Humor, With A Military Twist

Bin Laden Martini

Two Shots and a Splash.

Y'all post your jokes here.

Change the title through the first post, or I'll consider deleting the whole thread.

Mind you, though proud that the US Military finally done the job they were set out to do, this nation is not a nation of Sore Winners.

OOOOoops.


I did not notice that we already had a joke thread. Will an admin please merge the two? Or whatever it is y'all do at a time like this.

It ain't "Sore Winners". It's a bunch of military types, Like the guy I lifted this joke from, (OpFor6 on USMilVets.org) celebrating we finally got the guy.

It's a "military sense of humor".

Bin Laden Jokes from all over - would have been a better title.

Thanks for changing it.

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f-in' ear."

I cleaned the last one up... did I have to?

It's been a couple of years since I was in the Army so my own memory of good jokes has faded, but to get the ball rolling, I had a trawl of the ARRSE jokes forum and found one which I felt was worth a chuckle:

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How the British armed Forces deal with Snakes:

1.Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

2.Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

3.Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

4.Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

5.Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake

6.Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

7.Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8.Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".

9.Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

10.Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

11.TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

12.RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

13.Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

14.Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

15.Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.

16.Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

17. Ministry of Defence: Initially denies knowledge of snake, but subsequently admits that snake was acquired on advice of intelligence services and secret legal advice. Announces inquiry which will lead to prosecution of service personnel who handled snake, whilst exonerating government ministers.

18. The Scum: Invents lurid story about soldiers from 'elite' RLC laundry unit taking part in strange rituals involving snakes.

19. Phil Shiner*: Travels to snake's location and offers to represent snake in action against the Army, but is run over by armour as indistinguishable from other snakes.

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*- Horrid little puke of a ratbag lawyer getting fat off taxpayer-funded legal aid accusing soldiers of human rights abuses by fighting the enemy.

I don't get it. Who's the kid?

SSgtRobertMorris wrote:I don't get it. Who's the kid?

Justin Bieber. go google him.

As much as I dislike Justin Bieber, even I think that poster is ridiculous. On par with Saddam and bin Laden? Come ON.

Well, this one's as old as dirt but here goes...

While navigating a dense Atlantic fog the radar operator aboard a US Naval vessel detects a target dead ahead on their course...

Navy: Vessel bearing two-three-zero you are on a collision course with us, please change course ten degrees to starboard.

Civilian: Negative, we are unable to change course, please divert your heading ten degrees to port.

Navy: Ship this is a US Naval vessel, you are interfering with official maneuvers; I repeat change your course ten degrees to starboard.

Civilian: Unable to comply, recommend you change your course ten degrees to port immediately.

Navy: (getting annoyed) Look, this is the USS Nimitz, CVN-68, we are an 1,092 foot nuclear powered aircraft carrier weighing 100,000 tons. Your vessel will not survive a collision...change course ten degrees to starboard immediately we will not change course!

Civilian: Suit yourself...this is a lighthouse.

MP5 wrote:

SSgtRobertMorris wrote:I don't get it. Who's the kid?

Justin Bieber. go google him.

pass. I don't do celebrities. They can come clean my toilet, that's about all they're good for.

Professor Voodoo wrote:Well, this one's as old as dirt but here goes...

While navigating a dense Atlantic fog the radar operator aboard a US Naval vessel detects a target dead ahead on their course...

Navy: Vessel bearing two-three-zero you are on a collision course with us, please change course ten degrees to starboard.

Civilian: Negative, we are unable to change course, please divert your heading ten degrees to port.

Navy: Ship this is a US Naval vessel, you are interfering with official maneuvers; I repeat change your course ten degrees to starboard.

Civilian: Unable to comply, recommend you change your course ten degrees to port immediately.

Navy: (getting annoyed) Look, this is the USS Nimitz, CVN-68, we are an 1,092 foot nuclear powered aircraft carrier weighing 100,000 tons. Your vessel will not survive a collision...change course ten degrees to starboard immediately we will not change course!

Civilian: Suit yourself...this is a lighthouse.

BS.

Fanciful fairy tale.

SSgtRobertMorris wrote:BS.

Fanciful fairy tale.

Possibly... but no less amusing for it.


Anyway, one from the cadets days...

What's the difference between a Warrant Officer and God?

Spoiler:

SSgtRobertMorris wrote:

Professor Voodoo wrote:Well, this one's as old as dirt but here goes...

BS.

Fanciful fairy tale.

Well duh, of course it is...you started a joke thread not a true story thread.

A day. Prime Minister of Vietnam, the U.S. president and Russia's president meeting during a military parade

All three are saying "I have the bravest soldiers"

After arguing to no avail -all three decided to take action to prove

Russian President - who is a former KGB agent. Select a soldier in a paratrooper force and punched his nose broken - Soldier stands still

He asked "Are you hurt?"

The soldier replied, "Yes sir, but the Russian paratroopers disregard any physical pain"

U.S. President. Select a soldier in the Marine forces. He held a knife and stabbed the soldier's shoulder

He asked "Are you hurt"

The soldier replied, "Yes sir, but the Marines are familiar with pain"

Prime Minister of Vietnam. He chose a soldier. He pulled out a gun and shot him straight in the foot. This man stands still, he shot the other foot - he's still standing

Prime Minister of Vietnam ask "have you hurt?"

