Re: 'Light as Seen Through Darkness' -Michael and Jamie

by maverick375 Wed 6 Jan 2010 - 18:32

To be honest, Jamie's dream confused the hell out of me, but then
again, that's what real dreams do. I have no idea what the significance
of the beverage machines are (in relation to Jamie), but perhaps that
will be revealed as the story progresses.

The dream is more to represent her own confusion and mixed-up mind than any real 'flashback', per say. Anyway, it's a dream, it's going to be confusing.
Perhaps the only real line of note in there is the one about machines that move on their own could not be trusted. When I write, I try to write in the character's mindset, and Jamie's mind at that point is extremely confused, afraid, and uncertain.

That specific line was accidental, but it stemmed from my view of her mindset, and I came to realize that it represents her subconscious view of her cyborg body. Or something.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

by maverick375 Wed 6 Jan 2010 - 18:52

I'm a bit surprised that Jamie would ask if this was a sanctioned
mission and when finding out it wasn't and expressing reservations,
would then proceed to go in and kill everyone, anyway. I'd be more
inclined to think she wouldn't ask questions, period. When Michael says
"this is our mission - kill everyone, but this guy, who must survive
because he has information that is vital to us that we must recover, no
matter the risks", I felt I would expect her to say "Understood" and
carry then it out.

I mentioned earlier on in the story that her memory wipe is breaking down. There are also instances where her aggressiveness is significantly more than normal for someone who is otherwise fairly in-control. All of this is part of the story.

In any case, there is a bit of a "speak her mind" attitude coming out in her, and it's simply the result of Michael not cracking down on it and letting her get away with it.

Personally, while the intensity of the moment was my main focus, I found some amusement in the way she doesn't want to kill a specific man, but has no problem killing many lackeys to get to him.

Her words to Tommy were a combination of being in her "work" mindset, and her intentional attempt to be intimidating. Remember Michael mentioned that about her at the table with Fermi in Venice? Michael's training has been in how to take every advantage she can in any situation and while only some of it has stuck, she has ruthless down to a 'T' because he does as well. I'm not entirely sure how to explain it better. She is becoming more like him, even as he is changing.

by **Kiskaloo** Wed 6 Jan 2010 - 19:13

Well that explains it then. Since I'm biting this off in small chapters, I'm not remembering it as a cohesive narrative in my mind so I am clearly missing / forgetting things. But that's my fault. Smile

by **ElfenMagix** Wed 6 Jan 2010 - 22:30

Be in my shoes. In reading the 3 stories at the same time, I'm confusing who's who and what's where; as evident by Prof. VooDoo pointing out that I goofed on his Wiki Entries and gave him credit for Mav's OCs.

Its been fixed, but you can still look at the History link and see the original entry there. ROTFL

by Professor Voodoo Wed 6 Jan 2010 - 23:07

ElfenMagix wrote:In reading the 3 stories at the same time, I'm confusing who's who and what's where;

At least Robert has wrapped up The Long Weekend. That means I'm down to only reading 2 GsG stories at once for the time being, in addition to writing.

by **Kiskaloo** Wed 6 Jan 2010 - 23:43

Well I imagine the story is the better for it, to be honest, since it's a cohesive narrative from a cohesive universe.

by maverick375 Sun 10 Jan 2010 - 17:22

I have an admission to make:

In a recently written chapter, I introduced a character named Marissa, someone associated with Michael in his post-Prague, pre-expulsion CIA days. The name popped in my head and stuck there, and I couldn't figure out why until I glanced at Voodoo's story page. Oops. Regardless, now that I know why it bugged me, it's getting a change.

This is also one of the reasons I try to avoid reading others' work while I'm writing. Unintentional plagiarism is something I have to contend with in my head, and what seems like a good idea to me sometimes ends up as being someone else's first, and I try to mitigate that. So if I don't read your stuff immediately, this is why, and it's not personal. I'll get to it eventually.

by Professor Voodoo Sun 10 Jan 2010 - 18:00

maverick375 wrote: Regardless, ..., it's getting a change.

