Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Scenario: An offer of free tickets to a taping of Top Gear, lunch with the presenters, a lap round the test track with The Stig at the wheel, and a limited-edition Top Gear Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst Edition 4-door saloon await the winner of the first-ever Top Gear "I can make a better show than those wazzocks Clarkson, May, and Hammond" fan-made episode contest, which requires at least 1 car review, one challenge, and one Power Lap (The News and Star in a Resonably Priced Car have been omitted). Once the two petrolhead cyborgs of Section 2 (Kara and Allison) get wind of this just after a big mission, they get their handlers to request and be granted two weeks off for them and two other cyborgs (Claes and Petrushka) as they embark on a production of ridiculous proportions in the hopes of winning the grand prize.


Characters:

Kara Pagani, taking the role of leadfoot presenter Jeremy Clarkson, only difference being she
is not a sarcastic and fat old man.

Claes Johannson as a stand-in for James May, a connoisseur of finer things and generally
not easily swayed by power or utter ridiculousness. Being sensible about blowing her identity (and things in general), she won't be running at super-speed on national television.

Petrushka Ricci filling in for Richard Hammond. Arguably the pretty one of
the group, if only by Alessandro's insistence. Yes, her teeth have been whitened.


Allison McDonnell in place of The Stig. For this purpose, she is not The Stig, but The Stig's little sister, The Stigette. The glaring difference is that her helmet has a pink hair ribbon on it.


The camera crew consists of Brian, Michele, and Alessandro. Production is
undertaken by both the handlers and the cyborgs themselves.


Features of the episode


Car review + Power Lap: Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG-- Kara Pagani gets to take out the reborn version of the world's first true supercar and see for herself whether or not it can hold a candle to the original. It is then handed over to The Stigette for a lap around their test track (built due to the growing requirements of the cyborgs). The SLS AMG is once again provided through one of Michele's connections.

Car challenge: Build a technical for under €10,000 Euros-- Experimenting with the popularity of these improvised fast-attack vehicles in recent brushfire conflicts, the girls are each given €10,000 to spend on a used car, pickup, or SUV, buy some Airsoft guns, and turn it into a third-world improvised fighting vehicle. They will then be given a series of challenges to see how their creations fare in comparison to The Stigette's modified Dillon Tactical Vehicle.


Car Stunt/Challenge: Powersliding/Drifting on the Transfagarasan--
For the final bit of their episode, the girls go to the now-famous Transfagarasan highway in Romania, famous for its many twists and turns. With three slide-happy cars for the occasion, and some instruction (or lack thereof) from The Stigette, Claes, Petra, and Kara push their skills to the limit as they drift and powerslide their way through what Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson has dubbed “The best road in the world.”


In true Top Gear fashion, opportunities for hilarity will ensue, and there just might be some misappropriation of Section 2 assets and resources.

rusty-spring and I often while away the hours in chat putting our two OCs (Kara and Laine) in various Top Gear-inspired scenarios. I even went so far as to draft a story on an "epic race" from Milan to London with Kara on a plane, Laine in her 1968 Camaro Z28 and Triela and Claes on the TGV/Eurostar. They all arrived in London during the "London Race" (Series 10, Episode 05) so Kara flies over JC as she ands at LCY and passes The Stig on the DLR and Laine drives by James and Richard on the road.

Alas, it's a lot better in our minds than on paper.



Some Belgians kids did a spoof called "Top Gear: Flanders":

Case 1.4: TopGear Flanders from Paul van Nierop on Vimeo.

Its a good idea. It just requires a bit more thought to do. Especially in the race part, on which perspective will it be told, the narrator's or the driver's? Everything else is in the details.

Back in my day, my friends and I used to have the "Once Around Manhattan" races. It may sound easy, drive around the highway that surrounds Manhattan. But getting on it, lapping the island and getting back to Start/Finish was not that easy, especially with NYC Traffic to contend with. At best, we managed a 1hr-35m time; this was on a Sunday Morning at 4am. No other time could we have gone faster, averaging 75MPH... except for speed, all other laws were obeyed. Despite the perimeter of the island being about 30 miles (and to/from the Start/Finish line another 2 miles), one would think that we drive around Manhattan in 1/2 hour. Dont even think it! Even with speed on your side, there is always something to slow you down!

Well this is certainly a project I'd be interested in taking part in, but I don't believe I am the one to write it (or at least write beyond Kara's sections) based on my experience with trying to write such a story.

Kiskaloo wrote:Well this is certainly a project I'd be interested in taking part in, but I don't believe I am the one to write it (or at least write beyond Kara's sections) based on my experience with trying to write such a story.

Well, if you can write Kara's segment on a review of the SLS AMG, I think I can put this into motion. If you don't mind, I'll deal with the rest.

Giving this idea some more thought, instead of a formal proposal, what if it was just something the girls themselves came up with after watching an episode?

“Damn…almost made it,” Allison noted as she watched the Reliant Robin Space Shuttle plow a furrow into the Otterburn Artillery Range in Northumberland, England.

“Yeah, that sucked,” Kara noted as she switched away from BBC Prime to another channel.

