The Book of Claes

In a recent chat session it was firmly assumed that the one person that never gets to hear the word, "No", is in fact Claes.

In jest, the chat participants began to write passages for "The Book of Claes".

Here you may evaluate, criticize, and especially add your own.

"The Book of Claes. Chapter 12, Verse 7 - And lo, Claes set up a hack into the CCTV system and with it she extorted much money from the other cyborgs."

"The Book of Claes. Chapter 13, Verse 9 - She executed her program and the firewalls came tumbing down"

"The Book of Claes. Chapter 17, Verse 2 - And on the seventh reboot, Claes created TrielaPix.com. And it was good."

"The Book of Claes. Chapter 13, Verse 6. - And she will be wearing a pale dress and her name will be Claes."


"The Book of Claes. Chapter 3, Verse 5. - And in her apron was 2 guns and 5 magazines of 9mm rounds, and she waved her hand over them and started handing weapons to the rest of the girls..."

I don't get it...

Nachtsider wrote:I don't get it...

It all started after a mention of zombies and bathtub alcohol.

I mentioned (see new signature) and the rest just fell into place.

The Book of Claes, Chapter 3, Verse 16: "She whupped your ass."


The Book of Claes, Chapter 12, Verse 19-21: "Beloved, never avenge ourselves, but leave it to the wrath of Claes, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says Claes.” In addition, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him lead; if he is thirsty, give him something poisoned to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with firepower.

[Historian's Note: Italics in 12:19-21 are historically ascribed to be authored by Pope Raballo before his assassination instigated by Pope (Anti-Pope at the time) Jean Croce.]

"The Book of Claes. Chapter 2, Verse 25. - And she smiteth the Jessibelle Petrushka, saying "Let My Glasses Go!" "

Sheo Darren wrote:The Book of Claes, Chapter 3, Verse 16: "She whupped your ass."


The Book of Claes, Chapter 12, Verse 19-21: "Beloved, never avenge ourselves, but leave it to the wrath of Claes, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says Claes.” In addition, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him lead; if he is thirsty, give him something poisoned to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with firepower.

[Historian's Note: Italics in 12:19-21 are historically ascribed to be authored by Pope Raballo before his assassination instigated by Pope (Anti-Pope at the time) Jean Croce.]

Oh,God...I love this one!!!

hey,about the confession,anyone?

The Book of Claes, Chapter 4 Verses 20-22: Her fist will make those without desire to live think otherwise. The maiden Angelica seen thy ways of Claes through a fist to thy face. "One with no willpower wastes my time," says Claes.

The Book of Claes, Chapter 2, Verses 22-24: Only ye holy glasses can be worn by Claes. "Corruption of ye holy glasses is punishable by ass-whooping," says Claes. Such corruption by the Jezebelle Petrushka left her to the wrath of Claes.

The Book of Claes Chapter 1 Verses 1-5: "In the beginning was the Glasses, and the Glasses was with Claes, and the Glasses was Claes. The same was in the beginning with Claes. All things were made by her; and without her was not any thing made that was made. In her was the Glasses; and the Glasses was the light of men. And the Glasses shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not."

[Linguist's Note: The word darkness in this text has been subjected to various interpretations over the years. The original interpretation is Petrushka or Petra, traditionally posed as the enemy opposed to Claes. Other have included Pope/Anti-Pope Jean the Anti-Claes, Padania, Triela (though a weak case; see Triela) and even Chuck Norris. For purposes of convenience, we will use the Petra interpretation, this version being the first and most reliable.]


The Book of Claes Chapter 1 Verse 6-8: "There was a man sent from Claes, whose name was Raballo. The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Glasses, that all men through him might believe. He was not that Glasses, but was sent to bear witness of that Glasses."

Sheo Darren wrote:The Book of Claes Chapter 1 Verses 1-5: "In the beginning was the Glasses, and the Glasses was with Claes, and the Glasses was Claes. The same was in the beginning with Claes. All things were made by her; and without her was not any thing made that was made. In her was the Glasses; and the Glasses was the light of men. And the Glasses shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not."

