Funny E-mails

I just read this hilarious e-mail, from my pop of all people. I thought it would bring a smile to some faces.

Thesequestions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers
are the actual responses by the website officials

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) inAustralia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca which is where YOU come from.All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in
Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Australian tourism...

The answerer sounds a lot like Greg House or Edmund Blackadder.

I found them hilarious...

:lol!:z

Sarcasm rules

I have a stockpile of these things. Want more?

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT
GETTING MARRIED
Old
aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

And another one;

One of the all-time best quotes

General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was 'classic' Schwartzkopf.

The General said,

"I believe that forgiving them is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting.'

AMEN

I don't know whether you agree with this guy or not, but what this guy said is pure badass.

Put in the jokes I felt would not offend too many people. My dad and uncle send alot of crude stuff my way (I have cool reletives).

Oh! One more!

Caught Speeding

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman : I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The
Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here is the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver’s license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer
2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!

Too bad I'm too lazy to put up the ones with pictures on them. Those are the funniest ones (like the unkillable tugboat one... *sigh*).

sasahara17 wrote:

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

No way:
Dumb boss + smart employee = Being able to slack off as much as you want on the job.

Thats what my situation looks like

Possibly the best mathematical proof every.

It is true that in todays time to find and maintain a woman, a man must dedicate time and money,

woman = time x money

Economics professor Ian Walker, of central England’s Warwick University has recently (2002) formulated an equation and found that time actually is money. His formula is a bit more complicated for our taste, so we use the simplest form of the saying “time is money” as shown below.

time = money

Therefore, substituting time with money we get,

woman = money x money

Simplifying the equation…

woman = money²

It is a common saying that “money is the root of all evil.” According to the Random House Dictionary of Proverbs and Sayings, the phrase first appeared in English circa 1000 A.D. The saying originated in the New Testament. “For the love of money is the root of all evil.” Timothy, 6:10.
In our case we substitute evil with problems P (no need to be bad, heh)

money = √problems

Therefore, substituting money to the original equation we have…

woman = (√problems)²

Simplifying the equation by canceling out the root (√) and the square (²) signs we get…

woman = problems

Egad! what an equation!

I'm sending this to my sister. She knows a person in Warwick University. Her reaction ought to be good.

I was warned that the next one might offend anyone here who is Jewish. It's a pretty good one though.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. lf the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a
communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy

The Pope

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still
only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

The rabbi

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd
won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three
days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

The moral

The art of good conversation is less about saying the right thing at the right time, but more about leaving unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Money = √Evil
woman = (√Evil)²
woman=evil

sasahara17 wrote:
"I believe that forgiving them is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting.'

AMEN

AAAMMMEEENNNN!!

that day a 3rd grade teacher gave out the developed class pictures to her class then she said.

"you know many years from now your going to look at this pictures and say, that was David, he's a doctor now. That was John he's a lawyer now."

Then one of the kids shouted out.

"Then I'll say,that was the teacher! She's dead now!!"



That day a preschool girl approached her teacher.

"ma'm do 40 year old girls get pregnant?"

"yes"

"how about 14 year olds?"

"yes"

"how about 4 year olds?"

"no"

then a young boy aprouched the girl.

"See, i told u you won't get pregnant!"


A boy's dad came home that day looking pretty much embarrased

"i had no idea! they said the meeting was black tie only. However, when i got there people were also wearing pants and shirts!!"

Sasahara, these jokes are too funny - please upload more! (I wanna Koala that drops out of trees like that!)

More jokes? Right then...

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by
mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey,
You Wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before
you Tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind,

That you should know five things:

1. The bartender
is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters.

'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times

This guy is soooo screwed

I am
passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil
proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a
package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the
rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You
have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on to
those whom you think might be in need of inner
peace.

Best advice I'd had all day.

And the best for last...

A
maid, officially termed as foreign domestic worker (FDW) in Singapore
Govt parlance, asked for a pay raise. Madam was very upset about this
and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'


Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'The Master said so.'

Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?'

Maria: 'The Master did.'

Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

Maria: 'No Madam, the chauffeur did.'

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE !!!

sasahara17 wrote:
Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

Maria: 'No Madam, the chauffeur did.'

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE !!!

took me 5 reads to get it but finally :lollol:

Everybody knows the story of the 3 blind men who saw an elephant right? for those who don't this is how it goes.

