Wham, Bang, Fizz, P.o.W. : A Short Story

Professor Voodoo wrote:I was no fan of drill either. Even in a formation of 60 or so young recruits (all of whom are getting it wrong) the whole exercise made me feel like I was the only one screwing up.

Thougth to be brutally honest: being on the other end is a heap of sadistic fun

Robert Frazer wrote:By the by, if any other readers are unaware as to what exactly all us
former-military types are wittering on about, this is a pretty accurate
summary:

Yeah, looks about right... especially the pricision drill teams

Monty python is awesome.

Just a quick note to mention an edit: I noticed that I missed out some of Mario's and Dona's dialogue in Chapter Four, so that's been reinserted. It's nothing major - After demonstrating assembling the Bizon, Dona asks "can I go back to my Calico now" - but it helps make Mario's subsequent remark actually make sense!

There's also been a few minor adjustments in Chapter Four and Six - "the sergeant" isn't said nearly so much in the forest scene now, and I clarified that Avise started calling the policeman trying to arrest him a "faggot" because he was trying to throw the other man off, not because he was propositioning him.

Naturally, Brian, being former SAS, has disdain for such things, and henceforth proceeded to mock Avise with the above skit, using some of the other second gen girls (Allison, Kara, Laine, Erina, Annette, Adeline, Marisa, and Britney) for the cast.

Brian: Squuaaad! Camp it UP! [the girls begin to march]

Allison: Ooh, get her--!

Kara: --Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear--

All:--two,three--

Laine:--I'll scratch your eyes out!--

Adeline:--Don't come the Brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy--

All:--Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six--

Marisa:--Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant--

All:--two, three. Oooh!

With Michele being a reserve Lieutenant Colonel and the son of a retired Major General, I expect Kara would be doing laps under the steely gaze of Avise...

Kiskaloo wrote:With Michele being a reserve Lieutenant Colonel and the son of a retired Major General, I expect Kara would be doing laps under the steely gaze of Avise...

Later, Monty finds the exhausted Kara collapsed under the shade of a tree after doing eightly laps of the compound...

Monty: See? Believe it or not, hiding out in the admin office does have some advantages. *drops a sheaf of papers on Kara's stomach These are yours by the way.

"Curse your black heart...Blacker!"

"Hmm...that's not nearly as biting as I had hoped..."

[Gets up and follows Monty towards the Admin building.]

Chapter 2

Rico's eyes shone as she beheld it all...fresh facets of a jewel that scintillated in Rico's brimming, loving, life-filled eyes. Rico floated up the tall hall in a state of ecstasy, of communion.

First thing that stands out is the juxtaposition between how we as the audience would perceive a mundane, fluorescent lit truckstop, and how it appears to Rico. I frequently have to pop into places like this while I'm out on the road...I'll have to take care to steer clear of conspicuously unaccompanied 11 year olds filling their shopping baskets at 3am.

fortunately no-one had seemed to twig to the sight of an adolescent girl bouncing up a good seven feet from standing.

I'll definitely steer clear of that! Impressive though...leaping 7 feet, reading the titles, selecting the right one and plucking it from the shelf with no mishaps. Good illustration of cyborg abilities in a non-combat setting.

Very odd. Rico had a curious flick through the book, seeing lots of unusual words which made her feel funny.

Sudoku For You Vol. IV that Henrietta had asked for didn't create the same weird, loopy, quivery, shimmery feelings, despite being another book, one that was even bigger than the last one. Rico couldn't explain why, but she felt vaguely disappointed about that fact.

I got a laugh out of that passage. I suspect Jean has not invested much time in explaining the "facts of life" to his cyborg.

The strange tone in her voice only mutated further when she recognized Rico's actual sex.

Only Rico would be un-offended by something like this.

It had been arranged that the New Kid, Avise Mancini, was to be given all of the second-generation girls for a session –

Seven second-generation cyborgs – Petrushka, Iliria, Giliana, Vanessa, Alba, Kara and the younger Marisa the odd-one-out at the back – were arranged into four paired ranks.

I don't need to tell you, based on the number of fast replies the drill sequence is the highlight of this chapter.

The face below it was a knotted purple.

"'Eff! 'Aight! 'Eff! 'Aight! 'Eff! 'Aight! 'Efffffffff... STOP! Alba, are you a dancer? No? Petrushka is the dancer isn't she? Yes? Yes! Are you trying to upstage your comrade? No, she says. So, why are your feet skittering about like some Hollywood musical?

Now that's something I'd forgotten all about...the drill sergeant's insistent efforts to make you laugh...balanced against your own desperate fight not to, knowing of course that the moment you laugh you become the next target of his or her attention (yes, we had female drill sergeants, they were the worst).