[Linguist's Note: The word darkness in this text has been subjected to various interpretations over the years. The original interpretation is Petrushka or Petra, traditionally posed as the enemy opposed to Claes. Other have included Pope/Anti-Pope Jean the Anti-Claes, Padania, Triela (though a weak case; see Triela) and even Chuck Norris. For purposes of convenience, we will use the Petra interpretation, this version being the first and most reliable.]


The Book of Claes Chapter 1 Verse 6-8: "There was a man sent from Claes, whose name was Raballo. The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Glasses, that all men through him might believe. He was not that Glasses, but was sent to bear witness of that Glasses."

Those sound like Monthy Python over exageration of the sublect.....

The Book of Claes Chapter 5 Verses 1-2:
And Rabello took Claes to the blessed lakes where she would be baptized in the way of Rod and Fish. And there she said onto him "I will be your knee." and he told her "Kock It Off!"

And for many days and many nights Rabello taught her things at the blessed lakes that would differ from the compound, and she learned. And it was all good.

Don't really have anything to contribute (yet!!) but I just wanted to say that stuff like this is why I love this board.

Awsome job guys

The Book of The Agency 1:1
[1] In the beginning ANGELICA created the heavens and the earth. [2] The earth was formless and empty to Her, and darkness covered Her eyes. [3] Then ANGELICA opened Her eyes saying, “Let them eat lead,” and there was much lead. [4] And ANGELICA saw that the lead was good, and powerful, causing Death even unto half the medical team and She said "Oops! Sorry!". Then She separated the light from the darkness. [5] ANGELICA called the light “Social Welfare Agency” and the darkness “Padania”
And evening passed and morning came, marking the first day.


I guess I'm an Old Testament kinda guy. And Claes? She's not the Messiah, she's a Very Naughty Girl!

Claes 6:34
And Claes spake unto Henrietta "Let there be a garden, though I know not what gave me that idea, we have little else to occupy our hours."
"Are you lonely in your solitude?" said Henrietta unto her, "For if I were to be parted from Giuseppe verily I should whither and die." And Claes turned upon Henrietta her wrath and bid her to shut her trap, for her idle words had become an annoyance.

Claes 8:63
In the days of winter Triela did come upon Claes in the garden of her construction and praised her work, though neither knew the foolishness of setting concrete in winter.
Verily Claes said unto Triela "Our pilgrimage to look upon the heavens is in peril, for Giuseppe is bound in paperwork."
"How dost this become my problem?" Triela did groan, in great frustration.
"For this is the labor of Henrietta and thee, and ye know that the heart of Henrietta is bound in foolishness, so she shall be of little help."
"Forsooth, you speak truly" Triela did say unto her, and she did knead her brow in vexation.

Professor Voodoo wrote:Claes 8:63
kneed her brow

Painful! Surely a gentle slap would have been sufficient?

Edit: Ah! I see. Yes, that makes more sense I suppose but I rather liked the element of random violence implied! These are gunslinger girls after all

mistersaxon wrote:

Professor Voodoo wrote:Claes 8:63
kneed her brow

Painful! Surely a gentle slap would have been sufficient?

Aagh! You caught me in a spelling fail.
kneed=knead
It's fixed, thanks.

Book of Claes 12:23:
And the Angel Captain Reballo had came down from the administrative offices and dressed Claes in a fine dress. And he said onto her, "if you can not take care of a couple of subway punks, then you can not do the real thing." And Claes said, "I will do my best for you!"

Book of Claes 12:28
And Claes returned with two dead bodies in tow, and a knife to her belly, and she thought she did good. But the Angel Captain Rabello said, "You Idiot!"

Sheo Darren wrote:The Book of Claes, Chapter 3, Verse 16: "She whupped your ass."


The Book of Claes, Chapter 12, Verse 19-21: "Beloved, never avenge ourselves, but leave it to the wrath of Claes, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says Claes.” In addition, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him lead; if he is thirsty, give him something poisoned to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with firepower.

[Historian's Note: Italics in 12:19-21 are historically ascribed to be authored by Pope Raballo before his assassination instigated by Pope (Anti-Pope at the time) Jean Croce.]

This is hilarious, and right on! I think Claes is the girl I would be most afraid to have as an enemy.

Ok, now I got one:
Claes taught us, saying, "We are born to be burned. Let us then spend our lives in contemplation."