3 blind men went to the circus to "see" what an elepant is. the
first one felt the body and concluded "the elephant is a wall!". the
2nd one felt the tusk and concluded "the elephant is a spear!". the 3rd
one felt the leg and concluded "the elephant is a pillar!". the 3 guys
could not agree on what an elephant is and argued all day long.

actually this story was suppose to have a 4th blind man. However, if he
did manage to come back he would have said "guys! you're all wrong! the
elephant is a sack of stones!!"

=============================

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Awinnell wrote:Aussies
Canadians
Americans
Brits

Now THIS is a good joke. Nice Joke Awin.

The following was voted best joke in Ireland in 2006

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night!"
She said "Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you Mary."
She
said "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self.... You know
he has only been there twice in the last 4 years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.

"When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Awinnell wrote:John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.

"When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Lol it would be funny if we apply this to GSG.


Claes: Among all the girls, I find Triela most annoying.
*robot walks over to Claes and knocks her of her chair*


Joze: Etta, have you seen my shirt?
Henrietta: NO
*robot does his thing*

Lorenzo: Sandro, i heard that you are screwing your cyborg! you disgust me!
*robot walks over to Lorenzo and knocks him of his chair and out of the window*

Awinnell wrote:Aussies
Canadians
Americans
Brits

Very funny.

West Nile wrote:

Lorenzo: Sandro, i heard that you are screwing your cyborg! you disgust me!
*robot walks over to Lorenzo and knocks him of his chair and out of the window*

LMAO

Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK . Logged by the Housing Association.

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. and their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

3. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

4. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

8. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

9. I am still having problems with smoke in my back passage.

10. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

12. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

13. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning

at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is not only unsightly but also dangerous I'm sure.

16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

19. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

21. My bush needs trimming round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

22. and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

23. that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

Awinnell wrote:Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Another fine Micosoft product.

Awinnell wrote:8. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

12. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I love people who are good at math.

KodokuRyuu wrote:

Awinnell wrote:8. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

12. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I love people who are good at math.

You got three types of people: People that can count, and people who cant.

LoC978 wrote:

LOL! so true.

LoC978 wrote:

Quoted for truth, and 'cause it's the best t-shirt ever made.

Awinnell wrote:Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

I love this sort of thing, there's a whole thread (which nobody posts in anymore ) about it on the Adregalus Forums

And now for another geek joke:
Two atoms were walking down the street. One said, "I've just lost an electron."
So the other replied, "Are you positive?"

TTIO wrote:And now for another geek joke:
Two atoms were walking down the street. One said, "I've just lost an electron."
So the other replied, "Are you positive?"

The thermometer walked up to the graduated cylinder, "you may have graduated but i have more degrees than you!!"

Geek jokes eh?

Ok... get ready for: geek joke overload!!

• If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
  
• I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
  
• My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
  
• Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
  
• In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
  
• Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk
  
• I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
  
• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
  
• The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX
  
• A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
  
• Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly
  
• A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
  
• The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
  
• UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
  
• Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
  
• C://dos
  C://dos.run
  run.dos.run
  
• You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
  
• JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
  
• Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive
  
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  
• There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
  
• Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
  
• It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard
  
• Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
  
• The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
  
• Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
  
• The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
  
• If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won't mar the furniture
  
• COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
  
• Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
  
• LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
  
• The beginning of the programmer's wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
  
• Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping
  
• Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
  
• boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
  
• We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
  
• Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
  
• If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBO
  
• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
  
• Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
  
• Unrecognized input, get out of the class
  
• Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
  
• WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER
  
• Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  
• Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
  
• Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression
  
• Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is "c:\> hack into fbi"
  
• BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  
• I survived an NT installation
  
• The name is Baud......James Baud
  
• My new car runs at 56Kbps
  
• Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
  
• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  
• Cannot read data, leech the next boy's paper? (Y/N)
  
• CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
  
• Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  
• Helpdesk: Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD ,
  Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
  
• Windows: Just another pane in the glass
  
• Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
  
• RAM disk is not an installation procedure
  
• Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
  
• The truth is out there...anybody got the URL?
  
• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
  
• E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage
  
• Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
  
• All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  
• Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
  
• Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the 'OK' button to continue
  
• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
  
• Press every key to continue
  
• Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue.
  Customer : hm.. just a min.. where's that 'any key'..
  
• Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
  
• Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
  
• To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so
  
• (001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
  
• Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
  
• (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
  
• Computers can never replace human stupidity
  
• A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
  
• (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
  
• Bugs come in through open Windows
  
• Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
  
• Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are
  
• Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
  
• Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
  
• To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password.
  
• Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
  
• FUBAR - where Geeks go for a drink
  
• I degaussed my girlfriend and I'm just not attracted to her anymore
  
• Scandisk: Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
  
• Black holes are where God divided by zero
  
• Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
  
• Thank god, my baby just compiled
  
• Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
  
• Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously
  
• Zap! And there was the blue screen !
  
• Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost :-)
  
• MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
  
• A: Can you teach me how to use a computer?
  B: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them
  
• PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
  
• 1-800-404: The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
  
• 1-800-403: Access to that subscriber was denied
  
• Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
  
• If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!
  
• A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
  
• "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
  
• Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
  
• Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
  
• Firewall: Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
  
• Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
  
• Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
  
• Firewall: Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
  
• Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges
  Customer: Where can i download that?
  
• All computers run at the same speed... with the power off
  
• You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
  
• Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
  
• Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
  
• Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
  
• Shut up, or i'll flush you out
  
• Cron: Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
  
• We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal
  
• You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
  
• I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
  
• Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
  
• Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
  
• If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don't understand the question
  
• Having soundcards is nice... having embedded sound in web pages is not
  
• My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
  
• You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
  
• Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
  
• I'm sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
  
• Ah, young webmaster... java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
  
• What color do you want that database?
  
• C is a write-only language, once can write programs in C , but I can't read any of them
  
• As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
  
• earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can
  
• A typical yahoo chat room: "A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out.."
  
• When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop
  
• Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
  
• Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
  
• NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
  
• Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
  
• NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
  
• JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
  
• How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
  
• Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls - my PC speaker crashed NT
  
• root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is 'a_49qwXk'
  
• New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
  
• Quake and uptime do not like each other
  
• Unix...best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
  
• As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria -- Final Fantasy VIII
  
• Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
  
• Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
  
• Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
  
• How are we supposed to hack your system if it's always down!
  
• God is real, unless declared integer
  
• I'm tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
  
• Paypal: Please enter your credit card number to continue
  
• It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
  
• Please help - firewall burnt down - lost packet - reward $$$
  
• If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
  
• Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
  
• Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
  
• Norton: Incoming virus - (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
  
• I had a dream... and there were 1's and 0's everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
  
• You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
  
• C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void
  

Now for my personal favorite:

• 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

Those were great! I think I probably spent about 5 or 10 minutes reading that. I was gonna write that last bit in binary, but I couldn't be bothered...

All hail the king of geeks, TommyGunner

Speaking of binary though, wasn't that 1s and 0s everywhere one from Futurama?

---

Euro English


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

And the most funny thing is.

I can actually relate this to a German, speaking English with an extremely heavy accent.

but this way of talking can also help you in German, because its not the easiest of languages to actually speak. but the same would be true with any language if you don't practice them.

I've seen a similar version of the same joke before, which isn't quite so explicit:

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Tommygunner70 wrote:
Now for my personal favorite:

• 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  

lol!!....






Hey!!

Tommygunner70 wrote:
Now for my personal favorite:

• 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  

I agree. No matter how often it happens, I always need to get laid.

If anything, LoC and West's comments are funnier than the joke itself.

Tommy and Awinnell, thems be funny jokes. Or should I say, z3mz b f|_|n1 y0kz.

---

Subject: The Pharmacist


A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen ! Absolutely not, you
can NOT have any cyanide"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

If World War Two had been an RTS game, it would have gone a little something like this....

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game

Awinnell wrote:Insert "If World War Two had been an RTS game" here

OMG! that was awesome

Oh yeah, almost forget to react to this.

West Nile wrote:

Tommygunner70 wrote:
Now for my personal favorite:

• 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  

lol!!....




Hey!!

lol! now that is a funny response.

I am glad to say that I can read that, but that I learned to do so after having gotten laid more then a few times. Though I learned how to read it, i really ought to learn how to write it myself...

These are quotes from US military personnel


At this command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR)

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in 'fat chance...'" GS-15 (SHAPE)

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS)

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (EUCOM)

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR)

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command.

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It’s no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM)

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from
Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. -- COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(P) develops and implements their strategies.

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult task.

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)

"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above

"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR) [obviously this guy has been to the wrong parts of Paris...]

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"

"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM)

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM)

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM)

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM)

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM) -

Awinnell wrote:"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM)

I need to use this the next time I procrastinate on something.

CDR (CENTCOM) wrote:"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em."

...and this is why I feel like such a whore... *sob*

MAJ (USAREUR) wrote:"I may be slow, but I do poor work..."

sounds like my first company commander in Germany... if he ever had an honest moment of self-reflection (and yeah, he was a Major).

Where in Germany were you stationed? My dad was stationed in Germany back when he was in the Army, but I can't remember where.

The Hanau area (a little east of Frankfurt), but I travelled all over on temporary assignments.

The International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.