I don't see why, it's not as if I have a copyright on a person's name. I'm sure our respective audiences will be able to keep things straight.

by maverick375 Wed 13 Jan 2010 - 11:06

I've definitely turned the corner in Chapter 30. Though it's some ways off, the end is certainly in sight.

by Professor Voodoo Sat 16 Jan 2010 - 9:02

Chapter 16

The data mining chapter has a unique action sequence...I don't think I've read one like it in either canon or fanfiction. Most mission stories are centered around fighting, but you found a different way to utilize your fratello's skills.

“I’m blending in. These maid outfits are cute. Will you buy me one?”
“Stick to the mission, Jamie. The longer you’re in that disguise, the better the chance you’ll be discovered.”
“Right. You’re no fun.”

I like these mission moments whe the cyborg feels relaxed enough to crack a joke, or genuinely cocky enough to let her mind wander. It really lets the reader what frame of mind the girl is in.

dashing across the hall to the bathroom, swinging the door open wide, and crossing the room to the closet. Inside she found the supplies she was hoping for and, taking the largest gamble of her life so far, sprayed cleaner all over the nearby commode and started wiping it at with a rag, mumbling epithets in Italian.

This is another funny passage...all the way to Jamie distracting the guard with her ass. The indignities of the job. Wonder if she at least finished cleaning the toilet...

“Michael, respond.” Another ten seconds of waiting passed and she suddenly felt entirely alone in the world

A great sentence there...you really feel Jamie's despiration as the all-important link with her handler is severed.

Even her limited knowledge of the targets allowed her to realize that if found, she would not survive it.

Her cyborg cockiness is gone now! This whole passage is terrificly tense, you really feel her vulnerability.

He looked over at her and finally let his disappointment in her show, his eyes angry and aimed at her.
“I’m sorry, Michael.”
“Now’s not the time, at least not while you’re driving. We’ll discuss this at length at the apartment.”

After the exciting escape, Michael's displeasure with Jamie is almost a downer. Don't get me wrong, it's realistic, and sets up the whole rest of the chapter. After the last few chapters I was hoping for a friction between the two.

It was an inviting scent for her, her brain telling her it was Michael

Note; you might want to vary the pronouns a bit here...there's a bit of a "her" overload in this sentence.

She lacked any clothes ... so she would have to raid Michael’s room for his sweats.

Details like this preserve a cute, endearing quality in Jamie, in spite of the fact that she's older than the average SWA cyborg.

The fire had been something she had a hand in, if indirectly, and innocents had been killed. It was not something she contemplated much, but she certainly did not go out of her way to kill innocents. On a fundamental level, it disturbed her.

A sobering twist there.

“Could you please put something on?”
“Hm? Well, I guess I can make a fresh pot of coffee if you like.” Jamie really had missed the point and wondered why Ferro suddenly looked like she was about to kill someone.
“Clothes, please. Put some clothes on.”

“Speaking of which... Why did you burn his house?”

I laughed as I read these sections...poor Ferro continues to suffer at the hands of these two.

“Are you okay over there?”
“I’ll be okay. I injured my back when Jamie threw me onto a bed.”
There was only silence for a long several moments.
“Michael... Seriously, she’s a bit young, you know.

Jamie, Ferro, Tanya...Michael's diversely varying relationships with the women in his life lends an interesting undercurrent to the story.
It seems ironic that Michael spends the first part of the chapter gathering a certain block of information, and the second part getting analysis of a totally seperate block. The involvement of Antonio Santorini ties the two parts together well.

On to chapter 17...

by **Kiskaloo** Sat 16 Jan 2010 - 10:40

I completed the rest of the chapters yesterday, including the latest installment.

Very, very strong first work to date, and I look forward to the next chapter(s).

by maverick375 Sat 16 Jan 2010 - 12:28

I completed the rest of the chapters yesterday, including the latest installment.

Very, very strong first work to date, and I look forward to the next chapter(s).