“Ambitious, but rubbish,” Laine added.

“Doesn’t it get confusing listening to them speak in English whilst reading the subtitles in Italian?” Claes asked. After Michele taught her to drive, Triela and Kara had roped her into their weekly viewing sessions against her fervent protests.

“I just listen to the English,” Allison noted, with Kara and Laine both nodding in agreement.

“And I prefer the Italian,” Triela noted.

“They should have let Richard put the Ducati 1098 on the Cool Wall,” Kara opinioned.

“That’s just because you want Michele to buy one so you can inherit his 999,” Laine replied.

“I’d rather have the 911 Turbo,” Triela noted. “Unfortunately, Hillshire’s head would explode if he drove one.”

“With all the fancy cars the handlers have, we should get an HD camera and shoot our own episode and put it up on that MeTube site on the Internet!" Marisa suggested.

Also, Transfăgărăşan is almost 1900km due east of Rome. If they're driving, it's going to be some 22 hours. Might I therefore suggest the "second best" driving road - Davos to the Stelvio Pass - from Series 10, Episode 01? Davos is 800km north of Rome and less than 250 from Milan if the girls start at Michele's villa in Como.

In Series 2, Episode 5 of Top Gear Australia, the boys were challenged to turn three ordinary cars ( A 1972 VW Camper Van / 1995 Holden Statesman / 1966 Austin Mini Van) into "armored limousines" which they then had to put up against various challenges (facing people with paintball guns, trying to move through a crowd of "angry protestors" with water balloons and a bullet-resistance test).

So perhaps one of the girls could come up with the IFV ("Improvised Fighting Vehicle") challenge, though I expect a budget of €10.000 is probably a bit..ambitious…for the girls to secure. Plus the Cheap Car Challenges are the best, anyway. So maybe €1000-2000? The girls could start in Rome at the "SWA Technology Center" - a nondescript unused shed they find out back. I would expect the first vehicle suggested to be turned into an "IFV" would be Michele and Kara's Renault Avantime, but having seen Series 12, Episode 03, Kara would say no. So one of the girls (Marisa?) finds a Ford Transit Connect or a Fiat Ulysee minivan in the SWA Motor Pool and…appropriates…it for the cause.

I have to admit I know little to nothing about the SLS AMG. Perhaps a McLaren-Mercedes SLR? Michele could get his hands on one of those, though he wouldn't know what Kara planned to do with it.

I would suggest the girls use the ACI Vallelunga race track just outside Rome for the "track tests" since Kara is a member of the ACI (and I expect Allison would be, as well). Then they could drive up to Michele's place to spend the night, and start the "epic race" from Milan to Davos in the morning.

And since we all know how much Switzerland loves the car, I am sure they would be pleased to have an SLR (Kara), Gallardo Spyder (Claes), Camaro Z28 (Laine - if rusty-spring chooses to participate) and whatever Petrushka and Allison bring along tearing through the country.

Then they meet up at the top of the Stelvio Pass and just enjoy the drive down it and head back to Michele's place for a nice dinner by the pool.

Kiskaloo wrote:Giving this idea some more thought, instead of a formal proposal, what if it was just something the girls themselves came up with after watching an episode?

“Damn…almost made it,” Allison noted as she watched the Reliant Robin Space Shuttle plow a furrow into the Otterburn Artillery Range in Northumberland, England.

“Yeah, that sucked,” Kara noted as she switched away from BBC Prime to another channel.

“Ambitious, but rubbish,” Laine added.

“Doesn’t it get confusing listening to them speak in English whilst reading the subtitles in Italian?” Claes asked. After Michele taught her to drive, Triela and Kara had roped her into their weekly viewing sessions against her fervent protests.

“I just listen to the English,” Allison noted, with Kara and Laine both nodding in agreement.

“And I prefer the Italian,” Triela noted.

“They should have let Richard put the Ducati 1098 on the Cool Wall,” Kara opinioned.

“That’s just because you want Michele to buy one so you can inherit his 999,” Laine replied.

“I’d rather have the 911 Turbo,” Triela noted. “Unfortunately, Hillshire’s head would explode if he drove one.”

“With all the fancy cars the handlers have, we should get an HD camera and shoot our own episode and put it up on that MeTube site on the Internet!" Marisa suggested.

Also, Transfăgărăşan is almost 1900km due east of Rome. If they're driving, it's going to be some 22 hours. Might I therefore suggest the "second best" driving road - Davos to the Stelvio Pass - from Series 10, Episode 01? Davos is 800km north of Rome and less than 250 from Milan if the girls start at Michele's villa in Como.

In Series 2, Episode 5 of Top Gear Australia, the boys were challenged to turn three ordinary cars ( A 1972 VW Camper Van / 1995 Holden Statesman / 1966 Austin Mini Van) into "armored limousines" which they then had to put up against various challenges (facing people with paintball guns, trying to move through a crowd of "angry protestors" with water balloons and a bullet-resistance test).

