FearTheLASERFACE's New Story

I have a hobby of writing or creating short movies. I had an idea for a Fanfiction for a while now for GsG, but I never really managed to carve out a story that I liked. Until now. I figured out a general story and was actually motivated to write it. So, here is my Fanfic, Return of the Fallen Angel

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6267316/1/Gunslinger_Girl_Return_of_the_Fallen_Angel

It's a start. Certainly the character has potential.

I'm not a huge reader of fan-ficts, so it's possible I'm simply not used to the common format, but you don't really need to use "~~O~~" to differentiate paragraphs. A pair (at most) of return lines usually does the job.

This is a paragraph Read it and fear my literary skills.
This is a new sentence, same paragraph.

This is a new paragraph, representing a passing of time or different scene.

My own style is more in line with (extended) novels, and even then I'm kinda self-taught, so I'm not exactly the authority on it. I'm just making a point as a possible visual enhancement to your writing. What the reader sees is just as important as what they read (maybe more so in some ways).

Possibly another point is also one I've encountered, and that is using a pronoun too much in a sentence, or too often beginning sentences with it. Your second paragraph has four sentences beginning with "she", three of which are one after the other.

She was walking with her backpack wandering pretty much aimlessly. She
could have left the Roman metropolitan area whenever she wanted to, but
something kept her from going out of the area. She could have stowed
away on a plane to the United States perhaps, but she felt she had
nowhere else to go.

I know this is thought-writing, writing as it comes from the brain, and it's something I do a lot. A paragraph really should be only a few sentences (some short, some longer), unless it's something requiring extensive explanation. A rapid series of short sentences, especially in the same line of thought, gives a passage a jerking feel, and can be tiring if encountered often enough. Here's a part of that same paragraph, adjusted for (what I believe, at least) a smoother feel:

She was wandering aimlessly with her backpack, not really caring where she ended up. Leaving Rome behind was certainly an option if she chose and maybe even stealing a plane ride to the United States, but something kept her there, most notably the fact that she had nowhere else to go.

Three sentences cut to two, removal of two pronoun starters, and a bit more fluid in feel.
The best way to fix this kind of thing is to look for it in your proof-read and then read through that paragraph a few times in a row to see if it feels monotonous. If so, minor changes in the sentence structure, merging two sentences into one, or simply using a synonym can help to alleviate the problem and make the paragraph feel more natural. Also ask how many different images are being presented, and if more than one, are they actually joined at the hip, or are they maybe better off as separate paragraphs with perhaps a bit more detail given to each to make them more clear.

As I said, I'm no professional, so take the advice or leave it. I'm just tossing out some stuff I've figured out on my own over the two years I've been working on my own story. It's in the library here if you want to check it out.

BTW, nice to have you in the forum membership. WELCOME!!!

maverick375 wrote:It's a start....
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My own style is more in line with (extended) novels, and even then I'm kinda self-taught, so I'm not exactly the authority on it. I'm just making a point as a possible visual enhancement to your writing. What the reader sees is just as important as what they read (maybe more so in some ways).
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Possibly another point is also one I've encountered, and that is using a pronoun too much in a sentence, or too often beginning sentences with it. Your second paragraph has four sentences beginning with "she", three of which are one after the other.
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BTW, nice to have you in the forum membership. WELCOME!!!

I agree with Mav on all terms. Like him, I'm a lengthy novel writer as for me most short stories only does so much for a character's life. But at 35+ chapters... you have something. Yeah!

You also need more description but not all out total details. in the second chapter, you said:

The girl put her M9 double-action pistol in her concealed holster.

Most reading this would know that the M9 is a double action pistol so that's a moot point. You could have said 'M9 pistol' and in future references 'M9'. But the bigger issue is- where did that gun and its concealed holster went too? Her ass? Seriously. When she pulls that gun out, your readers are going to need to know that it came out of somewhere and not pulled it out of her ass- literally.

Also, leave the self commentaries out of the story. In chapter 2, you wrote:

(No, I did not leave out the contents of the call by accident.)

You also wrote at the end of each chapter:

Still open to any criticism. I would appreciate it if you had anything to reccomend.

and... in ch2:

Lol, fast update, eh?

These are major turn offs here. It insults the intelligence of the readers and cyber begging is a low no one wants to be at. Readers will comment on your stories if they feel like they want too, good or bad, and not because you're asking for it.

And if you want to brag about fast updates, well, I put up SWA Beginnings: Francesca, all 22 chapters up in less than 4 hours on ff.net. But thats an unfair comparison... Besides it being one of my shorter stories...

