The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Hello all; I've finally uploaded the first 2 stories involving my OC's Elio Alboreto & Marisa.

1. Marisa's New Home

2. Marisa: An Incident In Paris

Hope you enjoy.

21 November 2009
New story added;
3. Marisa 3: Trouble on the Compound, a "dorm life" story that could alternately be called Cyborgs Behaving Badly.

4 December 2009
4. Marisa 4: Gwendolyn's Story. This is Marisa's origin tale. It contains a lot of violent child abuse, so if that's something that will bother you I'd suggest skipping it. There's nothing here that can't be figured out from the other episodes.
13 December 2009
5. Marisa 5: One Long Day. After a busy morning in the dorm, Mari goes out on her first joint operation with another fratello.
19 December 2009
6. Marisa 6: Battle Damage. A member of the fratello is injured, and must spend the whole day making sure their partner doesn't find out.
27 December 2009
7. Marisa 7: The Academy at Rufina. Marisa faces her most terrifying challenge yet. Oh yes, there will be nuns...
16 January 2010
8. Marisa 8: Joining the Club. Elio takes Mari on her first stakeout, which leads to another significant first for her.
22 February 2010
9. Marisa 9: Ginslinger Girl. While convalescing in the SWA hospital, Marisa daydreams about what life would be like as a "normal girl."
24 February 2010
10.Marisa 10: Operation Copperhead. A hostage situation in Pescara calls for a creative attack plan...the craziest, dumbest attack plan Elio has ever had to execute. Wonder who dreamed that up.....?
13 March 2010
11.Marisa 11: Time Off. The fratello takes a vacation diving & exploring the ruins around the Bay of Naples.
20 March 2010
12.Marisa 12: Victory & Goodbye. Information recovered from a captured enemy hard-drive leads to a battle outside Italy's borders, meanwhile, not all is well on the home front.
12 May 2010
13.Marisa 13: Shakespeare in the Dorm. Not specifically a Marisa story, Triela & Claes take the lead in this comedic episode. With a sudden outbreak of peace the room-mates must find something to focus the energy of their fellow cyborgs before too much idle time tears the agency apart.
12 July 2010
14.Marisa 14: Palermo Round Up, Part 1. A force of 6 fratelli and their support staff set up temprary headquarters in Palermo, Sicily for a major operationa against mafia targets.
16 September 2010
Chapter 2
30 October 2010
Chapter 3
2 December 2010
15.Marisa 15: Separate Paths. Elio is called away on a secret mission, and both members of the fratello get to work with different partners.
25 February 2011
16.Marisa 16: Alpine Assignment. A Section 2 team is deployed to a tiny mountain resort town to locate a missing informant before the Padania finds him first.
4 June 2011
17.Marisa 17: The Silver Chalice. Marisa & Elio travel to Bruges to recover an artifact stolen almost seven decades before during the Nazi occupation of France, helped Jethro & Monty.

I've only had time to read the first couple of sections at the moment, Professor Voodoo - lots of work to do, unfortunately - but it's interesting so far. Graziano having a gold ring and a rentacar did seem a little odd at first, but the juxtaposition suits the greasy ragtag appearance of someone who's scavenging spoil from his hits!

I'll have a proper review once I've finished the whole tale.

So, I've read through the first chapter and I have to say: decidedly excellent... makes me wish I was a writer

I particularly enjoyed the interactions between the handlers, cool how the spooks hang together a bit.

Anyways, onto the next chapter.

"Was too drunk to care" - isn't that about the point where someone suggests that having a go at walking it might be a good idea (in the best tradition of drunken "good" ideas)?

Anyway, I think I'm again going to use the work "excellent" to describe the second installment as well, and again I think your interactions between different characters... in this case between Marissa and the various people she meets in Paris.

I'm trying to think of ways of talking about it without leaving a wide path of spoilers.

Either way, I'll be hanging on the next chapter.

I read them this morning and I also liked them.

Right-o, then, some more developed thoughts:

The issue of Marisa's unique conditioning was communicated very well, both in her sudden and unheralded slides into "Marisa moments" (particularly the first one in the car) and her subconscious remembrance of pre-Agency life (her mother was a junkie, so she smashes the combo-pen in Paris). Your explanation of conditioning as dulling a cyborg's acute hypersensitivity worked neatly and consistently. The implications of the pressure weaknesses as a torture device was quite impressively chilling and definitely ups the ante, adding a new layer of depth to conflict and relations. However, when it came onto the matter of Claes and Jean's "I will join you in that war" I feel that it became a little overwrought and histrionic - you overegged the pudding there. Outside of that, though, questions of conditioning throughout both stories were well-integrated with the plot and made a real contribution to the drama.

I don't really agree with your interpretation of Jean's relationship with Raballo. You put a convincing argument in the story itself, but I would say that Jean's admiration of Raballo was crushed in his outrage at Raballo's betrayal (go back to the series - when Jean meets Raballo, it's the only time in all of GSG that he's actually smiling! When Jean's announcing Raballo's death, though, he's back to his stern thin-lipped self). That's something you can argue about though, so don't take it as too deep a criticism. Outside of that issue I felt that your characterisation was very good, from the subjects taught at class (Jean's films was good attention to detail) to the bomb squad being appropriately doped to the eyeballs to stop those fatal shivers (and rather than just being robotic it was human to show their way of finding fun in mind games).

Although you're a bit late with the relationship warning, Lorenzo. A&P are as happy as March hares.