So perhaps one of the girls could come up with the IFV ("Improvised Fighting Vehicle") challenge, though I expect a budget of €10.000 is probably a bit..ambitious…for the girls to secure. Plus the Cheap Car Challenges are the best, anyway. So maybe €1000-2000? The girls could start in Rome at the "SWA Technology Center" - a nondescript unused shed they find out back. I would expect the first vehicle suggested to be turned into an "IFV" would be Michele and Kara's Renault Avantime, but having seen Series 12, Episode 03, Kara would say no. So one of the girls (Marisa?) finds a Ford Transit Connect or a Fiat Ulysee minivan in the SWA Motor Pool and…appropriates…it for the cause.

I have to admit I know little to nothing about the SLS AMG. Perhaps a McLaren-Mercedes SLR? Michele could get his hands on one of those, though he wouldn't know what Kara planned to do with it.

I would suggest the girls use the ACI Vallelunga race track just outside Rome for the "track tests" since Kara is a member of the ACI (and I expect Allison would be, as well). Then they could drive up to Michele's place to spend the night, and start the "epic race" from Milan to Davos in the morning.

And since we all know how much Switzerland loves the car, I am sure they would be pleased to have an SLR (Kara), Gallardo Spyder (Claes), Camaro Z28 (Laine - if rusty-spring chooses to participate) and whatever Petrushka and Allison bring along tearing through the country.

Then they meet up at the top of the Stelvio Pass and just enjoy the drive down it and head back to Michele's place for a nice dinner by the pool.

I guess Stelvio Pass would be safer (what with the guardrails and all), but the Transfagarasan is just so... pretty. So many sweeping corners that look ripe for sideways hooliganism, and when I was thinking of writing this myself, it would be Kara bringing some American Powersliding firepower in the form of a borrowed 2009 Roush Performance 427R Mustang. Claes would be driving a rented Nissan 350Z, and Petra would take up a mix of British sportscar and American muscle with Brian's Marcos TSO GT2. "The Stigette" will have her Twincharged "Hachiroku" Corolla GT-S.

Looking back on car reviews, I think maybe something less expensive would be more reasonable. Perhaps a Nissan March Super Turbo, which is older, rarer, but looks like one hell of a car: Youtube vid here

And the reason I wanted it as a contest was simply for the fun of it. They'd have to enter under aliases, sure, but in the end, that VXR8 is their communal prize. The kind that one has rock-paper-scissors matches performed to decide who gets to drive it. Also, the contest lets them parody the current Top Gear crew. You did mention that Kara is not "mechanically-inclined" per se. Henceforth, I immediately thought of Clarkson in terms of the role she would fill (his idea of mending something is to take a hammer to it). Claes is reserved, sort of like James May, and Petra is the eye-catching one, as is Richard Hammond.

And when you think about it, Top Gear could benefit from proving that there are female petrolheads out there that are fans of the show.

Kara would probably not be caught dead behind the wheel of an American car. She's spoiled, to be sure, but she also knows that European cars are just...better.

Mind you, when Kara thinks "American car" that does not by default mean anything made by Ford or GM. Ford and GM of Europe products are okay by her. But the idea of a "muscle car" is just foreign to her ( she humors Laine ) and she'd find something like a Rousch Mustang to be just...vulgar...

Then Kara and Petra can switch, I suppose. It just means that she can't yell "Power!" at the top of her lungs in order to be heard over the whine of the Supercharger.

Kara probably wouldn't like the Marcos, either. "It's a shed car!"

I do think the Marcos TSO would work for Petrushka.

Still, putting Kara behind the wheel of the Rousch would be a new experience for her.

And yet driving 2000km in that would probably break her artificial spine.

Clarkson drove as far in the SLR from London to Oslo as the trip from Rome to Romania would be, so she'd do the trip in that.

I think we might be on different subjects here. I'm talking about picking cars for the drift challenge on the Transalphabetsoup highway (possible because of their cybernetic enhancements).

So she's not too keen on a Mustang...not crazy about cars built by men with pencils behind their ears... Perhaps another Japanese drift machine? Something along the lines of... I dunno, a Mazda RX-7 Type RZ? Or a Nismo 350Z Z-tune?

Or a Honda S2000?

So these cars will be waiting for them when they reach the Transfăgărăşan?

In that case, I want a Bentley Brooklands for Kara.

Jeremy Clarkson wrote:
"I'm power sliding a Georgian Tall Boy!"

Can you actually drift a Mustang? I thought Muscle Cars only went in straight lines.

Kiskaloo wrote:So these cars will be waiting for them when they reach the Transfăgărăşan?

In that case, I want a Bentley Brooklands for Kara.

Jeremy Clarkson wrote:
"I'm power sliding a Georgian Tall Boy!"

Can you actually drift a Mustang? I thought Muscle Cars only went in straight lines.

That's the plan, frankly. The cars will be sent to Romania in advance, and then it's just a drive from the airport to the Transfagarasan.

Also, you can definitely drift a Mustang, all that power will make it real easy to break out the rear wheels. from there, it's just countersteering and throttle control: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKj0sD2qHkY

Watching the "Top Gear factual muscle car road trip" last night, that C6 Corvette ZR1 looked like it could drift nicely.