Also, when you have dialog, this is a major issue that I hate, dont leave 'floating quotes!' By this I mean having dialog in quotes but with no action or or who is saying it! We dont know who said what or how it was said. if you have a repeating dialog where two people are talking, you have to at least denote the first few as to who said what in order to establish the order of who is saying what. Dont ever assume that your readers know- for they dont.

Sorry about getting on your case, but I hope this will improve your writing.

Great tips. TY!

In relation to weapons, or cars, or anything really, adding a specific maker helps the situation a bit, and gives you a little room to play in the writing sandbox.

You use "M9 double-action pistol". Gun nuts know what it is in it's entirety, but someone not as savvy only knows what you put in the story, so you'll always end up referencing it as "pistol" or "M9".

A trick I use is to introduce the weapon or car in it's entirety. Don't go hog-wild with the description, there's plenty of room later to use further descriptiveness to help the story along.
My character Jamie uses a Walther PPS in 9mm. She typically carries it in a purse or her inside the waistband holster. So my introduction goes along the lines of:

Jamie's eyes narrowed and peered into the darkness of the alley, sensing the dangers ahead but knowing no other way to proceed. She pulled her Walther PPS from her purse, its reassuring weight helping to calm her unsteady nerves and the green Trijicon night sights lining up on a shape that was slightly blacker than the darkness around it.

The sharp bark of the nine-millimeter rounds deafened her and echoed down the alley, followed by the agonized moans of the man who had been stalking her as he rapidly bled out and became just another piece of debris in another dirty alley.

Later in the story I could use "Walther", "PPS", "Nine-millimeter," and the generic "pistol" as a specific noun that the reader instantly identifies as being Jamie's gun.

Note also that I added in the Trijicon sights. Having practical experience with guns, I know how hard it is to shoot a handgun in the dark, or into a dark place, thus I chose to equip the gun-savvy Jamie with green tritium sights, making a shot in the dark possible to even the initiated. By referring to them only as "Trijicon Night sights", I plant a seed that will have the reader possibly wondering about the item, and maybe even look it up, but the term "night-sight" tells even the layman that the sights are likely to be designed to make shooting in the dark easier.

Much of my time on "Light..." has been spent on research, on gun sites, wikipedia, my own first-hand knowledge, and even on Google-Earth. If you trickle a few details to the reader over time in the story, you can give a clear image to the reader of what the object is and does, without making it boring or tedious.

In the case of your M9, you could have used "Beretta M9", or "M9 Beretta" (as I use it), giving a good reference point to both the initiated and not. If you only say M9, only the gun-nuts will know what it is (here I disagree, Elf), as it's only a designation, and a military one at that. It would be the same as saying "Smith & Wesson Model 29." A gun nut knows the Model 29 is best known for being the 44 Magnum that Dirty Harry uses. In this case, calling it "the .44 Magnum" will immediately bring up Dirty Harry (which everyone knows of, even if hasn't seen, it's iconic), and they'll know that you're talking about a big revolver, at the least.
So by using "M9 Beretta", you automatically cause any reader to remember where they've seen a Beretta pistol, and they will immediately think of a cop show, or in my case, Lethal Weapon. They then know they type of gun being used and have an image of it in their head.
This gets interesting when you use, say, a Beretta PX4. The trained know that it's not really anything like the M9, except maybe that it's a pistol. The un-trained will still probably be seeing the M9 in their head, so later on you might want to describe it a bit more thoroughly.

Like I said, this applies to cars that will feature prominently in your story, or anything else that is supposed to stick out that not everyone will have a clear image of. Don't use it on, say, a Whirlpool side-by-side refrigerator. Just call it a refrigerator, unless the side-by-side aspect is important. A fridge is a fridge, so the brand doesn't matter- they all look alike anyway. Since there are more variety and detail in guns, knives, cars, and the like, you can use this effectively.

BTW- the M9 Beretta is a single-action/double-action pistol, meaning that it can fire in double-action (from hammer down) first shot and then becomes single-action (firing from hammer cocked) on subsequent shots. You can appease gun-nut readers by using a descriptive line like "the stiff double-action first shot" or "crisper single-action pull" in places. It shows you know what you talkin 'bout.

To give a layman's perspective on the matter of equipment - it really should come up only if it serves an actual plot or character point. You might have heard of "tacticool" or "OPERATOR BLACK" around the web - it's a warning sign to alert people that they're spending so long salivating over the XGP67894Umpteen Mk. 36 Series B-3 with the Embark Fourth-Generation extendable folding stock and the x800 zoom Mux-Lux-Dux-Fux telescopic sighzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... see what I mean?