I literally laughed out loud when it came to Rico's bathing accident. It's entertaining to see a bit of levity breach into Jean's life, and it was skilled to make it an authentic event and not an out-of-character swerve.

Incidentally, from the end of the first story I get the impression that Gwen started the fire herself as a suicide (but making sure that no-one died other than her) - is that right?

I'm a big continuity nut so I liked the one-euro coin carrying over between stories.

Good use of the setting as more than an anonymous backdrop, as well, and integrating it into the story. While Paris did seem a little like namechecking landmarks (that Elio didn't go over the exact location of the rendezvous with her prior to the operation seemed more contrived than an unfortunate slip-up, but don't worry about that - I'm happy with a little dramatic flexibility to give Marisa the excuse to have her adventure), I could practically taste the dinner scene myself.

One general criticism that I have to make is an overabundance of exclamation marks. While they're fine - expected, even - when enunciating speech and thought, I don't really like them in descriptive text. It comes across as very noisy and... excitable even, as though the narrator is a hyperactive kid hopping around, grabbing my head to thrust it at the page and say "Look! Look! This is so exciting!". If it is exciting, the text will speak for itself, and having all the exclamation marks insist it for me is offputting. As it's a stylistic question you'll probably be able to find just as many people who do like exclamation marks, but for my personal part I didn't.

Overall, then, while I'd raise niggles in a few places both stories were thoughtful, entertaining, and strong all-round. I'm definitely interested in seeing where E&M go next.

Professor Voodoo wrote:
I really thought somebody would pan me over the "1/4 conditioning" issue I came up with. It could certianly be construed as blatant "Mary Sue-ism."

Honestly I think you were alright with that one since you gave a plausible reason for it and plausible side-effects. If it had been a case of "she is 1/4 conditioned and everything was fine and dandy" then it might have been more of an issue.


Anyways, really enjoyable comedic chapter. Nice to see Henrietta and Marisa's fued cleared up. To me that clearing up happened almost a little too fast. I mean, only that morning they were shooting at "each other" so I probably would have expected more in the way of standoffish-ness at the start of their conversation. However, I guess by the same token Henrietta was told to talk it out by Jose/Gusippe/Giuse and she does tend to at least try to follow his directions to the letter.

I find the way you've portrayed 'Etta interesting as well, she seems more up-beat, more forward if you will, than I remember her from the manga and anime. I guess in those she always struck me as a bit of a dull (being joked with rather than doing the joking) or worrisome girl.

"I met a normal boy once" offered Rico, "but then I shot him in the face."

Ahh Rico, ever the conversationalist


So I guess my next question is: they've had their punishment meeted out by the handlers... but how is Claes going to react to all this?

I've only read up to Ep. 64...are they actually fucking yet? If so, does Lorenzo know it?

We-ell, it's left ambiguous. I assume that they are myself, mainly because Alessandro definitely made love to Rossanna (when she joked that Alessandro fathered her daughter, it was credible enough for him to believe her for a heart-stopping moment) and the respective apartment scenes between A&R and A&P are pretty similar, leading to the implication that their relationships continue similarly, too.

Still, nothing's said outright - except for the kiss in the piano room, it's all discreet and off-panel - so you can take it either way, don't let it dictate your writing too much. You've read everything there is to read at the moment, so take from it what you want.

Shameless thread bump; the 4th Marisa story is posted...link at the top of the page.

Alfisti wrote:"Was too drunk to care" - isn't that about the point where someone suggests that having a go at walking it might be a good idea (in the best tradition of drunken "good" ideas)?

Sorry I missed that one earlier Alfisti. Yeah, I've had my share of those ideas. Hopefully Lorenzo & Elio are a bit too mature to be taking up an expedition like walking back to HQ drunk. Besides, they're both home already. Since his bar is up north in Monza, Elio lives at Lorenzo's house until he gets his own place in Rome. A running gag will be that he never moves out. As for the others, Alessandro can barely sit up straight, Petra will stay by Sandro's side, and Marisa has no desire to go back to the dorm (which she hates at this point in the story).

Professor Voodoo wrote: A running gag will be that he never moves out.

Hey, never too old to couch surf

Good chapter again, if a little disturbing at times... though I guess that was the point. The descriptions of the girls' refuge were excellent too. There's been a fair bit of media coverage given here of late to "wards of the state" and the sort of brutality that occured at state-run institutions. The descriptions seemed pretty in-line (or even a little tame) with what has been described in the newswapers. Enjoyed the epilouge/deleted scene as well, to be honest I think that probably worked better as an epilouge than it would have in the story itself.

I wonder if Vidya's going to become a reccurring character. I only say that because, to me at least, using the other doctor to explain Elio's past to her felt a little contrived unless there was some reason for it. I guess following her starting to take an interest in the SWA could make a good side story.

"She's a damn classic"... used that one more than once myself ("I swear you car spends more time on axel stands than on the road"... "It's a classic and it's Italian: it's supposed to do that".)

There was also a "Marisa" crept into the "Gwen" areas of the story, I think in "Mummy's Cross", third paragraph down

All that said: excellent stuff as always man, looking forward to the next chapter.

Alfisti wrote:"She's a damn classic"... used that one more than once myself ("I swear you car spends more time on axel stands than on the road"... "It's a classic and it's Italian: it's supposed to do that".)

You need to get one of those Knowles-Wilkins Engineering rebuilt Jaguar XJS' that James May reviewed in Episode 6, Series 4 of Top Gear. They rip out all the low-grade parts and replace them so you end up with a usable, enjoyable car versus the PoS he drove in the "2 door coupé for less than £1,500 that isn't a Porsche challenge" in Episode 2, Series 6.