The girls were visibly cringing, crumbling from the onslaught like bunkers cracking under sustained bombardment – except for one pouting figure at the back.

"Stop shouting at me" Marisa muttered.

Yep...trust Marisa to be the first one to shoot off her mouth. This battle seems like the old "irresistible force meets immovable object" paradox. Avise & Marisa are both full of bluster & pretense, I can easily see them butting heads. Round 1 to Mancini it seems. Watch out for cyborgs with laundry detergent...

Marisa, by her act of defiance, had won the ardent blood-loyalty of the rest of the second generation 'til the fall of Valhalla – granting them the sweet merciful respite of a few seconds' sagging while Avise's back was turned.

And she will brag about it later...guaranteed. You read Elio's response perfectly too. While he may not entirely approve of Avise's methods he would not undermine another adult in front of the cyborgs.

"Letting a bit of steam off there eh, Mancini?" Amadeo said suddenly, in a bluff tone that was a disdainful criticism. "Things getting you down lately, needed to beat it out?"

"Down?" Avise looked genuinely confused, before he chuckled lightly. "Amadeo, what on Earth would give you that idea? Things have been great this past week."
"Idea?" Amadeo was so astonished at, and uncomprehending of, Avise's current incongruously light manner that it came out almost as a shout. "You were screaming at those kids so much we were almost taking bets on you having an aneurysm!"
"Your head looked as though it was going to pop like a champagne cork!" Nihad exclaimed.

Good touch here; the support staff veterans vehemently objecting to the harsh treatment of "their" girls. Had it been the first generation cyborgs drilled so harshly I fear there would have been a revolt, not from the cyborgs but among the adults.

Reading both Avise and the crowd with a quick scan, Elio bit his lip and leaned forward to prevent a souring of the atmosphere. "So, those girls were pretty dismal, eh?" He said gregariously loudly,

And that's what Lorenzo brought him in to do. Use his experience, keep things balanced, and keep the peace as the organization grows larger.

even though Avise was an officer and Elio was Other Ranks, Elio's status as a grizzled veteran and as special forces was not a little awe-inspiring in the (relatively) younger man. "I was hoping that it'd impress you." Avise said, a little plaintively,

I wonder if Avise will feel the same when he learns the less than glorious reasons that Alboreto left the British Army for the Ministry of Intelligence.

"After my dad died an Army scholarship was the only way I could fund university," Avise explained, "and even that was a secondary option. For a while I actually through that I might have the Vocation. That was back when I was seventeen, not long before I wrapped up school. I was even reading the pamphlets about the priesthood at the back of church."
Elio arched his eyebrows in surprise –

Glad to see more of Avise's background and motivation surfacing. Actually, it seems to me that the military & the clergy are not as wildly disparate career choices as they may seem. They are both insular organizations with an authoritarian command structure. Both are overwhelmingly male-oriented as well.

From the literary perspective, Mancini's confession of what the decider actually turns out to be provides a terrific bookend to the section...capped off by a reminder that Mari still has a few laps to go.

"Alright everyone!" Rico squealed with glee, practically dancing on the table as she swung the bag up to hold it aloft. "Come and get it!"

While some might object to such an extroverted portrayal of Rico, I loved seeing her revel in being the center of attention. I wonder if this is a ceremony that is played out every time one of the girls makes a "run." The scene certainly has a very primal, tribal feel to it.

"Claes has her bag of chocolate raisins, six Vicks Inhalers and a tube of lip salve!"

Several girls eyed Claes strangely. Claes sniffed haughtily and turned her nose up in an arch expression, as though she was considering higher matters than whatever the scurrilous gossip of the plebs might insinuate. "It's an experiment" she sniffed, and offered no further comment.

Your guesses as to what each of the girls "order" seems spot-on, but I'll admit that Claes even has me confused with her selections. Has she learned how to make cyborg-meth!?

"There is no need for any distress, Henrietta," Amelia explained, "through the sharing of common possessions we merely harmonise our operational rhythm through sharing so as to obtain a state of sublimation and telepathic communion with extrasensory precognition while concentrating on mission priorities."

Henrietta blinked, visibly astonished. "Really?"

"No, Henrietta, that is not the case." Bella shook her head with slow, grave censure. "Amelia is being facetious, which is to say, she is utilising the rhetorical device of sarcasm to mock your gullibility and aggressively denigrate your intellect."

That passage had me laughing...the BSqG's apparently know they seem alien and robotic to the others, and have a bit of fun at their expense by playing up their own image.

