Non-GSG concept: "Millions of Roses" - Script Test

My GSG fiction has languished for a few months now. There's a number of reasons for that - I turned to making a couple of AMVs, then I had a big tranche of work occupying me up until after the New Year. When I went on holiday I thought that I could settle down in the evenings and get some writing done, but as it happened what came out was not the further adventures of Avise and Agapita but more developed notions about an original project that's been rattling around in my head for a while now. I haven't left the SWA in the lurch with its war against Padania half-finished by any means (I'll be going straight back to A&A after this, in fact), but I did need to pour this out while it was still fresh in my mind. It's a bit out of Cyborg Central's remit, I know, but given the rampant plagiarism on the internet this is one of the few places where I can trust I'll get some honest comment!

The story's current working title is Millions of Roses, which I thought might develop as a comic script. Despite the name, it's not a romance but an espionage thriller - the 'millions of roses' in question are actually fields of poppies, growing in the churned ground after a conflict. If people think the reference is too oblique I may change the title to something like Vigilance. The concept is still very barebones - I have a general theme, setting (a fictional country but essentially real-world and modern-day) and plot arc sketched out - but before I start weighing everything down with too much specificity I want to test the central concept. These two chapters begin In Media Res about a third of the way through the envisioned plot arc.

Test Chapter A: "Broken on a Wheel"

Test Chapter B: "Spark From the Dark"

Your thoughts are appreciated, but if you do want to comment then the kindest thing you can do with these drafts is destroy them. I'm serious, please rip them to utter shreds. No crticism is too petty, no point is too pedantic, no niggle is beneath concern. If the context isn't clear, the narrative broken or the dialogue incoherent or the characters' motivations absurd, say so. As I wrote these chapters I warmed to the idea behind them, and so if it is to go any further it has to be absolutely blemishless. I'd be indebted to you if you could help polish it up.

Thanks again, and even if it's unfamiliar territory I hope you enjoy it.

Looked good to me Robert. Much like your prose, your vision came across clearly and I never found myself having to re-read to get a better idea of how things looked. Still, you said no niggle is beneath concern, so I will offer what little insight I can.

Panel 4.6: Not sure if you are looking for technical errors, but you have Simone saying Alan's line.

Panel 5.2: You described the panel like this:

She has tipped a bellhop’s trolley over, spilling crockery over the floor. The bellhop is preoccupied with fretting over the smashed plates and their impact on his wage packet, letting Simone continue.

This seemed like an unrealistic response from the Bellhop, particularly if he thought this was going to come back on him. I'm sure there are non-confrontational bellhops out there, but it seemed to me he would at least be shouting something after her. No real bearing on your story, I know, but you said anything.

Panel 6.2: Without knowing anything about their respective characters, I felt this line:
ALAN 4: To stay whole, you have to confront and repel what threatens you!

seemed a little too...prepared? That's something someone might say if they had time too think and were trying to be romantic, but the guy has been chasing her through a building and just had to dodge the brutally beaten, large male she just tossed down the stairs. I would expect him to say something simpler (and possibly cliched) like "face your problems". You revealed him to be a scientist later, so maybe it's in-keeping with his personality, and you also hinted that this was something Simone herself said. If its a direct quote, then obviously that makes sense.

Panel 7.4: it just cuts off.

After this I didn't jot down any notes...probably because I became too engrossed . It's your own fault.

That's my 2 cents, for what its worth. I'm not a very useful mind to have around as a critic, but I hope you will accept my compliments. I look forward to the next bit. Now, however, it is very late (or early) here and I must sleep...

Perhaps a bit more explanation of your intent would help...is this a script you're developing with the intention of commissioning an artist to illustrate, or are you hoping to bring in a partner?

The story seems okay...the only detail I could point to so far is the reference to paintball on page 8, which seems out of place in a gritty spy drama.

As far as the title goes, if I had a vote it would be for Millions of Poppies (it's evocative of the John McCrae poem)...I'm not sure why you would switch it to Roses.

I'll try to dig a little deeper but I have to admit I could only get to page 10 before the format gave me a headache. A comic story presented in script format is a brutally dry read I'm sorry to say, and does nothing to exploit your principal strength as a writer; your excellent narrative prose.

More to come...

I read the first one and gave up after page ten.
If you are going to write in script format, you need to separate your actions (denoted in '-' signs) lines. A big mass of text is just too ugly for the eyes to take in all at once.

What you have looks promising. Just got to fix it as I explained.