But spending multiple hours lying on a skateboard, tinkering, swearing and skinning you knuckles is half the fun of classic ownership

Alfisti wrote:But spending multiple hours lying on a skateboard, tinkering, swearing and skinning you knuckles is half the fun of classic ownership

Michele will take your word for it, and continue to just cut a monthly check to Ferrari Classiche to keep his toys in working order.


As for the chapter, good one.

I think your decision to not show Colin's denouement was the right one. PV. Maybe have him die later, or as you say, let it go unsaid. Chances are he'll meet the Reaper sooner rather than later.

Alfisti wrote:
Hey, never too old to couch surf

Aww, give old Lorenzo some credit for being a good host...he has a few guest bedrooms.

Good chapter again, if a little disturbing at times... The descriptions seemed pretty in-line (or even a little tame) with what has been described in the newspapers.

You're right, I was going for disturbing brutality. I could have gone a lot farther, but that would have bogged the story down too much. It was already pretty long.

I wonder if Vidya's going to become a reccurring character.

Damn, am I that transparent? I have to work on my subtlety. Yes, Dr. Vidya Ashih will appear again...but that idea is very early in development.

There was also a "Marisa" crept into the "Gwen" areas of the story, I think in "Mummy's Cross", third paragraph down

I proof-read this thing 3 times and still missed that. Thanks...it's been fixed.

To take the first two sections in their entirety: good grief, Voodoo, you're not just kicking the puppy here: you're kicking it with a toe-blade, then as it's suffering, putting it into a sack with other wounded puppies and repeatedly dunking them into a pool of sewage before drying them out on hot coals, and then tipping them out into a pit full of starving necrophilic beastialists.

Some genuine gut-punches in those included Gwen's dread of "the AIDS" (maybe make it a standard word - "the Aids" - to show that she just knows it by the acronym, not what it stands for?), Gwen finding being dragged away by the strange police just as terrifying, the distressingly mundane "you're as good a bloke as any", and the cutaway to a Mediterranean summer - an empty building, but one unformed and with potential (unlike the dead ruin of Colin and Chloe's flat). Gwen getting flung through a window with no more than a few cuts and managing to hold onto the windowsil for hours did seem a bit of a tall order, but not beyond possibility - I doubt that those houses have thick double-glazing.

"I am out of the game Lorenzo, do you hear me, I am out!" *snerk, giggle* That's so adorable! It's really sweet that you think so, Elio; but sorry old boy, your type will always, always be up for "one last job..."

Gwen's responses to the environment of the children's home, from her love of Geography to Chloe's cross feeling like a mockery, seemed very believable and authentic. Maybe foster parents would have some knowledge of their prospective child's past and not be too offput by a bit of damage, but Gwen sabotaging the meeting wasn't impossible - maybe the home sanitises what they say to the applicants, and it's believable within the terms of the story.

Elio meeting an old colleague might have been seen as a little convenient, but it makes sense that the Agency's 'talent scouts' would have pasts as spooks, and you neatly subverted any cliché by having the reunion not be a reminder of past adventures, but his painkiller addiction...!

The unblinking eye flicking about the room is creepy.

As for Belisario and Ashish's spot of afternoon delight... bloody Italians! How do they make it look so damn easy?!?!

And after all of that grim gruelling desolation at the start, it's nice to have a happy ending, even if Marisa's not as meticulous as Henrietta when it comes to giftwrap.

I agree that it was best to cut Colin's death - it would have come at the wrong point in the story. Something like that closes off a tale, it's not a random incident that just happens to drop in your path along the way - no matter how insignificant Colin is in the grand scheme of things, it just wouldn't have felt right. Also, I'm sure that even international spies find it a wee bit more than a mild inconvenience to kill a mugger - even if the IRA is still lurking and waiting for an opportunity to raise hell, I don't think that Co. Limerick is such a hotbed of global intrigue that a body disposal team is in the Yellow Pages!

I loved it.

The cut scene would have been best at the end, instead of arriving at the airport and getting caught in the parking lot, getting caught in the parking lot cause punks like him would be looking for easy targets to hit (breaking a window and steal what he can inside and maybe a couple of unsuspecting rental drivers going home). It would have put a fitting end to the story.

But thats me.

Mistakes? I read it last weekend... what mistakes? LOL...

Robert Frazer wrote:To take the first two sections in their entirety: good grief, Voodoo, you're not just kicking the puppy here: you're kicking it with a toe-blade, then as it's suffering, putting it into a sack with other wounded puppies and repeatedly dunking them into a pool of sewage before drying them out on hot coals, and then tipping them out into a pit full of starving necrophilic beastialists.

I love that description Robert...glad to see your talent for descriptive narrative extends even to forum posts. I certianly could have gone harsher (a lot harsher) with the abuse elements, but I think I struck the balance alright. Reactions seem to be split, and that's what I was going for.

Some genuine gut-punches in those included Gwen's dread of "the AIDS"

Lacking any kind of education, Gwendolyn has no idea what AIDS is, but fears it. At one point she thinks her mother can catch it and be dead in one night. It's a device to show how naive & ignorant of the outside world she is.

cutaway to a Mediterranean summer - an empty building, but one unformed and with potential

My intent was to have the building symbolize Elio's life at that point. He became a viscious tough-guy because of his absent father, and now since that portion of his life is complete (he thinks) he is once again faced with an empty building (life) and no idea what to do with it. His father has left him with as little guidence on how to run a bar as he did on how to grow up.