Kara could slip into one of those once she arrives at the Transfăgărăşan, though it would be somewhat of a shock after the McLaren-Mercedes SLR she drove there:

"Plastic to the left of me! Plastic to the right of me!"


As for Claes, since James May drove a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder along the Transfăgărăşan, she'd probably just stay in it when she got there and thrash it about.

Claes - "I fit in this car, so I'm staying in it."

MP5 wrote:I think we might be on different subjects here. I'm talking about picking cars for the drift challenge on the Transalphabetsoup highway (possible because of their cybernetic enhancements).

So she's not too keen on a Mustang...not crazy about cars built by men with pencils behind their ears... Perhaps another Japanese drift machine? Something along the lines of... I dunno, a Mazda RX-7 Type RZ? Or a Nismo 350Z Z-tune?

Or a Honda S2000?

Or, since Michele's possibly got the cash to throw at it: the Lexus LFA's apparently a resonable drift car too

Oh, and Kisk - you can drift a Mustang... in fact I'm fairly certain it's the only way to effectively get one to change direction

Alfisti wrote:Or, since Michele's possibly got the cash to throw at it: the Lexus LFA's apparently a resonable drift car too

Ah, yes. The rich man's alternative to the Ferrari 599GTB...

But yeah, she'd take it. Same with the Nissan GT-R.

Alfisti wrote:Oh, and Kisk - you can drift a Mustang... in fact I'm fairly certain it's the only way to effectively get one to change direction

I was just watching the McLaren-Mercedes SLR vs. Ferry epic race to Oslo for research (yeah, research) and listening to Mrs. Thatcher note "This lady is not for turning".

If Kara was playing that CD in the Mustang, she'd have added: "And neither is this car!"

Kiskaloo wrote:
Ah, yes. The rich man's alternative to the Ferrari 599GTB...

But yeah, she'd take it. Same with the Nissan GT-R.

Yick, GT-R... not a fan to be honest. Of course, if you want the real tail-happy, freak-you-out experience... there's always TVR. Or for a more controlable version, Caterham.

Kiskaloo wrote:
I was just watching the McLaren-Mercedes SLR vs. Ferry epic race to Oslo for research (yeah, research) and listening to Mrs. Thatcher note "This lady is not for turning".

If Kara was playing that CD in the Mustang, she'd have added: "And neither is this car!"

It's amazing what you can pass off as "research" if you try hard enough... like going to a different bar each week for "user group and contextual design" research Hell "It's for a uni project" is possibly the best excuse for public-weirdness known to man.

Alfisti wrote:Of course, if you want the real tail-happy, freak-you-out experience... there's always TVR. Or for a more controlable version, Caterham.

Kara has to admit the TVR Sagaris has the chops, but the styling looks like it has been chopped - with an axe.

It's also a bit too...intense...for her, to be honest.

For the same price, she'd definitely take the Marcos TSO, even if it is 3.6 seconds slower around the Top Gear Test Track.

So I think it would be best if Allison is the one who discovers the contest and pitches it to the other girls. As the group gearhead, she would be the most stoked about the chance to show off her skills as a mechanic and as a driver.

Since she knows Kara is a huge fan of the show, Kara would be the logical first person to approach. And it certainly would not hurt to play on Kara's vanity by offering her the "plum" role of Jeremy Clarkson's position to get her to agree. But she is afraid how Michele might view it.

Choice three would be Triela, who is also a fan thanks to Kara, however Triela and Hilshire have a mission upcoming so she's unavailable. Petrushka overhears the conversation and her performance blood thinks that being on television in a hot outfit is a great idea. Allison sees this as a plus because it brings another handler into the fold, which would help improve "the pitch" to Lorenzo and Jean to let them take some time off to do this.

Personally, I think two weeks off is not going to happen - the SWA won't want to be without three fratelli for that long. So I would recommend that Allison suggests that they use their free time at the compounds to work on the car challenge and practice drifting. The benefit of this is you can have the girls trying out in the late evening and early morning, annoying the staff trying to sleep.

They then can get four days off for the track test at ACI Vallelunga and the drive to Transfăgărăşan.

Michele, who is preparing to leave for a week for a conference, agrees to let Kara participate. Michele's acceptance ropes Claes in to the program. She's not amused about it, however, and plots her revenge on Kara for getting her involved. Something about helping build a Japanese rock garden (raking sand and moving large rocks in the hot sun is not fun, so Claes would prefer Kara do that while she sits by with a cold drink under an umbrella, giving directions).



So once the players are selected, it's time to think about the various challenges.

For the Car Review and Power Lap Segment, Kara suggests the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren Roadster Michele dropped off the day before, because Top Gear has only reviewed the SLR Coupe and SLR 722 Coupe. However, in her excitement, Kara missed the "thinking of buying" part of Michele's statement and in fact is operating under the assumption (with all that entails) that he actually took final delivery of the car and it is now part of their stable.



While a grand tourer is not Allison's idea of automotive perfection, 617 horsepower and 0-100km in around 3.5 seconds is right up The Stigette's alley, so she agrees.