I'm no gun nut - I haven't even so much as handled a firearm in over two years. I have a little Jane's Gun Recognition Guide pocket-book that I bought from Borders that I flick through every now and again, and for everything else there's Wikipedia. Ninety percent of the time, I just use "pistol" or "rifle" or "pump-action shotgun" and it gets the point across well enough - this is a roughly L-shaped piece of machinery that is capable of perforating you and causing you acute pain and occasionally inviting some redecorating. Still, that's not to say that technical detail isn't occasionally called for - it can be fun to dwell on weaponry outside of an action sequence, say if two characters are arguing about their loadouts - the reader feels educated by the experience. When it comes down to the fight, it can still have a role as long as it's being tied into the surrounding action. Here's something I just dashed out quickly now:

Julio could hear the sirens wailing, the shouting and barking and the clatter and pounding of boots making their way up the stairs - but he wasn't worried. He adjusted his grip on the moulded plastic grip of his FN Five-Seven. The outsize specialist ammunition used in this pistol was 5.56mm, exactly the same as the stuff they put in assault rifles - he could punch through any body armour as if it was paper. Let them surround the place - let them send the entire police department. He'd line 'em up and knock 'em down like a coconut shy at the funfair. They'd have to come at him with a tank to deal with him! Then the window exploded inwards, Henrietta somersaulted through into the room, and in the twelve seconds it took him to fire the entire twenty-round magazine Julio realised that they had done just that.

As you can see the technical detail there - name, ammunition type, magazine size - isn't there for its own sake but all serves to illustrate the wider setting (a rumination and picking out small details to ratchet up tension), establish Julio's confidence (he can take on the police), and then define the power of the cyborg (taking so many bullets in her stride).

Robert Frazer wrote:To give a layman's perspective on the matter of equipment - it really should come up only if it serves an actual plot or character point. You might have heard of "tacticool" or "OPERATOR BLACK" around the web - it's a warning sign to alert people that they're spending so long salivating over the XGP67894Umpteen Mk. 36 Series B-3 with the Embark Fourth-Generation extendable folding stock and the x800 zoom Mux-Lux-Dux-Fux telescopic sighzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... see what I mean?

Ninety percent of the time, I just use "pistol" or "rifle" or "pump-action shotgun" and it gets the point across well enough...

You hit it on the head Robert. I would have simply written:

“The girl holstered her pistol.”

To be honest I agree with both of them. Describing the weapons is in fact detailed and preferable. That is, to a point. Detailing what it is early is often all that is needed; detailing the weapon continuously gets really hard to read after a while.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6267316/3/Gunslinger_Girl_Return_of_the_Fallen_Angel

The man who had asked about the whole Subject 2-Alpha thing

Mmmm, this sounds rather too conversational. If it was in dialogue it'd be fine, but people don't write the way they talk - a 'chatty' approach can work as a style if the text is from a narrator, but this isn't the case here, and I regret to say that it makes the experience feel a little sloppy.

"Heh?" The question man asked, confused.

You can't really 'ask' a grunt - rearrange this a little. The question man was stopped in his tracks by the answer. A confused "Heh?" was all he could manage.

It is a quiet night in the city of Rome. Very few cars are left on the streets, and everything seems peaceful. That is, until a speeding Porsche tore through the streets, with 3 Jeeps in pursuit.

You're mixing your tenses here, switching from present to past in the same scene.

Police had been ordered to stay out of the chase. The sedan carried one single occupant. Subject 2-A(lpha) was driving the car. The jeeps were there to try and stop her from escaping. They had orders to take her alive. The soldiers in the jeeps attempted to take out the sedan's tires, but the sedan, either by lack of skill or great skill on Alpha's part, kept swerving around, making it more difficult to hit the tires. Additionally, the tires were stronger than normal ones. Plus, the sedan always managed to somehow stay in front of them, so the back of the car provided the tires reasonable protection from the bullets.

This has the potential to be an exhilarating action sequence, but it's undermined by your spare description and short sentences. Flesh this out a little more - rushing of the wind, roars of the engines, bullets ripping up the tarmac, screeching tyres as they take corners fast - and it could be a lot more evocative. Also, remember "show, don't tell." Rather than explaining to us that the tyres are bullet-resistant, describe a bullet striking a tyre but bouncing off of thick rubber that dints to absorb its energy. Instead of just saying that the rear of the car offers protection, relate a shooter's frustration that he can't manage to find the right angle to stop his shots just thudding into bumper.

"Lethal takedown authorized. I repeat lethal takedown is authorized!" A man shouted the radio

A small thing here - "A man shouted through the radio". Also why "a man"? The vagueness creates doubt. Is it their commander, or an interloper third party trying to disrupt things? If the identity is not important, just say "the radio squawked" or something like that.

A man knocked on Desk Man's door

Desk man? Question man? I'm sorry to say, but things like this read less like a story and more like rough notes.