Gwen getting flung through a window with no more than a few cuts and managing to hold onto the windowsil for hours did seem a bit of a tall order,

I thought the story started out kind of clumsy...I needed a dramatic scene to establish the tone and get things started. This is also the point at which she first considers suicide, which establishes that she knows she has it bad.

Maybe foster parents would have some knowledge of their prospective child's past and not be too offput by a bit of damage, but Gwen sabotaging the meeting wasn't impossible

Another spot where I felt a bit clumsy. That scene should have longer, but I had to move the story ahead.

Elio meeting an old colleague might have been seen as a little convenient,

The purpose of Dr. Russell Fagan is twofold. The only way he'll ever appear again is in the flashback to what really happened in Cyprus. I keep dropping hints about Elio's old nick-name (which he never liked) The Godfather, which will become an issue later. More importantly he is a foil for Dr. Vidya Ashish...who will also pop up in a later tale (maybe involving Agapitha...still working on that).

The unblinking eye flicking about the room is creepy.

I almost cut that part...I thought it was a little over-cooked. I guess it's good that I didn't.

And after all of that grim gruelling desolation at the start, it's nice to have a happy ending, even if Marisa's not as meticulous as Henrietta when it comes to giftwrap.

Originally I was going to end the story with Marisa waking up and asking for one bullet, crypticly implying that conditioning did not wipe out her desire for suicide. That was too grim...I'm glad I wrote the "happy ending" instead. Of course the gift-wrap is a direct comparison with Henrietta. Mari desires to be demure and lady-like, but is way too much of an exuberant tomboy.
The final lines are also a direct copy of the opening ones.

I'm sure that even international spies find it a wee bit more than a mild inconvenience to kill a mugger - even if the IRA is still lurking and waiting for an opportunity to raise hell, I don't think that Co. Limerick is such a hotbed of global intrigue that a body disposal team is in the Yellow Pages!

Actually that scene happens in Dubin. Elio & the Doctor arrived in Limerick the evening before and had to take a commuter flight across the country in the morning. I based that on flight times into both airports I looked up online. As for an MI-6 office in The Republic of Ireland, I'm sure no such thing officially exists.

Episodes 5,6 & 7 are all at various stages of completion, but #5 is a disorganized mess that needs some serious editing & rewriting. I wouldn't want any reader to get sick from an overdose of pronouns.

Originally I was going to end the story with Marisa waking up and asking for one bullet, crypticly implying that conditioning did not wipe out her desire for suicide. That was too grim...I'm glad I wrote the "happy ending" instead.

I'd agree entirely. If I can just go on a tangent for a moment while it's at the front of my mind, it really ties into the whole way in which I approach GSG.

I think that really, happy - or at least bittersweet - endings are closer to GSG's true nature and character than the dismal ones. One of GSG's strengths is that it isn't dreary and mawkish about the girls' conditions - it could spend entire chapters mooning about misery, but you can only take so much of that before the tragedy is so wrung out it becomes some listless parody of itself. There's appalling tragedy in all of the girls' lives, certainly, but a cyborg's story is ultimately a positive and optimistic one of pushing beyond disaster to find life and love, care and contentment, and reaffirming that necessary hope that there's a spark of solace to offer a little light to banish the darkest despairs. There are many sorts of stories about people being exploited by governments, by Yu's genius was precisely to avoid the casual mundane cynicism which stains all of those other works - what makes GSG unique is that the girls are really the antithesis of cynicism (but consciously and deliberately so, they're not just summer blockbuster action heroines where questions of optimisim and pessimism don't matter), their lives aren't sour and dour. Unremitting suffering and cascading tragedy has its place, but to focus on it to the exclusion of all else would be missing the point - that's the reading I take from it anyway.

Robert Frazer wrote:
I think that really, happy - or at least bittersweet - endings are closer to GSG's true nature and character than the dismal ones.....that's the reading I take from it anyway.

I'd have to agree with you Robert, and expound on it by saying that it's not just the girls who embody what you're talking about. Every character in the story is carrying around some painful burden. The vendetta pursued by the Croce brothers, Marco being rejected by the work he loves, Hillshire's idealism being shattered by a harsh world, Alessandro's abandonment by Rosanna, the list could go on to cover almost everyone. They have all come together to form something resembling a normal life, and a community, centered around the girls.
Even the villains are not one-dimensional. They too carry personal pain, but show their humanity by making connections with one another.

Well, for what it's worth, my next episode (#5) is posted...link at the top.

...I don't think I'm even going to ask how Das Uber-Kombi made it to Palestine, but it does make me happy to see it there (and J+M for that matter)

Spoiler:

Glad to see the chapter up, a bit of GSG fan-fiction was exactly what I felt like after spending nine hours in the warm embrace of Jetstar's economy-class. This and RF's latest hit the spot. Will have another read through with an eye to giving some proper crit tomorrow once I'm capable of putting two and two together and coming up with something vaugly four-ish.

Alfisti wrote:...I don't think I'm even going to ask how Das Uber-Kombi made it to Palestine,

When I saw that video you posted I knew I had to work it into a story.

Spoiler:

Glad you enjoyed the episode, I think I kind of did a sloppy job on the second half though.

*Pulls out his Soviet published volumes of Marx and Engels essays

Yes! The kitchen Proletariat shall rise up and overthow its bourgeoisie oppressors! And shall issue in a new and golden age for the workers of the world!

I did enjoy your description of the SWA kitchens, 'cause it's pretty much bang on. Yes the chefs save the best for themselves (which is why I prefer working nights)... and why is it that the janitor always has the interesting past, even in real life?