Next up, the discussion moves to the Car Stunt Challenge Segment. Allison again takes the lead here, suggesting a drifting contest. Kara is a bit hesitant to drift one of Michele's six-figure exotics, so Allison suggests they combine it with a "cheap car challenge" to source the cars. Claes refuses to drive anything but the Gallardo Spyder because that is the only car she has been behind the wheel of. Her view is "I fit in this so this is what I will drive". She also figures that there is no way they would let her learn to drift in a €200.000 car.

She's wrong, of course. And the end result is a cross between James May's test of the Pagani Zonda Roadster F in 12x04 and Jeremy Clarkson's attempt to powerslide a Lorry in 12x01 - it's not pretty, mostly consisting of spins and Claes swearing. It's only when Claes puts on a white helmet (cue shot of The Stigette in a Dolce & Gabbana sweater behind the wheel) does she successfully perform the slide. Unfortunately, Claes gets a bad case of "helmet hair" and therefore is not available for the "group sliding" scene so it's just Kara and Allison in that footage (because Allison cannot be in two cars in two roles at the same time).

For the Epic Race Segment, Allison suggests they head to the greatest driving road in the world - the Transfăgărăşan in Romania. Kara suggests Davos to the Stelvio Pass because it is far closer, but Allison successfully makes a case to drive the extra 1000km to Romania - she pops in Episode 14x01 of Top Gear in 1080i HD. Claes, being perceptive, notes in the episode that the Gallardo's SatNav does not have Romania, so she'll be sure to download that update before she leaves.

It is too bad there is no "The News" or "SIARPC" segments.

Kara - "And now it's time to welcome a star to drive in our reasonably priced car. Tonight's guest is the Minister of Defense for Italy. Please welcome…Monica Petris!"

Kara - "So, Minister. What do you think about the comments by the Mayor of Rome that he is considering instituting a Congestion Charge in the central four municipio of the city?"

Monica Petris - "Que?"

Kara - "Bus lanes on the A90 Autostrade - for or against?"

Monica Petris - "Que?"

Kara - "Now let's see the lap!"

(switch to footage of a Dacia Sandero floundering around the compound's roads)

Oh, how you all bash on American muscle cars. Ah well, half of Laine choosing a 69' Camaro is the fact that it's utterly inappropriate for Europe.

"Let's put some Yankee in these doodles."



At least the Camaro was fairly maneuverable for it's class of car. It's surprisingly small, compared to a monster Charger. If I remember right (not 100%), the wheelbase isn't that much bigger than a Ford Focus.

rusty-spring wrote:At least the Camaro was fairly maneuverable for it's class of car. It's surprisingly small, compared to a monster Charger. If I remember right (not 100%), the wheelbase isn't that much bigger than a Ford Focus.

That is one advantage to the Gallardo Spyder, as well. It's really about the size of a compact / subcompact.

Looking at the map, the distance between Rome and Romania is 2000km. I'd recommend the first day be driving to Budapest. It's 1200km and I think they can average 100km/h, so they would make it in 12 hours. They can then rest up for the evening and leave in the early morning for the ~7 hour drive to Transfăgărăşan, 730 km away. That would give them plenty of daylight to fool around.



They would then drive due East and spend the night at the resort town of Mamaia at the Grand Hotel Rex (that hotel with all the exotics parked in front). Kara, after all, has her minimum standards and while she would never admit it lest Triela tease her, Claes is starting to enjoy the benefits of being part of Michele's fratello.

Kiskaloo wrote:Unfortunately, Claes gets a bad case of "helmet hair" and therefore is not available for the "group sliding" scene so it's just Kara and Allison in that footage (because Allison cannot be in two cars in two roles at the same time).

So is this basically The Stigette herself drifting next to Kara? I'll also need to write in Petra's bits. Seeing as we're going with "drift car under €10,000" , you think maybe a used Nissan 240SX (200SX in the UK) Turbo is enough for Petra?

MP5 wrote:

Kiskaloo wrote:Unfortunately, Claes gets a bad case of "helmet hair" and therefore is not available for the "group sliding" scene so it's just Kara and Allison in that footage (because Allison cannot be in two cars in two roles at the same time).

So is this basically The Stigette herself drifting next to Kara? I'll also need to write in Petra's bits.

Actually I'm not thinking straight and I forgot that Allison is playing "The Stigette" and not herself. So yes, it would indeed be Allison as "The Stigette" drifting with Kara and Petrushka (and Claes, if we decide she is "trainable").

MP5 wrote:Seeing as we're going with "drift car under €10,000" , you think maybe a used Nissan 240SX (200SX in the UK) Turbo is enough for Petra?

I agree completely - a Euro-spec S14 or S14a series Nissan 200SX with the SR20DET would be perfect for Petrushka.

Also, I'm imagining the Transfagarasan run in my head. Kara's in the
lead with whatever car she's driving (probably the SLR 722) making
reference to Richard Hammond's comments about a grand tour of Europe in
GT cars.


Kara- So Richard Hammond once said that you can't do a Grand Tour of Europe in a Japanese hatchback. Normally, I would be inclined to agree with him, but...

*increasing sound of Allison's twincharged AE86 as The Stigette races past*

Kara- ...in this case, he's wrong, and The Stigette will show you why!