"We have concluded that she is capable of rendering male characters in such a manner that, if they were to be materially real people, we would desire to engage in sexual intercourse with them." Diana said.

Sunk in? Triela's cheeks burnt with shame and embarrassment.

"That's no trouble!" Rico beamed happily, and waved both her arms emphatically even though the girls were barely twelve feet away. "Have a nice night!"

Nice night--! Triela almost choked in horror. God bless Rico's empty head!

Another winner there...who would suspect an undercurrent of randiness in the puzzle-assembling quartet?

Marisa: (lying in her bottom bunk) What is that noise up there?

She petered off when the room only responded to her with blank stares that might well have come from the bomb squad themselves.

Dona dropped her hands down in an exasperated sigh. "Rico, can I please have my Twix now?"

Sigh...the joke that doesn't go over as expected...we've all been there.

She petered off when the room only responded to her with blank stares that might well have come from the bomb squad themselves.

Dona dropped her hands down in an exasperated sigh. "Rico, can I please have my Twix now?"

Sigh...the joke that doesn't go over as expected...we've all been there.
I co-miserated right there big time. I felt especially bad for her because I know the awesomeness that is Cannon Fodder.

Chapter 3

The following week was pretty much business as usual.

The consistent chapter beginnings are a clever touch.

Dona had a little accident....She lost three fingers, which left her a real pouting grump for the half-day or so it took to replace them.

Another amusing example of the unique attitude brought about by having replaceable parts.

"What's your regime? I've been in charge of exercise programmes for years now, I could probably help tune you up." Avise offered helpfully.

Avise is certainly trying hard to find his place in the Agency...with somewhat lackluster success.

I suspect that by reputation alone he would already know Triela...and treat her a bit differently than he does the other girls. Even if she is just a 14 year old cyborg she's still the star of the organization.

Mancini's awkwardness casts a new light on certain parts of Lamb & Tyger. No wonder he is so exuberantly joyful (even to the point of bursting into song) when he is assigned his cyborg...he's finally found his place in the club.

"Sorry for interrupting, Mr. Mancini, but are you free for a moment?" Ferro's voice cut in

And this marks the first time in canon or fan-fiction that Ferro has actually saved one of the girls from an uncomfortable situation!

"You've been awarded a new responsibility, Mr. Mancini – that of science teacher for the cyborgs' education segments.

Okay...I'll have to incorporate that into my universe as well. Sciences were hitherto unspoken for. Going back to my previous comment; it doesn't surprise me that he eagerly accepts a new duty...it gives him more of the toe-hold he is seeking.

She looked at the fifty-euro note in her hands. Monique had shown her a trick with a five pound-sterling note where if you folded it in a particular manner, you could make the picture of the Queen on the back smile and frown.

Apparently Monty has lots of time to discover useless tricks while sitting in the passenger seat of Jethro's Audi.

The girls weren't permitted to own money themselves – discretionary income would mean a measure of choice and independence

I'm glad someone is adhering more rigidly to canon in this respect...I admit I have not been so disciplined. I personally draw the line at the cyborgs having their own personal source of income. Any money they do have must be attained by begging their masters or doing extra work within the confines of the agency.

While going through the pockets of a Padanian who she had ventilated with a barrel of buckshot, Triela had chanced across a wallet which, remarkably, was stuffed with money – fully two thousand euros' worth of banknotes,

Aha...so that's where the cash is coming from.

Triela's rationalization of the "procurement" is one of my favorite parts of this chapter. The conflict between human nature & conditioning is at the very core of GSG...and placing that in the context of a minor dishonest indulgence just makes it cute.

brought to Triela's mind that time the safehouse she'd been storming had had the entrance mined. They'd picked up her right leg in a tree and her Winchester three blocks away.

Dr. Donato: Triela, you have to relax...we can reattach your leg and you'll be as good as new, I promise.

Triela: (frantic) To hell with my leg! Did anyone find my shotgun!?

...to see Hilshire walking in.

The "Oh Shit" moment of the chapter. With that one line the whole story changes!

Hilshire would be dazzled by long golden hair reflecting the light of the hallway and his eyes would be drawn right to her...

Even in a moment of terrifying duress she's still got a crush on the man. I also like how Triela places the incident in the context of metaphorical combat.

Base! Triela breathed a sigh of relief and release as she locked herself into a stall. The one place where no man could ever follow her.

Shifting from the metaphor of combat to that of a game of tag. Neat way of utilizing both the warrior and the kid aspects of her identity.

Triela pawed at herself cautiously. Just as well she was already in the toilet.

Lowbrow...but I got a laugh out of it!