Spoiler:

Looking forward to the next chapter.

Spoiler:

Alfisti wrote:Looking forward to the next chapter.

Okay...wish granted. Episode 6: Battle Damage

*Caution*
This episode includes meanness to Henrietta and a reference to Elio's balls...thankfully not in the same section. Monty is also mentioned again.

Good stuff!

Kara: "Sorry, Michele. I forgot to duck."

Kiskaloo wrote:
Kara: "Sorry, Michele. I forgot to duck."

Michele: (slurred) That's okay, kid...you got shot, but Bianchi hooked me up with these great tranquilizers. I feel incredible.

Kara: (hopefully) Sooo, would now be a good time to discuss that Alfa 147 GTA?

Michele: Why the hell not!? Alfa Romeo's for everybody! (passes out, drooling)

Actually Kara would be angling for a Zonda Roadster - "It even shares your last name!"

Plus even on narcotics, Michele loves Kara too much to foist an Alfa on her.

Kiskaloo wrote:
Plus even on narcotics, Michele loves Kara too much to foist an Alfa on her.

Oooh, snap... As a lifelong Alfa man I'm going to have to find something particularly unkind to do to you for that remark.

Alfisti wrote:

Kiskaloo wrote:Plus even on narcotics, Michele loves Kara too much to foist an Alfa on her.

Oooh, snap... As a lifelong Alfa man I'm going to have to find something particularly unkind to do to you for that remark.

Oh Michele loves Alfas. He's owned a 1977 Alfasud Sprint coupe and then a GTV V6 and you can be sure he has one of the 500 8C's made when 2008 rolls around.

But as he told Caterina/Franca: "An Alfa is a penance you take on of your own free will, not one imposed on you by another."

Kiskaloo wrote:
But as he told Caterina/Franca: "An Alfa is a penance you take on of your own free will, not one imposed on you by another."

I may have to steal that line at some point... it's just so true

Ah, now I see, unfortunately I'm not as far through your writing as I'd like to be, there is, umm... rather a lot of it

Alfisti wrote:

Kiskaloo wrote:
But as he told Caterina/Franca: "An Alfa is a penance you take on of your own free will, not one imposed on you by another."

I may have to steal that line at some point... it's just so true

With my complements.

And Kara does want to become a "proper petrolhead" so she keeps pestering Michele to buy her an Alfa.

As usual your character interactions are the highpoints for me...

Spoiler:

As usual, looking forward to the next one.

Alfisti- I have never considered what you had said about the use of one native tongue and such terms they may have gotten used during their life time. Thanks for pointing it out.

Voodoo- besides that, I think its great. Keep it up.

Alfisti wrote:As usual your character interactions are the highpoints for me...

Thank you. I know dialogue is my strong point, I'm really trying to develop my narrative prose. Whenever I read Robert Frazer's stuff I come away feeling like a babbling idiot.

Spoiler:

As usual, looking forward to the next one.

Coming soon...I'm really in a good writing mood right now...

Professor Voodoo wrote:The way I imagine the obstacle course (which doesn't even appear in canon, does it?) the girls love running single laps at full speed and competing for fastest times, but hate it when their handlers instruct them to make long distance endurance runs. Some handlers even use that as a discipline method.

We see a tiny bit of it in Volume 5 with Claes running it. There is one of those tall wooden walls you have to clamber over and she's running along a narrow plank.

I don't describe it in any detail in Basic Training or "Kara 2.0", instead noting it was "designed to test and calibrate (Kara's) balance, coordination, speed, reflexes, strength, endurance and stamina. Since the girl’s bodies were predominately artificial, for them physical exercise and training were not really meant to enhance or maintain their physical fitness and health. Instead, they were designed to test their implants and augmentation to ensure all were operating normally and the exercises were overseen by a member of the medical group."

I also figure there is a track of around 400m circumference where the girls can run around, though Marco had Angelica run around the compound.

Kiskaloo wrote:
I also figure there is a track of around 400m circumference where the girls can run around, though Marco had Angelica run around the compound.

If there is such a track I visualize it as a rudimentary dry circuit of dust & rocks, such as you might find at a remote training range, rather than an imaculate modern "Olympic" style facility.

As far as the obstacle course...yes, I see Claes running it it in ch.6, how did I forget one of my favorite episodes, art-wise? We only see a tiny fraction of it here, I would imagine any course built to challenge cyborgs would be daunting by human standards.

Professor Voodoo wrote:If there is such a track I visualize it as a rudimentary dry circuit of dust & rocks, such as you might find at a remote training range, rather than an imaculate modern "Olympic" style facility.

I tended to think it would be like a high school track - "improved" but not immaculate. I figure the girls must practice hurdles and other track and field events to train to perform their crazy-ass feats. Especially since they train in civilian clothes and footwear, so if it was just dirt and rock, they'd probably always be in the shop for post-tripping repairs.

As far as the obstacle course...yes, I see Claes running it it in ch.6, how did I forget one of my favorite episodes, art-wise? We only see a tiny fraction of it here, I would imagine any course built to challenge cyborgs would be daunting by human standards.

Indeed. I figure it's designed around World and Olympic Records.

Kiskaloo wrote:
I tended to think it would be like a high school track....since they train in civilian clothes and footwear, so if it was just dirt and rock, they'd probably always be in the shop for post-tripping repairs.

My high school track was made of dirt and rock! Crushed pumice to be exact.

Obstacle course....I figure it's designed around World and Olympic Records.