*Cut to shot of Allison's AE86 throwing down an inertia drift round a hairpin, the rear tires belching clouds of white smoke*

Kara-Mind you, this is The Stigette we're talking about, so the concept of a sedate Grand Tourer is lost on her. It's not her fault, she just doesn't know any better. But at least she's having fun--or so I think.

MP5 wrote:Also, I'm imagining the Transfagarasan run in my head. Kara's in the
lead with whatever car she's driving (probably the SLR Roadster) making
reference to Richard Hammond's comments about a grand tour of Europe in
GT cars.


Kara- So Richard Hammond once said that you can't do a Grand Tour of Europe in a Japanese hatchback. Normally, I would be inclined to agree with him, but...

*increasing sound of Allison's twincharged AE86 as The Stigette races past*

Kara- ...in this case, he's wrong, and The Stigette will show you why!

*Cut to shot of Allison's AE86 throwing down an inertia drift round a hairpin, the rear tires belching clouds of white smoke*

Kara-Mind you, this is The Stigette we're talking about, so the concept of a sedate Grand Tourer is lost on her. It's not her fault, she just doesn't know any better. But at least she's having fun--or so I think.

Kara wants to become a Petrolhead, and to be a true Petrolhead, you need to have owned an Alfa Romeo.

So how about a 1990 Alfa Romeo 75 with the 3.0 V6 QV engine? It puts out 141 kW (192 PS) @ 5800 rpm and 250 N·m (184 ft·lbf) @ 3000 rpm so it should be able to get the rear wheels to unhook nicely for good drifting.

And being a decade older than the M Coupe, she should be able to get this "Bucket of Magnificence" for 1100 of her—er, Michele's—Pounds:



This would both better fulfill the spirit of a "Cheap Car Challenge" and bestow upon Kara the...uh, joys...yeah, that's it...joys...of Alfa Ownership and allow her to be properly welcomed into the Society of Petrolheads.

And look at this interior!



Kara: Yeah! Look at that interior! What the hell were they thinking! That is so gonna clash with my Gucci and Christian Louboutin!

Well, with such a low price, she can have "things" done to it. Like get rid of that ugly interior and have some men with lots of spanners and such make it better. no one said the drift cars had to remain stock.

MP5 wrote:Well, with such a low price, she can have "things" done to it. Like get rid of that ugly interior and have some men with lots of spanners and such make it better. no one said the drift cars had to remain stock.

That's a good point. Kara can use the "SWA Technology Center" to turn her pedestrian 75 into one of these:




And all for only 11,000 of Michele's Pounds...

I absolutely Love this idea.

-Alpha rolls up to the test track in his BMW M3 GTR. Turns off the ignition(leaving the keys in) and walks over to where Brian, Michele and Allesandro are.-

Michele: Al, what are you doing here?
Alpha: Your guess is as good as mine.
Michele: Have you met Brian yet?
Alpha: No, I don't believe I have.
-shakes hands with Brian-
Brian: Charmed.
Sandro: So you're here because...
Alpha: Kara phoned me and said to come down with my Beamer.
Michele: Did she tell you why?
Alpha: Only reason she gave was 'just in case'.
Sandro: Looks like Allison is ready, let's set up.
Brian: I'll introduce you to her later.
Alpha: Why is she decked out in F1 gear? And why is she getting into my car?!

-Allison starts up Alpha's car prompting Alpha to sprint toward it jumping on the hood just as Allison puts it into gear-

Petra: What are you doing?!!
Kara: Al, you're ruining the shot!!!!!!!

Kiskaloo wrote:

MP5 wrote:Well, with such a low price, she can have "things" done to it. Like get rid of that ugly interior and have some men with lots of spanners and such make it better. no one said the drift cars had to remain stock.

That's a good point.

Kara can use the "SWA Technology Center" to turn her pedestrian 75 into one of these:




And all for only 11,000 of Michele's Pounds...

Well, if you want it done cheaper I'll talk to our mechanic tomorrow, since I'm going to be over there anyway to drop the Alfetta off He runs a 75 in road-race trim.

For the record though, engine's good, but the de-dion rear-end makes it harder to un-stick the rear than you'd expect. We did a skid-pan day awhile back (I think I was still on the ratty old MXVIIs at the time) and the instructor was having difficulty getting mine to drift, no more than a quater of a lap. This same bloke had been doing sideways circuits of the pan all day in the Elises, Elans and Esprits that were also there.

Then again, I've only got a carb-fed 4 pot rather than the V6.

Alfisti wrote:For the record though, engine's good, but the de-dion rear-end makes it harder to un-stick the rear than you'd expect. We did a skid-pan day awhile back (I think I was still on the ratty old MXVIIs at the time) and the instructor was having difficulty getting mine to drift, no more than a quater of a lap. This same bloke had been doing sideways circuits of the pan all day in the Elises, Elans and Esprits that were also there.

Maybe Kara needs to do what Clarkson did at Rockingham and just really overcook it into the corners.

Two words.

Negative Camber!!

LOLZ

Good timing. As I read this thread the "Best car for a 17 year old" episode is being run on BBC America.