You made it through 29? And you're still awake??!!?

by maverick375 Sat 16 Jan 2010 - 12:31

It was an inviting scent for her, her brain telling her it was Michael
Note; you might want to vary the pronouns a bit here...there's a bit of a "her" overload in this sentence.

Muwhahahaha ::rubs hands evilly:: Now you see the true terror of my plan!!! DEATH BY PRONOUNS!!!!!!! ::tears up:: My 6th grade English teacher would be so proud.

by maverick375 Sat 16 Jan 2010 - 12:37

It seems ironic that Michael spends the first part of the chapter
gathering a certain block of information, and the second part getting
analysis of a totally seperate block. The involvement of Antonio
Santorini ties the two parts together well.

Hmm... Is it confusing? Michael is getting info on Ricci for the Agency's issues. Tanya calls with info from his work while in Prague, the computer from Aldridge's apartment. He ties it all together, which leads up into chapter 18.

by Professor Voodoo Mon 18 Jan 2010 - 8:00

maverick375 wrote: Hmm... Is it confusing?

No, not confusing at all...in fact I think it lends a consistent theme to the whole chapter.

by **ElfenMagix** Mon 18 Jan 2010 - 18:03

Confusing is when you have two or more girls...

Spoiler:

by Alfisti Wed 3 Feb 2010 - 3:53

So... I'm now up to chapter 6 (yeah, slow starter I know).

Really liking what I've seen so far. It's been interesting watching Michael and Jamie's relationship change over the first few chapters, I look forward to more.

Haha, seems like the SWA is starting to fill up with ex-spies in the fan-verse 'Light as Seen Through Darkness' -Michael and Jamie - Page 2 Icon_razz

by **Kiskaloo** Wed 3 Feb 2010 - 11:07

Alfisti wrote:Haha, seems like the SWA is starting to fill up with ex-spies in the fan-verse

Sandro started a trend. Smile

by maverick375 Wed 3 Feb 2010 - 18:56

Well, I suppose I could have Michael be a millionaire playboy who grew up with a silver-spoon, but would he really be as exciting?

::gives Alfisti a 100pt badge for his bravery in tackling the tome. And a +7 sword, just in case::

by Alfisti Wed 3 Feb 2010 - 20:47

maverick375 wrote:
::gives Alfisti a 100pt badge for his bravery in tackling the tome. And a +7 sword, just in case::

Alfisti has accepted +7 sword of walloping... but is mildly concerned by the fact that, since he's reading, the pen may just be mightier than it 'Light as Seen Through Darkness' -Michael and Jamie - Page 2 Icon_razz

There is a lot of words there though... I feel like I'm getting value for money 'Light as Seen Through Darkness' -Michael and Jamie - Page 2 Icon_wink

by maverick375 Wed 3 Feb 2010 - 21:40

There is a lot of words there though... I feel like I'm getting value for money

You can't beat free. Then again, maybe i should make like Stephen King and charge per chapter after this. "Continued development" is too candy-ass a phrase to use, though. I prefer the term "Extortion."
YEEEeeeeeessss....MUWAHAHAHA!!!!

(Incidently, as of the beginning of Chapter 31, it's 201,000+ words

by maverick375 Mon 22 Feb 2010 - 20:04

Update!!!! Chapter 30-31 on the bottom of the first post!!!

by Professor Voodoo Tue 23 Mar 2010 - 17:52

I've just recently gotten back to this & I'm up to chapter 21. The plot certainly is intensifying beyond what I thought it would.

Looking forward to seeing how this pans out...

by Professor Voodoo Sun 11 Apr 2010 - 5:47

I'm finished with chapter 31. You've made some really interesting plot twists, while keeping it focused as a relationship story between Jamie & Michael. I'm glad to see Maria showing up and playing a greater part as well.

by maverick375 Sun 11 Apr 2010 - 8:25

I'm tying up a few loose ends in the character devel department, and then it's onward towards the end. I just hope I can make the ending worth the wait.

by maverick375 Sat 17 Apr 2010 - 18:44

ANOTHER UPDATE!!!!