That's actually a great idea for setting the design standard.

Professor Voodoo wrote:

Kiskaloo wrote:Obstacle course....I figure it's designed around World and Olympic Records.

That's actually a great idea for setting the design standard.

I figure the girls would win Gold in every event and probably re-set the World Record while doing it, so anything less probably would not challenge them.

Kiskaloo wrote:
I figure the girls would win Gold in every event and probably re-set the World Record while doing it, so anything less probably would not challenge them.

Cyborg Olympics? Given the real-world advances in prosthetics for handicapped athletes we might easily see it within our own lifetimes. I'd love to see what Kara could get done in an F1 car...although that is a totally improbable scenario. However, have you ever heard of the Michelin Driver Experience? Michele certianly has the cash...

As far as the individual cyborgs strategies for tackling the obstacle course go I imagined it like this;

Monty of course holds an unassailable record through the use of her Parkour free-running skills, no contest.
Triela powers through the whole course, pushing herself over the obstacles with sheer determination and but not much grace. It's a "just try harder" attitude. Being a Generation 1 cyborg also helps.
Petrushka has the reach and the jumping ability to rival Triela in spite of her weaker Gen 2 body. Her laps are much more graceful and entertaining to watch.
Tom-boyish Marisa takes the Triela approach, but lacks the older cyborg's physical power. Nobody is faster than her at the belly-crawl under wires though. She has the advantage of Henrietta or Rico's small size, without 'Etta's distaste for getting dirty.
Robert Frazer's Agapitha complains about going to the course, then puts in a few half-ass laps before sneaking off when she notices her handler Avise isn't paying attention. She spends the afternoon in the shade listening to her mp3 player and wins a default victory by getting to the chow-hall for dinner before everyone else.

I'll leave Kara up to you, but I assume she's not going near that course until somebody inspects all the obstacles for spiders.

Professor Voodoo wrote:I'd love to see what Kara could get done in an F1 car...although that is a totally improbable scenario. However, have you ever heard of the Michelin Driver Experience? Michele certainly has the cash...

During the Monaco downtime after the Geneva mission (Chapter 11 of Yume no Kakera), Michele took Claes deep sea fishing. While they were out on the boat, Kara was tearing around the Circuit du Var in a Jordan EJ11 Formula One car courtesy of AGE Formule 1.

In Pactio ("Kara 2.0"), Michele owns a 1990 Ferrari 641/2 driven by Alain Prost, which he keeps at Ferrari's F1 Cliente Workshop. Not sure if Kara will find out about that one...

As far as the individual cyborgs strategies for tackling the obstacle course go I imagined it like this...

I'll leave Kara up to you, but I assume she's not going near that course until somebody inspects all the obstacles for spiders.

Damn straight!

Some thoughts on "One Long Day":

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Yow, Avise is going to have to set up a hidden camera to make sure that the no-one's sidling over to spit in his food. He resents lefties and would love to go back in time and punch Friedrich Engels very hard in the face! On a different tack, I think you did well in conveying the caterers as their own small tight-knit and loyal family in the way that they welcomed the diligent Marisa into the fold: the way her helpfulness and industry turns a punishment into a reward - once the work is done, it's all sins forgiven and smiles again. The entire section reminds me of the cook occasionally popping up at odd moments in Das Boot - the foodies are so often anonymous, but we mustn't forget that before tanks, mortars, and missiles, armies march on their stomachs!

Having the bomb squad being able to replicate dance routines seems very appropriate - I find following the dances in my Gilbert & Sullivan plays hard enough as it is, and when I see professional dancers on a stage or even in an old musical flick, the precision of the choreography is eye-watering.... but would it be a bit off-colour to say that they would do well at a Chuck-E-Cheese?

"but it seemed like more fun to cut the cake with Triela's bayonet" - heh, it reminds me of Henrietta practising her sewing while Rico's cleaning a pistol.

Ammonia spray? Crikey, binary girls certainly don't do things by halves.

Ramsey's backstory was interesting, and heartwarming in a way - it reminds me of groundskeepers who are still maintaining Commonwealth war graves even after the withdrawal of empire and all the wars and insurrections that have followed since then.

I've always tended to picture Ferro as being more of a clipped and severe ice queen than your relatively relaxed version, but then again she's only ever had a small role so that's not much to base a personality on, and really any characterisation can be applied. Elio is convincing with the awkward way he takes everything to an extreme (seeing delivering a message as a 'panty raid'). Marisa's doting "he is the best spy in the world" was a nicely understated reminder of the way that fratellos relate.

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I have to get going now, I'm afraid, but I'll write up the rest later this evening.

Robert Frazer wrote:
Yow, Avise is going to have to set up a hidden camera to make sure that the no-one's sidling over to spit in his food. He resents lefties and would love to go back in time and punch Friedrich Engels very hard in the face!

Hmmm, Avise & Elio are just going to have to tip-toe around the topic of politics when they finally meet (I have a speaking cameo for Avise in ep. #8). Being the son of a single working mother, and having been treated as a "foreigner" all through his childhood, Elio falls decidely to the left of most arguments. In debate he is more likely to quote Charles Dickens than Marx or Engles.

The entire section reminds me of the cook occasionally popping up at odd moments in Das Boot - the foodies are so often anonymous, but we mustn't forget that before tanks, mortars, and missiles, armies march on their stomachs!