So are teenaged girls really turned on by hand-brake turns? We know cyborgs are.

Professor Voodoo wrote:Good timing. As I read this thread the "Best car for a 17 year old" episode is being run on BBC America.

So are teenaged girls really turned on by hand-brake turns? We know cyborgs are.

Well... some cyborgs are anyway

Some promotional posters for the girl's show:


Allison


Kara


Laine


Claes


Petrushka

so which girls going to be shouting ,

POWWWWEEEERRRR !!!

I believe Kara was mentioned somewhere in the wall of text up there

Awinnell wrote:so which girls going to be shouting,

POWWWWEEEERRRR !!!

Alfisti wrote:I believe Kara was mentioned somewhere in the wall of text up there

Indeed she will, but I expect Laine will be doing so, as well, since she's going to be in a sixth-generation Corvette ZR1.

Kara: "Come on! Come on! Gods, I sound like I'm in a porn film."

Michele:

give Petra a TVR, they're owned by a Russian !

Awinnell wrote:give Petra a TVR, they're owned by a Russian !

That means Sandro's going to have to pay to get that TVR. For about the same price, you can get a Marcos TSO GT2, which looks similar, and besides, it's on loan from Brian, who pulled it out of a garage somewhere in London a while back.

Professor Voodoo wrote:So are teenaged girls really turned on by hand-brake turns? We know cyborgs are.

Awinnell wrote:so which girls going to be shouting ,

POWWWWEEEERRRR !!!

Kiskaloo wrote:Kara: "Come on! Come on! Gods, I sound like I'm in a porn film."

Michele:

I shall be very disappointed if the finished fic contains no Spanish fly/gear-shift jokes.

Nachtsider wrote:
I shall be very disappointed if the finished fic contains no Spanish fly/gear-shift jokes.

From where are those jokes again?

Oh, they're just a widespread thing with no specific source.

Kiskaloo wrote:
Kara: "Come on! Come on! Gods, I sound like I'm in a porn film."

Michele: And how would you know that, having never seen one? Is there something I should know?

SPARTAN 119 wrote:

Kiskaloo wrote:
Kara: "Come on! Come on! Gods, I sound like I'm in a porn film."

Michele: And how would you know that, having never seen one? Is there something I should know?

Calenders? Pin-ups? Porn films? Elio breathes a massive sigh of relief, happy that his cyborg is too young to be involved in this foolishness.

Michele knows Kara was sexually active before she became a cyborg, so...

Kiskaloo wrote:Michele knows Kara was sexually active before she became a cyborg, so...

Does she know that?

Professor Voodoo wrote:

Kiskaloo wrote:Michele knows Kara was sexually active before she became a cyborg, so...

Does she know that?

Yes. The medical staff made her aware of it, who also informed her that she's been made sterile.

Okay. As promised, I gave Kara’s motivations some thought.

Kara likely did not drive before she came to the Agency. Living in Paris, with its excellent public transportation system, she did not need a car. And based on what a 17-year old in the UK pays for insurance, her parents might very well have not been able to afford one for her.

So her first experience behind the wheel of a car would have been Michele’s 1999 Ferrari 456 M GTA. The 456 is a grand tourer and as such was designed to eat the kilometers in luxury, not attack the corners like a track or sports car. So her initial training would have been in large parking lots at night, the roads around the SWA Compound, and at the ACI Vallelunga track where she could get comfortable with the controls and the handling / performance. But it is still a Ferrari so it could hustle and was capable of speeds north of 300km/h, which Kara did taste on occasion, whetting her appetite for speed.

Kara is “track trained” and loves thrashing around a track in the right car. However, the grand touring roots grew deep and given a choice of 250 kilometers lapping the ACI Vallelunga circuit in the Ferrari F430 or 250 kilometers cruising along the Mediterranean or Adriatic coasts in the Aston Martin DB9, she will almost always take the latter.

Kara’s interest in cars is colored totally by Michele. As his cyborg, his hobbies are her hobbies. His likes are her likes. His passions are her passions. And that extends to automobiles. As such, she’s not interested in things like “hot hatches” or “muscle cars”. She likes exotics because they’re fast, but speed is not the only reason why she likes a car. For her, it’s as much about the marque and it’s history as it is the engine displacement or the final drive ratio because that is what is important to Michele (who worked for the Scuderia).

While I joke Kara’s idea of a “classic car” is something made before 1997, the fact is the Mille Miglia she did with Michele really opened her eyes. Seeing these beautiful Ferraris, Alfas, Lancias and Maseratis from the 1950s and 1960s really stirred something in her soul that had unconsciously been placed there by her talks with Michele. He loves those cars and that love has now become her love, not just because of a desire to mimic him, but because she’s become educated about them and understands and accepts their value on their own merits.



This is why I believe Allison is the one who should take the lead on convincing the other girls to actually make a play for the contest. I would expect Allison’s motivation to enter and win would be to win the car and to meet The Stig and do a Power Lap with him. So she needs two more people to have a chance at making an episode. Kara springs to mind by default – she drives exotics and she likes the show, so she must be a “kindred spirit”.