The soldier replied, "no pain at all"

Two other presidents feel ashamed

After the parade ended, Prime Minister of Vietnam to convene a the soldiers and asked what he wanted to be rewarded

The soldier replied: "I would like a new pair of shoes, fit my feet. The other shoes are too big"

Professor Voodoo wrote:

SSgtRobertMorris wrote:

Professor Voodoo wrote:Well, this one's as old as dirt but here goes...

BS.

Fanciful fairy tale.

Well duh, of course it is...you started a joke thread not a true story thread.

heh

The Corridors of Power, as Related by the Late, Great Spike Milligan

General: Leaps tall buildings with a single bound. More powerful than a steam engine, faster than a speeding bullet. Gives policy to GOD.

Colonel: Leaps short buildings with a single bound. More powerful than a shunting engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water (if the sea is calm). Talks with GOD.

Lieutenant Colonel: Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds. Is almost as powerful as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in indoor swimming pools. Talks with GOD if special request is approved.

Major: Barely clears a Nissen hut. Loses tug-of-war with a steam engine. Can fire a speeding bullet and swims well. Is occasionally addressed by GOD.

Captain: Makes high marks when trying to leap tall buildings. Is run over by trains. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury. Dog paddles, talks to animals.

Lieutenant: Runs into tall buildings. Recognizes trains two out of three times. Is not issued with ammunition. Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of a lifejacket. Talks to walls.

Sub-Lieutenant: Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at Choo Choo." Is NEVER issued with a gun or ammunition. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to himself.

Sergeant-Major: Lifts tall buildings and walks under them. Kicks steam trains off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. HE IS GOD.

This joke made the rounds in the military during Desert Storm. It was rumored to have started at the Pentagon.


The reason that the services don't work well together, is that they don't speak the same language.


For instance, If you tell the Navy to "Secure the building.", they will turn off the lights, lock the door, and leave. The building is secure.

The Army will post a sentry, and check the area every hour.

The Marines will assault the building, capture it, defend it with fire and close combat, and then turn it over to the Army.

The Air Force, on the other hand, will take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

In all seriousness, that became a problem during the cleanup of Katrina: Cops would tell National Guardsmen to "Cover me!" when they'd be entering a building. The Guardsmen would promptly open fire on windows where snipers might be holed up.

One of my personal favorites:

The three scariest things you can hear in the Marine Corps:
2nd Lt: At OCS we learned...
1st Lt: Based on my experience...
LCpl: Y'all watch this shit!

Do you know what the difference between a "fairy tale" and a Navy "sea story" is?

A fairy tale starts off with "Once upon a time . . ." and a sea story starts as, "Now, this is a no-shitter . . ."

The British Military writes OFRs (officer fitness reports).
The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206.
The following are actual excerpts taken from people's S206 reports:

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

This officer remindes me very much of gyroscope -- always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port,
and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

This officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

I had heard those, attributed to both US FitReps and to civilian employee reviews.

Not saying they're a sea story, but (citation needed). *grins* Still hilarious, in any case

"The only ship I can recommend for this man is citizenship" is another one of those I remember.

Another one that I found on the ARRSE jokes forum which raised a chuckle:

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A UK patrol was marching in the North of Helmand Province when they came upon an insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the patrol commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

Officer_Charon wrote:I had heard those, attributed to both US FitReps and to civilian employee reviews.

Not saying they're a sea story, but (citation needed). *grins* Still hilarious, in any case

none really, except the first 3 pages of google has them listed as S206 British Naval and Royal Marines OFR's

A wounded soldier is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young QA appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen

very, very closely.....













' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

Not so much a joke as such, although some of the characters herein are jokes, but seeing the Walt Disney demotivator above reminded me of a popular pastime on the British Army casual forums - Walt-hunting.

A "Walter Mitty", or walt, is someone who falsely claims to be a military man, usually boasting of a raft of unearned glories - the stereotypical claim of a walt is that he was a member of Them and saw action as The Second Man On The Balcony during the Iranian Embassy siege. The waltenkommando is an informal group that exposes these diverse frauds - and that's not necessarily bullying harmless eccentrics and re-enactors, either, because walting can become criminal with taking advantage of and abusing people's trust in the uniform. They're heroes that dauntlessly plumb the very depths, because some of these stories are truly laughable.

WW II Chatroom


*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol I got China, too.
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: sh*t Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got sh*t to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do Sh*t til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! LOL
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind LOL
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon
sum1
T0J0: o sh1t i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right beatch im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack LOL finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY SH!T I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy SH!TholySH!ThoylSH1t!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bullsheet u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for
sh1t
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie LOL
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: LOL no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Classic. That one never gets old.

Oh I know. How about, what did you called, Barack Obama an Osama Bin Laden?

Obama Bin Laden

LOL

Nachtsider wrote:Classic. That one never gets old.

yep