On the topic of food: Appealing to the audiences physical senses are a good way to set the mood of any scene, and taste is a powerful and oft forgotten one. Some authors like to describe every detail of their character's clothing (My Immortal...legendary for it's epic badness), but I don't do that unless it's important to the story. I never miss the opportunity to mention what the character is eating though.

but would it be a bit off-colour to say that they would do well at a Chuck-E-Cheese?

Chuck-E-Cheese, has that cancer spread to the UK? On behalf of the former Colonies, sorry about that. I don't even think Jean would be cruel enough to interrogate Padania captives with such horror. Wouldn't Rico love it though?
That begs the question...if the SWA cyborgs ever do have to inflitrate that sinister den of tormented screeching, do they do so as customers or as the mechanical entertainment?

"but it seemed like more fun to cut the cake with Triela's bayonet" - heh, it reminds me of Henrietta practising her sewing while Rico's cleaning a pistol.

I guess I imagine the SWA dorm as a more strictly controlled place than others do. In my stories there is an official "lights out" time, unannounced quarters inspections, and certian items are not allowed. The arrival of Marisa's cake sets off an unsanctioned party that just snowballs into an innocent exercise in cyborg rebellion.

Ammonia spray? Crikey, binary girls certainly don't do things by halves.

I was feeling lazy, and didn't feel like researching brands of glass cleaner available in Italy. Ammonia works good on everything though, and newspaper cleans glass without streaking. I guess I should have said this stuff in Cherubino's "household chores" thread last night.

Ramsey's backstory was interesting, and heartwarming in a way.

Mr. Ramsey's prodigal son will play a small part in the grand story arc, but not for a long time

I've always tended to picture Ferro as being more of a clipped and severe ice queen.

Maybe, but in my estimation she's the hottest of the SWA ladies.
Regarding Ferro & Elio; as I said earlier...One of Elio's quirks is that he gets along with the "jerks" like Jean, Belisario and Ferro better than the usual heroes of the story like Jose, Hillshire & Bianchi. Ferro gets to show a little humor in my episode #7 (still working on it).

Elio is convincing with the awkward way he takes everything to an extreme (seeing delivering a message as a 'panty raid').

Another foible of Elio is that he has a massive double standard when it comes to kids vs. adults. Off duty he loves the whores, but back on compound he's so prudish he won't even talk to Triela until she puts what he considers a decent amount of clothes on. Poor Marisa still has no accurate knowledge of the "facts of life," and as long as Elio has it his way she never will.

Spoiler:

Thanks for the observations...I'd better get to work on my Ep. 7 now.

Robert Frazer wrote:I've always tended to picture Ferro as being more of a clipped and severe ice queen than your relatively relaxed version...

Professor Voodoo wrote:Maybe, but in my estimation she's the hottest of the SWA ladies.

I've been guilty of portraying her as a consummate professional, as well, so it's refreshing to see her in less "stiff" style. Though I had her lighten up a little in Charity Begins At Home.

Episode 7 is posted, details at the top of the page.

Frankly, Petrushka and Triela are the two most obvious choices to attend a U2 concert. Even though they are all likely too young to be fans, at least those two can pull off being in their late teens.

And Henrietta does seem to be at times a borderline basket case. I'm really surprised Jean hasn't brow-beat Jose into upping her conditioning to try and make her more stable.

"That kid thinks the reason you get two forks in a classy restaurant is so you can eat twice as fast."

Brilliant. I always figured the girls were chowhounds who needed shedloads of food to provide the energy to power their bodies.

Nice touch with the Serie A stuff. Next to God and a good meal, I think soccer is closest to an Italian's heart and I notice many of us take note of that in our fics.

Nice endings, too.

Kiskaloo wrote:

Robert Frazer wrote:I've always tended to picture Ferro as being more of a clipped and severe ice queen than your relatively relaxed version...

Professor Voodoo wrote:Maybe, but in my estimation she's the hottest of the SWA ladies.

I've been guilty of portraying her as a consummate professional, as well, so it's refreshing to see her in less "stiff" style. Though I had her lighten up a little in Charity Begins At Home.

Ferro is a consummate professional when on the job. But she is something totally different on the personal level. That is why Henrietta admitted to being scared by her during an interview with Dr. Bianchi, which he called Ferro "devoted to job" and "on her days off she's in the kitchen cooking and humming to her cat." (GsG V2, CH10- The Pasta Prince Part 1). I do remember a couple of scans and even the anime sub being little more descriptive with their words on this though. On her time off, (on V10, I believe) when the others get together after the news), though concerned about the events, she seems more relaxed than normal when she is out of her suit/uniform.

Kiskaloo wrote: Frankly, Petrushka and Triela are the two most obvious choices to attend a U2 concert. Even though they are all likely too young to be fans, at least those two can pull off being in their late teens.

I admit, my choice of U2 is awkward...most of their fans are our age or older. I chose them because they're political enough to make a terrorist threat plausible, and I'm too lazy to research any modern bands.

The part about Triela going overboard and having, in Hillshire's opinion, "a bit too much fun" was one of my favorite parts to write. What did she do to get into trouble? I leave that to the reader's imagination...

Henrietta does seem to be at times a borderline basket case. I'm really surprised Jean hasn't brow-beat Jose into upping her conditioning to try and make her more stable.

I think Giuse is pretty much immune to his brother's crap...they've been living together all their lives. The anime seems to suggest that they still share a house.

"That kid thinks the reason you get two forks in a classy restaurant is so you can eat twice as fast."
Brilliant. I always figured the girls were chowhounds who needed shedloads of food to provide the energy to power their bodies.