Pietro Abruzzo was reluctant to leave the warm bubble of the car, and eventually his partner Mario Costi had to rap his knuckles on the windscreen to jerk him out.

While I'm confident that more than 2 men in the nation of Italy have the name Mario, I found it confusing at times that two men in the story shared the same name.

The security guard clattered noisily around the side of the television, before pulling out an ungainly tower of old VHS tapes

The old device grinded and whirred like a food disposal unit as one of the tapes was fed into it.

Jeeze, am I the only one left who still uses one of these?

"Watch this young girl, here." Fuccini pointed out to the image of an adolescent with a brown bob haircut, standing in the middle of the central corridor.

she seemed to spinning about the floor her head back and staring up at the ceiling, to the extent that she even stumbled into a few other customers.

the girl – with two plastic bags heavily laden with goods – swung them freely as though they only held empty air. Pietro suppressed a smirk as the thin plastic on one of the bags' handles snapped, spilling shopping all over the tarmac.

*sigh* One can only wonder what is going on inside Henrietta's head most of the time.

Just as the girl was leaving the service station with a bag of shopping under each arm, she abruptly changed course...she was actively avoiding someone.

Fun to see the perspective shift on what we've just read.

– the girls should be dead with congealed sugar clogging their colons.

A minor slip perhaps...doesn't Pietro still think there are boys (Rico) involved?

The exchange between the 2 police officers was a bit unusual for you...employing curt, fast paced dialogue to cover a lot of ground fast. Considering the two characters I'd say that was a good choice.

Together, they dropped down onto the tarmac and did the standard chassis-check for car bombs,

A very realistic touch that I had not considered in my own stories. You kept it very low-key as well.

Pietro's voice trailed off into a scowl as the car behind them insisted on tailgating, even though the detectives were already in the fast lane. Pietro pulled back into the middle lane to let the car zoom ahead. "We should arrest him for speeding." He grumbled.
"We're doing 140 KM ourselves." Mario pointed out.

This close to SWA Headquarters, it's probably Michele...

"Well, I can work out that much, but what else is there?" Mario inquired.

"Perhaps it is a 'security matter' after all." Pietro intoned darkly. "There's a large forest area just behind the station. A group of Padanians bivouacking out in there, and they've co-opted some local country kids to do supply runs for them.

The plot thickens! Apparently junk food leads to even more serious problems than obesity...

Michele: "Step aside, Jackson. You're holding up the parade."

Thanks for the comments, Voodoo.

Glad to see more of Avise's background and motivation surfacing. Actually, it seems to me that the military & the clergy are not as wildly disparate career choices as they may seem. They are both insular organizations with an authoritarian command structure. Both are overwhelmingly male-oriented as well.

Interestingly, there's a scene in a future story where Avise meets up with his old regimental padre, who takes one look at the cyborgs and tells Avise that he's a monster and on the express elevator to Hell. It's going to a fun scene to write... pity that there's three other in-progress stories to finish before I can get to it.

Your guesses as to what each of the girls "order" seems spot-on, but I'll admit that Claes even has me confused with her selections. Has she learned how to make cyborg-meth!?

I was aiming for a 'weird' image - just what sort of wild concoction is Claes brewing with such bizarre ingredients - but I seem to have fumbled it, sorry.

Okay...I'll have to incorporate that into my universe as well. Sciences were hitherto unspoken for. Going back to my previous comment; it doesn't surprise me that he eagerly accepts a new duty...it gives him more of the toe-hold he is seeking.

That's true, but there's a further point in this particular situation as well - Avise can tell that Ferro is trying to get a rise out of him and he doesn't want to give her the satisfaction (hence the stress on a "bland" response). Not to say that there's any animosity between the two, just that Avise isn't going to let someone score a point on him.

While I'm confident that more than 2 men in the nation of Italy have the name Mario, I found it confusing at times that two men in the story shared the same name.

I have to admit to laziness here. I needed a character name, but the internet was slow that night and I couldn't be arsed to wait for the Italian Names website to load, so I just slapped down "Mario" and was done with it.

A minor slip perhaps...doesn't Pietro still think there are boys (Rico) involved?

Oops, well-spotted.

The plot thickens! Apparently junk food leads to even more serious problems than obesity...

The way some people moaned about Kraft Foods buying out Cadbury's recently, you'd have thought that an international assassin's ring had been contracted to settle the matter!

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Incidentally, if anyone is not familiar with the band that Hilshire was listening to: Kraftwerk are a long-running German group and a member of the experimental 'Krautrock' movement. They were early pioneers of musical synthesisers and made their name with surrealist post-human hallucinations of a brave new world.