And Kara is, but in a different way. She is not a real “gear head”. She can identify the major components of a car and what they do, but she likes to believe that on the hood of every car is a large sticker that says “No User Serviceable Parts Inside. Please Refer All Maintenance to Qualified Personnel”.

Allison is a tuner; a tinkerer; someone who takes something already good and makes it better; makes it personal. A car is more than a tool to her – it’s an extension of herself. It is why she holds the position she does within the Agency. Kara can shoot out a window, and her innate accuracy makes her effective, but for Allison, it’s an art. A specialty. In such situations, Kara and the other girls may hit the target half the time. Or three-quarters of the time. Allison hits it every time. It’s why she does these missions and not Kara.

To Kara, Top Gear is an entertaining show about three blokes “cocking about” that happens to have cars as the theme. So while she’d certainly think it “cool” to be able to visit the studio and meet the cast, the Vauxhall saloon doesn’t interest her. So Allison has to pitch the idea in terms Kara can relate to and get excited about.

Therefore, I would like to present the following for consideration as to how the team is formed:

As noted above, Kara loves to drive. So when Allison recommends they take a long weekend trip to drive 2000 kilometers and film at the Transfăgărăşanin in Romania, that is something that appeals to Kara, especially when she remembers Michele dropped off a Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster. She’ll remember Jeremy Clarkson drove one 2000 kilometers from London to Oslo and raved about it.

So Allison has set the hook, but now she needs to make sure the fish doesn’t break the line and escape. As I noted above, she is a tuner and a tinkerer – things Kara is not. So she has to figure out how to pitch her idea of the Challenge / Stunt – a drifting contest. Michele’s cars are plenty powerful enough to drift, but they’re also very expensive. The idea of pitching them into corners in a cloud of tire smoke (especially when those tires run over €1000 a set) is not something Kara thinks Michele would appreciate. And while Kara can be a bit rebellious, the one thing she cannot face is his disappointment. Anger, sure, but never disappointment.

So Allison needs to come up with an alternative. She might consider loaning Kara one of her own cars, but they are hers. It’s one thing to let her borrow one for a little cruise. But this is different. The car could get damaged. What if Kara overcooked it and lost control? What if she was too rough and damaged it? No, that won’t work. Allison would know Kara is rich – well, her handler is. Better to play it safe and get her something of her own so if she breaks it or wrecks it…

Salvation comes with a watching of Episode 03 of Series 11 on BBC Prime and the “Can you buy an Alfa Romeo for £1000 or less without it completely ruining your life all the time challenge”. Allison knows Michele owned an Alfa and decides to play on both Kara’s vanity and her insecurity.

“It’s too bad Michele didn’t buy you that Alfa 147 GTA,” Allison noted as the credits started to roll.

“The Gallardo Spyder is cooler,” Kara replied.

“True, but your handler owned an Alfa, didn’t he?” Allison asked.

“Yes.”

“So that makes him a true petrol head. As his cyborg, I would think you would want to be one, as well,” Allison commented.

“Well I did drive that 1949 6C 2500 Super Sport Cabriolet in the Mille Miglia,” Kara noted.

“Yes, but that was driving someone else’s Alfa. You have to actually own one,” Allison pointed out.

That evening, Allison would then use the Italian version of Autotrader to find an inexpensive rear-wheel drive Alfa, eventually finding a silver 1990 Alfa Romeo 75 with the 3.0 liter QV V6 engine. It’s €1000 and the interior is fabric in a hideous multicolored herringbone pattern, but Allison figures Kara probably can afford it with the stipend her handler gives her.

The next morning (Saturday) over breakfast Allison pitches the idea of choosing drifting as the challenge. Kara replies she doesn’t know how to drift and even if she did, Michele would strip her of her artificial skin if she did so with one of his cars.

To this, Allison pulls out the ripped page from the Autotrader and shows Kara the Alfa. She pitches it as a great drift car thanks to the V6 and RWD and notes she would be willing to help fix any problems. Kara waffles, but in the end her desire to be a “true petrol head” like Michele wins her over. It also doesn't hurt that Allison again plays on Kara's vanity and offering her the “part” of “Jeremy Clarkson” and allowing her to perform a formal review and road test of the Mercedes SLR Roadster. So they hop into Allison’s car and go and look at the Alfa. Kara revolts over the interior, but Allison uses that to beat down the price by €250 and the deal is done. Kara drives it back to the compound, but parks it out back because she’s embarrassed to be seen in it and she’s also fearful that Michele will be upset at her spending her stipend on a car (because it’s an Alfa Romeo, she feels confident he won’t be disappointed in her).

With Kara now committed, it’s time to find “Richard Hammond” and “James May”. The latter is taken care of by default when Michele announces he is leaving on Monday for a week to ten days and places Kara in nominal charge of the fratello while he is away. Allison may or may not know Claes well (your call, MP5), but she does know that Claes is level-headed which makes her a natural fit as “James” so while Claes is not amused, and will extract her revenge down the road (pun), where Kara goes so must she. And however you end up writing it, Petrushka joins the team in the role of “Richard Hammond”.

Now that the team has been assembled, next up is how to do the contest. Which is something for another post…