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Anyway, I have to say that your story does need a fair amount of polish, but there's the core of something interesting there and with a little work I'm sure it'll shine through.

I agree with Robert.

Also, there would not be Jeeps in Italy unless they were owned by some exclusive Jeep Owners Club. In Europe the most popular and government used 4X4 is the LandRover (any model, Preferably the Discovery I/II/III series; unless you're in Germany, then its the Mercedes. NOTE: Not even the USA Militatry or any of its agencies use Jeeps anymore since the Viet Nam war, they will use Hummers.).

Another thing is "Subject-2A(lpha)" You dont need the "(lpha)" and can shorten this to either Subject-2A or just Alpha. But note- your "Subject-2A(lpha)" by itself suggests that there is a "Subject-1 series" and other "Subject-2 series". If "Subject 2A(lpha)" is a lone unit, it should have been started very early in the story which I remember you already stating back then.

Question man and Desk man needs names and Titles. Even the most evil top secret societies your character could run up against would have names and titles to their people. Question man to me sounds like either a infiltration spy or private investigator. Desk man sounds like the Boss or one of his 'Bean Counters' (Accountants).

The common mistake of the English Language is people writing like how they speak, which is totally wrong! Writing requires organization and placement of words into a coherent pattern to convey an idea; this requires thinking and effort. Talking requires little or no thought process, and you sure fine tune your ear just to listen how people speak and what they say- much of it is garbage! But a good manuscript (a piece of written work) which contains great dialog will have all this into play.

"God Damn Shit, Batman! We're taking a shellacking out here!", Robin yells out in a southern accent. As wrong as Robin's statement is grammatically, its a verbal context that is quoted (put in a pair of "s), and therefore correct.

Meanwhile-

God Damn Shit! Batman and Robin just took a shellacking out there! (alone in a paragraph does not make any sense other than descriptive narrative, which will throw off the rest of the paragraph.)

A last pet-peeve of mine is realism, or keeping it as real as possible. Be honest... You think Rome would be a quiet sleeping city at night? Like major cities in the USA and most cities in Europe, their night-life is just as active as their day-life. Somebody is always doing something somewhere in Rome at night. Parties, people working, hanging out, etc... the streets will be with cars running and people trying to cross at the intersections. Only in South America, former Soviet block nations, some parts of Asia and much of Africa where there are 2nd world nations, would cities go to sleep because their electrical subsystems go down to a lower power output. And without electricity, there is not much to do. Also Cars running around in high speeds in the streets of Rome, even if the streets were empty, would crash because the majority of the streets in Rome were built thin. Look at Princess Di- a lone vehicle crash because the (drunken) driver could not navigate a 2 lane tunnel while being chased by paparazzi. Even sober, I doubt he could have done this...

You know, you can edit and resubmit your chapters when you fix them up on FF.net. Other story places are not as flexible, but FF.net is. Otherwise, its a good story thus far.

Good advice, I felt something was wrong with the chap, but alas, my inabilty to properly examine it came around once again.

FearTheLASERFACE wrote:Good advice, I felt something was wrong with the chap, but alas, my inabilty to properly examine it came around once again.

It happens to all of us

Alright, I improved on the chase sequence and couple other things.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6267316/3/Gunslinger_Girl_Return_of_the_Fallen_Angel

EDIT: Huh, I just checked it, there was no difference. Maybe the changes haven't taken effect.

it takes a 1/2 hour for changes to be made on FF.net

But after an hour, if things are still the same, you need to reload it again.

Alright, there it is. Go click on it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6267316/3/Gunslinger_Girl_Return_of_the_Fallen_Angel

Well that took longer than expected but anyway...

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6267316/4/Gunslinger_Girl_Return_of_the_Fallen_Angel

Looks great. Just a little nit-pick.
Towards the end, you had Jean say, "...He's too god at what he does."

We know you meant 'good'
Damned Typo fairy loves humping on our keyboards, dont she!

Actually, that was not Jean saying it, it was the guy debreifing him.
Indeed it was a typo, but when I went to fix it, it looked kinda clever so I left it there .

Read all 4 chapters last night. Interesting, though a little confusing with all the characters and jumping timeline. I'll be eager to see where you take this.

(Clears throat) Well, here it is.....finally.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6267316/5/Gunslinger_Girl_Return_of_the_Fallen_Angel

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6267316/6/Gunslinger_Girl_Return_of_the_Fallen_Angel

Well, here's another decent-length chapter, finally. I'm still skeptical of quality, though, since I think it was just slightly rushed.

Anyway, though, as you can see by the end of this chapter, things should start getting more interesting soon. No spoiler here, just please go read.

I royally stink at writing but I really like your cool story, FearTheLASERFACE !

Luv the advice given, (I need it like you cannot imagine).