Chapters 32-34

Plenty of C-D, Michael's dirty secrets, and a promise of more killing to follow.

by **Kiskaloo** Sat 17 Apr 2010 - 18:58

To Microsoft Word, Robin!

by Professor Voodoo Sat 17 Apr 2010 - 19:31

Excellent...between this...Elfen's Solution's Resolution and Kisk & Rusty's new Top Gear story I'm sure to get no work of my own done!

by maverick375 Wed 28 Apr 2010 - 21:14

I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me.

Chapters 35-36

by **Kiskaloo** Wed 28 Apr 2010 - 21:15

It's Movie Night, but I'll be sure to look at it tomorrow and giveth my opinion.

by maverick375 Wed 28 Apr 2010 - 21:17

Lurker!!! At least give the post time to cool!

by Professor Voodoo Wed 28 Apr 2010 - 21:19

Arrghh! I'd caught up and now I'm falling behind again. I blame my HD failure; it's taking a while to re-build my library. Chapters 32-36 downloaded...

by maverick375 Fri 18 Jun 2010 - 20:45

"There are some roads not to follow; some troops not to strike; some cities not to assault; and some ground which should not be contested."

Chapters 37-38

by **Kiskaloo** Fri 18 Jun 2010 - 21:11

maverick375 wrote:"There are some roads not to follow; some troops not to strike; some cities not to assault; and some ground which should not be contested."

Chapters 37-38

Fantastic. Definitely on my study

list this weekend. Yes Indeed

by **Kiskaloo** Mon 21 Jun 2010 - 18:51

Michael and Jamie have a very different fratello dynamic that what one would consider "the norm", but it makes them a more intriguing pair / couple for it.

by maverick375 Mon 21 Jun 2010 - 19:57

It's a love/hate thing going on.

With guns. 'Light as Seen Through Darkness' -Michael and Jamie - Page 2 Icon_biggrin

by **Kiskaloo** Mon 21 Jun 2010 - 21:54

maverick375 wrote:It's a love/hate thing going on.

With guns.

I wish I could give a deep and meaningful review to these stories like Professor Voodoo does, but I'm not really much of a critic beyond "loved it" or "hated it". sweat

by maverick375 Sun 11 Jul 2010 - 15:53

Another Update!!!

Chapters 39-40

"The surrealistic adventure that will become your world."
(10 Honey Badger points to the first to name where that came from.)

by maverick375 Sat 23 Oct 2010 - 14:33

Another update!!!

Chapter 41

by Professor Voodoo Sun 24 Oct 2010 - 5:37

Missed your last update...I'm caught up now, reading when I get off shift this afternoon.

by **Kiskaloo** Sun 24 Oct 2010 - 13:35

I finished it on the slog to ICN.

Being a more mature (in age and emotion) fratello compared to most of the OCs, it's interesting to see the dichotomy of their relationship compared to, say, Elio and Marissa.

I also like how Michael's similarities in motivations to Jean - he appears to be in it for revenge more than "patriotism".

by maverick375 Sun 26 Dec 2010 - 0:23

Santa called. Told me to get my fat ass in gear and get this story finished, and that if he didn't see some progress under the tree tonight, he'd slaughter my dog and smear "NOEL" in it's blood on the wall.

I hate Christmas.

Chapter 42

by **Kiskaloo** Sun 26 Dec 2010 - 0:55

Spoiler:

by maverick375 Sun 6 Mar 2011 - 0:22

And now the exciting continuation!!!!

Chapter 43

YAYIFICATIONS!!! A FREEBIE!!!!!
Chapter 44

by Professor Voodoo Mon 7 Mar 2011 - 1:56

maverick375 wrote:And now the exciting continuation!!!!

