by **Tommygunner70** Wed 9 Jul 2008 - 15:47

Awinnell wrote:
http://www.penisland.net/

*Reads URL.*

Puzzled

penis-land :face:

by sasahara17 Mon 14 Jul 2008 - 0:12

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father...Next! '

by **boomer_gonz** Tue 15 Jul 2008 - 19:27

That last one was a riot.

I'm STILL laughing.

by TTIO Mon 21 Jul 2008 - 5:20

Got this off of my friend (who incedentally is not that much of a computer geek...)

IN THE BEGINNING there was a computer, and God said...
God: Let there be light.
Computer: Enter user id.
God: God
Computer: Enter password.
God: Omniscient
Computer: Password incorrect. Try again.
God: Omnipotent
Computer: Password incorrect. Try again.
God: Technocrat
Computer: And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
God: Let there be light!
Computer: Unrecognizable command. Try again.
God: Create light
Computer: Done.
God: Run heaven and earth
Computer: And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
Computer: And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
Computer: Approx. funds remaining: $92.50

Computer: And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Monday, March 2.
God: Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Computer: Unrecognizable command. Try again.
God: Create firmament
Computer: Done.
God: Run firmament
Computer: And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
Computer: And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
Computer: Approx, funds remaining: $84.60.

Computer: And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
God: Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and...
Computer: Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
God: Create dry_land
Computer: Done.
God: Run dry_land
Computer: And God divided the waters. and God saw that there werre 0 errors.
Computer: And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
Computer: Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

Computer: And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
God: Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Computer: Unspecified type. Try again.
God: Creat sun_moon_stars
Computer: Done.
God: Run sun_moon_stars
Computer: And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
Computer: And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
Computer: Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

Computer: And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
God: Create fish
Computer: Done.
God: Create fowl
Computer: Done.
God: Run fish, fowl
Computer: And God created the sea mosters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kinda. And God saw there were 0 errors.
Computer: And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
Computer: Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
Computer: And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6,
God: Create cattle
Computer: Done.
God: Create creepy_things
Computer: Done.
God: Now let us make man in our image
Computer: Unspecified type. Try again.
God: Create man
Computer: Done.
God: Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth an subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over ever living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Computer: Too many command operandi. Try again.
God: Run multiplication
Computer: Execution terminated. 6 errors.
God: Insert breath
Computer: Done.
God: Run multiplication
Computer: Execution terminated. 5 errors.
God: Move man to Garden of Eden
Computer: File Garden of Eden does not exist.
God: Create Garden.edn
Computer: Done.
God: Move man to Garden.edn
Computer: Done
God: Run multiplication
Computer: Execution terminated. 4 errors.
God: Copy woman from man
Computer: Done.
God: Run multiplication
Computer: Execution terminated. 3 errors.
God: Insert woman into man
Computer: Illegal parameters. Try again.
God: Insert man into woman
Computer: Done.
God: Run multiplication
Computer: Execution terminated. 2 errors.
God: Create desire
Computer: Done
God: Run multiplication
Computer: And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn.
Computer: Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
God: Create freewill
Computer: Done
God: Run freewill
Computer: And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn.
Computer: Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
God<: Undo desire
Computer: Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
God: Destroy freewill
Computer: Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Computer: Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
God: Help
Computer: Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Computer: Freewill is an inaccessible file and connot be destroyed.
Computer: Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

God: Create tree_of_knowledge
Computer: And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn.
Computer: Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
God: Create good, evil
Computer: Done.
God: Activate evil
Computer: And God saw he had created shame.
Computer: Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. Computer: 1 errors.
God: Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Computer: Search failed.
God: Delete shame
Computer: Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
God: Destroy freewill
Computer: Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Computer: Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
God: Stop
Computer: Unrecognizable command. Try again.
God: Break God: Break God: Break
Computer: *** ATTENTION ALL USERS ***
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF
MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
God: Create new world
Computer: You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
God: Destroy earth
Computer: Destroy earth: Please confirm.
God: Destroy earth confirmed
Computer: *** COMPUTER DOWN ***
SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST
SIGN OFF NOW.
Computer: And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
Computer: Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

by Awinnell Wed 30 Jul 2008 - 13:53

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
**************************
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
and get fed up.
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises

=

by LoC978 Sat 9 Aug 2008 - 10:25

Michael Grafton wrote:
Skippy wrote:Well it’s been a rough week, and none of my regular contributers have submitted anything. Send them angry email until they repent. Stalk them at their place of work. Crucify them upon the Tree of Woe. They shall pay for this transgression, and the coin shall be the anguished tears of those that they love most! All shall be swept away on a tide of blood, despair, and waffles.

But to be fair, these will be some awesome waffles.

Um yeah, anyhow….

In the meantime, please enjoy this joke sent in by Michael Grafton.

An old gunnery sergeant is at a civilian affair, in full uniform, when a cute young thing comes up to him.

“Why are you so serious?”

“War is a serious business, Ma’am.”

“Well, you need to loosen up. When was the last time you made love?”

“1955 ma’am.”

“1955! Well, I think its time to get you back in the saddle and get you straightened out.”

So they go to a back room and “loosen up” a couple times.

Afterward, she sighs and rests her head on his chest. “You sure haven’t forgotten anything since that last time…”

“Well, ma’am, I should hope not. Its only 2130 now…”

by Guest Thu 11 Sep 2008 - 17:11

HIJKLMNO

what does this represent

Spoiler:

5+5+5=550

add a line to make this equal

Spoiler:

WLRNONGOOED

Rearrange this to make one long word

Spoiler:

Three people bought a car. One was christian one was buddist and one was a eunuch.

The christian wanted to bless the car so he sprinkiled holy water on it

the buddist did a ritual to bless the car

what did the eunuch do

Spoiler:

by LoC978 Thu 11 Sep 2008 - 19:05

that'd be "eunuch".

by **Nachtsider** Thu 11 Sep 2008 - 19:22

If you want people to get the joke, it pays to spell right...

by Guest Thu 11 Sep 2008 - 22:45

Nachtsider wrote:If you want people to get the joke, it pays to spell right...

oh lol right usually i spell it that way.......doesnt it sound like unak oh well changing it now

by LoC978 Thu 11 Sep 2008 - 23:08

sounds more like you-nuk (as in the beginning of the word 'knuckle').

by LoC978 Sun 9 Nov 2008 - 6:44

a cousin of mine wrote:A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

by **boomer_gonz** Sun 9 Nov 2008 - 17:29

With this series of jokes up, I thought I'd share one.

What did the Porn Star say to the Bus Driver?

Hold it, I'm coming!!

OR

Wait, I'm getting off!!

by Danjo3 Mon 10 Nov 2008 - 4:26

LoC978 wrote:
a cousin of mine wrote:A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Classic! :lol!:

by LoC978 Mon 20 Jul 2009 - 1:37

here's one from my mom... not so much funny as a sad commentary on modern paranoia.

To Those of Us Born

1930 - 1979

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with 20 bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this..

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight WHY?
Because we were always outside playing......that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all..

If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

There's some crap about god afterward, but that's just one take on the why of it all...

oddly enough, I pretty much grew up like that ('cept I got my BB gun when I was 7. it was from my Grandpa)... well, until I was 12 or so. Then a lot of my favorite pastimes were revealed as being technically illegal...
damn this nanny state of ours has become neurotic...

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