HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
+3
ElfenMagix
Nachtsider
sdp2501
7 posters
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HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
rico lay still... the jaws of two copses still wrapped around her neck and wrist. she pushed them off and opened her eyes, as soon as she did a wave of agony swept through her bodie... she used her left hand to brush the dust and flesh from her tshirt and shorts, she lowered her head ashamed and embarised at the wet patch between her legs.
"not mutch left we can do about that rico," she looked behind her to see ryu, kiyra and.henrietta stood behind her. she relaxed and felt ryu cradeling her in his arms.
"not mutch left we can do about that rico," she looked behind her to see ryu, kiyra and.henrietta stood behind her. she relaxed and felt ryu cradeling her in his arms.
sdp2501- Forum Posts : 132
Location : Plymouth, UK
Fan of : Rico, Gunslinger girl, Slpiknot, Asking Alexandria, Killswitch Engage, SUICIDE SILENCE, canibal corpse, buttered toffie popcorn XD, Xbox 360
Original Characters : Kiyra, Ryu
Comments : I will drag you. To oblivion, even if I must die.
Registration date : 2010-12-30
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
Dude, I think you could really use a spell checker. Plus, capitalize whatever letters need to be capitalized.
Nachtsider- KNIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
-
Forum Posts : 5722
Location : Inside your closet. In your head.
Fan of : Gunslinger Girl, Transformers: Animated
Original Characters : Liesel/Altheus, Meir/Kathryn, Aharon/Nadia, Cosette/Janus
Comments : The Living Legend. Master of Darkness. Trailblazer par excellence. Fear him.
Registration date : 2007-09-09
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
Location: Plymouth, UK ...?
English should not be a problem here.
It could have been a great story but like Nacht says, capitalize and spell check before sending! Its ruined otherwise.
English should not be a problem here.
It could have been a great story but like Nacht says, capitalize and spell check before sending! Its ruined otherwise.
ElfenMagix-
Forum Posts : 5682
Location : NYC NY, USA
Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...
Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca
Comments : He has super powers. He is God.
Registration date : 2007-09-21
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
couldnt get on the computer...Nachtsider wrote:Dude, I think you could really use a spell checker. Plus, capitalize whatever letters need to be capitalized.
i had to use my psp
sdp2501- Forum Posts : 132
Location : Plymouth, UK
Fan of : Rico, Gunslinger girl, Slpiknot, Asking Alexandria, Killswitch Engage, SUICIDE SILENCE, canibal corpse, buttered toffie popcorn XD, Xbox 360
Original Characters : Kiyra, Ryu
Comments : I will drag you. To oblivion, even if I must die.
Registration date : 2010-12-30
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
I'm often online with my Nokia mobile phone and try to write correctly, although english isn't my native language.sdp2501 wrote:couldnt get on the computer...Nachtsider wrote:Dude, I think you could really use a spell checker. Plus, capitalize whatever letters need to be capitalized.
i had to use my psp
Schaschanist-
Forum Posts : 816
Location : Germany
Fan of : Henrietta,Triela and Claes; Hydrangea
Original Characters : Etienne & Emilie or "Eti & Emi"
Comments : Emilie Valerie De Laroque, a 13 years old dark and gloomy part-french girl from Belgium, with excellent manners and a slight french accent...
Registration date : 2010-12-16
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
A piece of friendly advice if you want to be taken seriously amongst the writing community: there's nothing wrong with jotting down the rough draft for a story in any available format. But if you intend to post those stories online, like here at CC, then take the time to transfer it to a computer in order to run it through a spelling/grammer checker and to proofread it a couple of times. The amount of time you spend polishing a piece of written work really shows through in the quality of the writing and your readers will take note of it. It just shows that you respect the story enough to make it as good as possible. If you don't respect the work, then you can't expect your readers to.
However, that all being said, I do think there is a solid foundation in your story, with a very interesting premise. I know I am not alone when I say that I look forward to seeing future installments.
However, that all being said, I do think there is a solid foundation in your story, with a very interesting premise. I know I am not alone when I say that I look forward to seeing future installments.