Chapter 43

YAYIFICATIONS!!! A FREEBIE!!!!!
Chapter 44

Saved. it's been a while since I've caught up on Michael & Jamie's story so I'll have to go back a chapter or two to get up to speed.

by **ElfenMagix** Mon 7 Mar 2011 - 16:59

It is... damn... well written.
Full of twists and emotions rarely seen here.

by MP5 Mon 7 Mar 2011 - 19:21

as I said in chat, great job as usual. Stupendous, even. big points for 'Eyepatched badass' Jamie

by maverick375 Mon 7 Mar 2011 - 21:33

I'm glad people are liking this. It makes the long stretches of writer's block seem almost worth it.

The end is nigh. I might make it an even fifty chapters, but that's not set in stone. I'm only three pages past the released-to point, so it's going to take some time, and who knows how much it's going to be. I'll do my best, though.

And MP... your reaction to 43 is the only reason I released 44 this soon. I couldn't bear to see the hurt look on your posts.

by MP5 Mon 7 Mar 2011 - 22:18

maverick375 wrote:
And MP... your reaction to 43 is the only reason I released 44 this soon. I couldn't bear to see the hurt look on your posts.

Well, I have to say that it's because you wrote the story so well that I reacted that way. I seriously grew to love Jamie with each passing chapter and then what happened in 43 was a serious punch to the gut. I couldn't think of anything beyond that moment except "Jamie! NOOOOOOOOOO!" Cry

And then you made her cling to life. Yes, it might be only for a short while longer, but I would've been seriously bummed out if she didn't have a chance to avenge herself and her friends. I can only wish I could write the way you do. I have so many goddamn characters waiting in the wings, but I fear I can't make them grow to be loved by the readers. What more with Allison and Brian? Jamie and Michael's story is engaging, thoroughly well-written, and I have come to look forward to every adventure your protagonists have.

by maverick375 Mon 7 Mar 2011 - 22:29

BTW, the entire thing with her surviving isn't really that much of a surprise, is it? The re-designed eye sockets are canon to the best of my knowledge. I swear it was mention not-so-long after the Elsa incident, but can't remember exactly where. Regardless, it was mention in my story earlier. I don't expect anyone to remember something from the first five chapters, though, being so long ago.

A mod like that is harder to do in the type-ones as it would have to be added to the regular design. The series 2 cyborgs would have it engineered in.

by maverick375 Sat 12 Mar 2011 - 9:53

YAY!!! Broke a thousand views on my thread.!

by **emperor** Sun 13 Mar 2011 - 8:12

Congratulation!!! cheers

by maverick375 Mon 9 May 2011 - 23:05

Story is finally finished. Updates on the first page.

Thanks to everyone who waited and thrilled when I released chapters. I've got a bit of confidence to start my next written work, an original, and hopefully I'll have the enthusiasm I had for this one.

-Mav

by **Kiskaloo** Tue 10 May 2011 - 0:00

maverick375 wrote:Story is finally finished. Updates on the first page.

by MP5 Tue 10 May 2011 - 0:33

Well done, Maverick. a fitting and touching end for Jamie, while Michael still soldiers on fighting for a just cause-- speaking of which, there's a certain guy in NYC with a Pontiac Solstice he should get in touch with...

by **Kiskaloo** Tue 10 May 2011 - 3:04

Solid ending to a great story.

by John_234 Thu 1 Sep 2011 - 3:55

Trying to read the first bunch of chapters but it keeps saying it's corrupted?

by maverick375 Thu 1 Sep 2011 - 21:38

Trying to read the first bunch of chapters but it keeps saying it's corrupted?

The link worked fine for me. It's a link to a download from my own server, a simple .RTF file that can be opened in MS Word or even Wordpad, so it should prompt for a download open or save. If you're trying to open with Notepad, it's probably erring out due to the sheer volume the first 27 chapters contain.

It's also on Fanfict.net here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7190521/1/Light_As_Seen_Through_Darkness
More or less by chapter.

by John_234 Thu 1 Sep 2011 - 23:49

FF.net link works. I was using Microsoft Word 2010, by the by.

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