JOKEs. no holds bard im a depressive person so try to make me laugh... may contain a wide manner of potentialy offensive language but we've all got a sence of humor

I would tell you a joke, but i can't get the punchline right yet... i can't duck fast enough.

American condoms come in packs of six: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. There's none for Sunday because Americans are a pious people who wouldn't besmirch the Sabbath.

French condoms come in packs of eight: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on Saturday, and Sunday too pour faire l'amour.

English condoms come in packs of twelve.

January, February, March, April...

the irony of that joke is that statistically the brits have more casual sex than any other western country, with Greece having the most sex in Marriage

sousuke sagara wrote:I would tell you a joke, but i can't get the punchline right yet... i can't duck fast enough.

BOOYAH and another one bights the dust...

There's a farmer who has three daughters. They are all going out on their first dates on the same night. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, meets their boyfriends at the front door with a shotgun.

The first guy comes and says "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The farmer thinks he's alright and he sends the two along.

The second guy comes and he says "My name's Eddy. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer thinks he's alright as well and he sends them along.

Then the third guy comes, the farmer opens the door and the boy says "Hi, my name's Chuck."

The farmer shoots him.

That joke only makes me wonder what girl's name could possibly rhyme with 'Chuck'.

I wondered the same thing.

This is a real conversation I had with my roommate right before we graduated.

Me: Hey, Liz remember how after we finished school we didn't know what to do?
Liz: Yeah.
Me: We were going through are withDRAWal.

Now, a peeps show for you peeps.

Spoiler:

I have to say, Elfen, that's a pretty sweet club!



Eh? Eh?

that it is

A scientist walks into a bar. He goes to the bartender and says, “A bunch of clones recently escaped from my lab. Have you seen them around here?”

The bartender looks at the scientist and says, “Maybe. What do they look like?”

sdp2501 wrote:

sousuke sagara wrote:I would tell you a joke, but i can't get the punchline right yet... i can't duck fast enough.

BOOYAH and another one bights the dust...

more like:

sousuke sagara wrote:

sdp2501 wrote:

sousuke sagara wrote:I would tell you a joke, but i can't get the punchline right yet... i can't duck fast enough.

BOOYAH and another one bights the dust...

more like:

another one bights the...

BOOM



"Rico... did u do that..."



"huh... uuuumm i didnt do a thing" *gulp*

What do you call an Eskimo that got shot in the head?

Spoiler:

What do you call a cow with no legs?

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Where do you find a dog with only two legs?

Spoiler:

A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "Look duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor." So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks "Got any nails?" The bartender says "No." Then the duck says "Oh good. Got any grapes?"

TTIO wrote:

That was three point one two seconds of my life I will never got back. Damn my natural human (I use the term human loosly, very loosly) curiosity, why did I not listen to all the people complaining aout it? WHY!?

Donnations

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP's during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Here's some new ones

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.


And a couple for any enginears...
1.
Two engineering students are walking across a university campus when one said, "where did you get that bike?"
THe second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on thi sbike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you, anyway"

2.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3.
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

I got more if anyone wants (engineering ones anyway)

Destroyer of Worlds ;D wrote:And a couple for any enginears...
1.
Two engineering students are walking across a university campus when one said, "where did you get that bike?"
THe second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on thi sbike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you, anyway"

2.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3.
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

I got more if anyone wants (engineering ones anyway)

Not an engineer per-se, but I work with engineers every day so...

A Mexican, an Arab and a Nottinghamshire Girl are all in the same bar chatting......

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."


The Arab not over impressed by this, drinks his non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses with, that we also don't need to drink with the same glass twice either."



The Notts Girl cool as a cucumber picks up her beer glass, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her colt 45, turns and shoots the Mexican and the Arab dead.


Catching her glass and then setting it back onto the bar, she calls for a refill. Then she says, "In Notts we have so many illegal immigrants, we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."


God Bless NOTTINGHAMSHIRE !!

What's the difference between Boy Scouts and Jews?

Boy Scouts come home from the camps they go to.

Nachtsider wrote:What's the difference between Boy Scouts and Jews?

Boy Scouts come home from the camps they go to.

And I thought my one was bad, let's see if I can one-up ya...


How do you know if a black guy used your computer?

Spoiler:

How do you blind fold an aisan?

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I have nothing against these peeps by the way, I just think the jokes are funny, please don't send me hate mail.

Anyone mind if I put some Jim Jefferies vids here? He's a comedian that offends every member of the audience wthin the first ten minutes. (Is rediculously racist, sexist, religousist, and holds nothing sacred. Everything is fair game to him)

What's pink and fluffy?

Spoiler:

The Geography of a woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.




THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,

ruled by nuts.

We need a more sexist and offensive one for the women. Bonus points to someone who can rewrite it.

Nachtsider wrote:We need a more sexist and offensive one for the women. Bonus points to someone who can rewrite it.

Not a rewrite, but...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line,
so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

Not so much a joke, but kinda funny.

Funniest Jew joke I've ever read.

Nachtsider wrote:

Funniest Jew joke I've ever read.

I love Cyanide and Happiness

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Racist joke of the day...

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Some graphs about life...

Spoiler:

A Maths joke that apparently originated in Germany:

Two hunters (one German and the other not) are out hunting.
German sees a Rabbit, takes aim and shoots.
Misses the Rabbit by 10mm to the left.
Takes aim and shoots again.
This time misses by 10mm to the right.
He then puts his gun away and walkes off.
Friend looks on in bemusment and asks, why not shoot a third time, you are sure to get him.
German replies...No need, on average, the rabbit is dead.

MP5 wrote:A Maths joke that apparently originated in Germany:

Two hunters (one German and the other not) are out hunting.
German sees a Rabbit, takes aim and shoots.
Misses the Rabbit by 10mm to the left.
Takes aim and shoots again.
This time misses by 10mm to the right.
He then puts his gun away and walkes off.
Friend looks on in bemusment and asks, why not shoot a third time, you are sure to get him.
German replies...No need, on average, the rabbit is dead.

That one really got me. I remember jokes like that when we were learning the difference between prescision and accuracy.

Some politically incorrect jokes...

Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"


My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.


I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.


Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.


A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
Pretty much the same as this place!"


Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees, Apparently she'd stood him up.


Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"


A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says " I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says " But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"


The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.
They said they were delicious !


My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

Jay Valentine is sitting on his bed, reading a magazine.

Jay: "Woah! What a set of headlights!"

Charlie: "Hand that over, mate."

Jay hands Charlie the magazine.

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