ChaosKin640-
Forum Posts : 417
Location : East Coast, Canada
Fan of : Triela, Hillshire & Alessandro
Original Characters : Jacob, Sophia, Melanie, Costante, Nina, Enzo and Lucretia
Registration date : 2010-08-02
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
The PlayStaion Puny has a shift key in its touch keyboard. No excuse for that.sdp2501 wrote:couldnt get on the computer...Nachtsider wrote:Dude, I think you could really use a spell checker. Plus, capitalize whatever letters need to be capitalized.
i had to use my psp
Like ChaosKin640 said, no work is so that you have to rush and put it online immediately. Write everything down first, later read it and fix it. Seriously. If you want to look like a good writer than start doing good writing. And like I said before, You're from the United Kingdom? English is your primary language! You should not be abusing the Queen's English with a 2X4 like an abused stepchild, like you did here with spelling, grammatical and tenses errors. At your age, you should be writing proses that would jear a tear from your readers, not complain about how bad your shit is! Your profile says you're 15, you should be writing like a 15yr. old with a proper education for a person of your age. This is a professional statement from me since I tutor college level English to students with language problems- this looks like a work of somebody 1/2 your age in the low grade levels of primary/elementary school.
Redo it. Correct it. Add to it. Make it better.
ElfenMagix-
Forum Posts : 5682
Location : NYC NY, USA
Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...
Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca
Comments : He has super powers. He is God.
Registration date : 2007-09-21
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
Over and over again.ElfenMagix wrote:Write everything down first, later read it and fix it.
Alfisti-
Forum Posts : 5880
Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia
Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro
Original Characters : Jethro + Monty
Comments : If in doubt, overdress.
Registration date : 2009-07-21
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
And if it's taking a week or two then it takes this long.
Schaschanist-
Forum Posts : 816
Location : Germany
Fan of : Henrietta,Triela and Claes; Hydrangea
Original Characters : Etienne & Emilie or "Eti & Emi"
Comments : Emilie Valerie De Laroque, a 13 years old dark and gloomy part-french girl from Belgium, with excellent manners and a slight french accent...
Registration date : 2010-12-16
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
I'll ignore the spelling & grammar concerns because enough people have mentioned those...no sense in harping on it.
It's a visually evocative passage. Any fight that could leave Rico disabled must have been a brutal one, I look forward to reading more details.
It's a visually evocative passage. Any fight that could leave Rico disabled must have been a brutal one, I look forward to reading more details.
I am having a little trouble visualizing this...her opponents have bitten her?sdp2501 wrote:rico lay still... the jaws of two copses still wrapped around her neck and wrist.
Professor Voodoo-
Forum Posts : 3428
Location : Hudson Valley, New York
Fan of : That one guy who was only in one episode & didn't have any lines.
Original Characters : Marisa/ Elio Alboreto
Comments :
Registration date : 2009-11-10
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
Uh...I do believe her opponents were of the distinctly undead and decomposing kind there, Voodoo.
ChaosKin640-
Forum Posts : 417
Location : East Coast, Canada
Fan of : Triela, Hillshire & Alessandro
Original Characters : Jacob, Sophia, Melanie, Costante, Nina, Enzo and Lucretia
Registration date : 2010-08-02
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
Ah...zombies. Then she can be hardly blamed for the "wet patch" alluded to... .ChaosKin640 wrote:Uh...I do believe her opponents were of the distinctly undead and decomposing kind there, Voodoo.
Professor Voodoo-
Forum Posts : 3428
Location : Hudson Valley, New York
Fan of : That one guy who was only in one episode & didn't have any lines.
Original Characters : Marisa/ Elio Alboreto
Comments :
Registration date : 2009-11-10
Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview
5am Rico is the only one still asleepProfessor Voodoo wrote:Ah...zombies. Then she can be hardly blamed for the "wet patch" alluded to... .ChaosKin640 wrote:Uh...I do believe her opponents were of the distinctly undead and decomposing kind there, Voodoo.
Kiyra*zombie groan*"nom nom Rico-chan"*huggle instead of nibble*
Rico goes from ghost white to bright red...
aaawww hehehe ^^
sdp2501- Forum Posts : 132
Location : Plymouth, UK
Fan of : Rico, Gunslinger girl, Slpiknot, Asking Alexandria, Killswitch Engage, SUICIDE SILENCE, canibal corpse, buttered toffie popcorn XD, Xbox 360
Original Characters : Kiyra, Ryu
Comments : I will drag you. To oblivion, even if I must die.
Registration date : 2010-12-30
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