You touched on that when Kara brings a box of Japanese chocolate cookies to the outdoor range.
Marisa pushes that to the comical extreme, but only due to the sad circumstance of her Gen 2 "memory shadows." I'm playing up the bittersweet again here. Since she spent her pre-cyborg life in a state of constant starvation her subconscious is making up for it. To a lesser extent I think Petrushka displays the same trait because she denied herself as a ballet student.
I took inspiration for that from a Jack London story that I can't remember the name of.

Nice touch with the Serie A stuff. Next to God and a good meal, I think soccer is closest to an Italian's heart and I notice many of us take note of that in our fics.

I'll admit I had to do some research on Italian teams to fill out that scene...I'm not as well versed in international football as I'd like to be. I played in a town league up through my childhood, and played on my High School team long enough to take my H.S. letter, but I dropped it soon thereafter.
Motorsports are the only sports I study inside & out with rabid zeal.

Nice endings, too.

You don't think Priscilla finding the watch was too sappy? I almost cut that.

ElfenMagix wrote:
Ferro is a consummate professional when on the job. But she is something totally different on the personal level. That is why Henrietta admitted to being scared by her during an interview with Dr. Bianchi,

My intent in presenting Ferro like this was not to copy the canon portrayal, but to show the effect Elio has on her.

A real life obsevation about human nature is that certain people will become serious and rise to the responsibility of command in a vacuum...I see it all the time. Ferro is surrounded by screw-offs like Georgio, Amadeo and Priscilla, so she takes the reins by nature, and has to act like a bitch to get things done. When Elio, a man old enough to be her father, is around, she unconsciously defers authority a bit and as a result loosens up.
Since Ferro is way above a 10 year old in the authoritative pecking order Henrietta only gets to see her "in charge" personality, which would scare anybody.

Claes on her top bunk, reading (this time it was a book on plumbing repair)

I have visions of Claes, whenever she's not having Buicks flung at her by hydraulic ram in the testing lab, being used variously as janitor, handyman and office tea lady by the rest of the Agency...

Triela softly cooed, "...your friends can't help you if you don't tell us what is the matter." She stroked the younger girl's hair, and rubbed her back.

D'awwwww, it's great to have a big sis.

Bad move. "There's a problem with Giuse's heart!?" shrieked Henrietta. Triela slapped her own forehead in frustration.

Whuh-oh! Think fast, frog-girl!

Just take the chair where Hannibal is sitting." Mari put down her pistol to move the teddy bear but just before she touched its artificial fur Triela shouted "Careful!" Marisa froze. "He bites!"

I like the touch of Triela's classical bears, it's nice attention to detail.

The Social Welfare Agency was made up of ex-spies, ex-cops, and juvenile girls, all hungry for information, which made it one of the greatest gossip mills the world had ever witnessed.

I like this paragraph immensely. The nature of the event seems very authentic (although death threats for that sort of statement seem a little like moustache-twirling sort of pantomime villainy, I suppose extremists ought to be extreme), and the personal passions of office politics can be just as enthralling as the great constitutional and international intrigues.

She would be taking Claes along on a job to tap wires & intercept Padania communications traffic in Naples. Cool, maybe we'll get to do some shopping!

...and she'll be disappointed when all Claes wants to do is tramp around the garden centre and admire this season's selection of hand-trowels.

"As you see, she's not researching modern music at all...most of these bands are from the 1960's & '70's. I mean...how many 11-year olds know who Warren Zevon is?"

This is a nice little scene as well. I think that it's very true to GSG's character, where the general life of the girls has as big a role as the action.

She was losing control of her breathing regularity, so he put his arms around the girl and squeezed her, then released, over & over, slowly & rhythmically, giving her the cues to get her own respiration under control. Slowly, Marisa came back...when her breaths were again slow and steady Elio pulled a bottle of water from his back pocket and poured it over her hands. That was the final step...as Mari's anxiety attacks went this had been a mild one.

This is another great and compelling event, to see a handler, well, actually handling! It also speaks volumes about Elio himself - I don't doubt that most people when confronted with a cyborg about to have a fit would want to get the f**k out of Dodge, not stay within arm's reach...!

Usually a long ride on the back of Elio's Ducati ST4S was a thrilling experience for his girl...

This paragraph's a nice bit of colour.

Contrasted against the plain-looking students she felt like a celebrity.

Girls do like to sparkle...

dragging her expensive SIDI racing boots in the gravel.

After all of the detail put into the high-end nature ride and the reaction of its arrival, the scuffing of the boots here is a nice contrast to show Marisa's declining state.

Literally, she was like a child going off to her first day of school, with the added complication of an unpredictable nun-phobia

Again, it's good to frame the cyborgs in terms of their girlhood.

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Argh, I'm going to have to leave it at that again, sorry. I'll pick it up again when I next get a few hours free.

"A deeply disturbing image of the stoic policewoman in a little plaid jumper & knee socks crossed his mind."

Now that Ferro's won a bet... can she lose a bet too? Either way, I like your little bits of "non-work" Ferro. She was always my favorite of the SWA support staff. Maybe it's because she doesn't feel that she's having to drag Elio up by his bootstraps that she can loosen up around him, just a thought.

Great chapter though. Mari's definately starting to show more of her tomboy side, which is cool. I get the feeling that as you've been writing you're also getting a more solid hold on the characters themselves, as well as they're developing.

I liked how Mari starts to get carried away in her own popularity, because it's exactly what you do at that age.

Oh, and her taste in music may not be up-to-date, but it is oddly cool. She and Monty are going to need to exchange notes at some point

The little bit about Priscilla at the end also seemed quite in character for her.