'Light as Seen Through Darkness' -Michael and Jamie

Here it is for download, and make sure you save it rather than open from the link, as I want to keep the server running smooth.
Light as Seen Through Darkness

I'll work on getting chapters separated and stuff as soon as my server guru changes my passwords for my new log-in.

!!!A word of warning!!!! I don't mince words, and I rarely consider an idea or scene to be too graphic. Lets face it, this story has crude language, semi-graphic torture, and violence ... and there will be more to come before it ends. I was striving for a respectably adult (think 'Not Rated' live-action GSG), gritty, dark feel. Sometimes it comes off, others not. But this story is definitely not for those under 17 to be reading in school, so don't. Everyone else can enjoy at their pleasure. Don't forget the nomination for Golden Cyborg if you enjoy it!

The first couple of chapters are anemic, only a few pages long each, so I plan on expanding them eventually. It starts to hit a stride in Chapter 5 and settles down into a whale-beater. I won't lie, you'll probably get bored at some point or another, but just keep reading, as I have a sort of sine-wave of action/boredom going on until I can trim it down and adjust the phrasing a bit more. Somewhere in there, a plot forms.


Chapters 28-29
Chapters 30-31
Chapters 32-34
Chapters 35-36
Chapters 37-38
Chapters 39-40
Chapter 41
Chapter42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44

***UPDATE***
CHapter 45

And the Regale Finale
CHapter 46:Epilogue

I'm reading it right now...liking it so far. Your handler's origins are creative, and certainly breaks from the fanfiction trend of handlers coming from affluent or powerful backgrounds.
Jean drops a nice bomb on him in chapter 4...we've already looked into your background.

Reading more...

::Gives Voodoo a 100pt badge for being the first poster::

I actually started yesterday...it's long (173,693 words) so it's taking me a while...bear with me.
At the same time I'm trying to read through Kiskaloo's body of work, which is enormous.

Professor Voodoo wrote:At the same time I'm trying to read through Kiskaloo's body of work, which is enormous.

It surprised me just how much I ended up writing. What started as one-off, throw-away 3200 word story ended up becoming some 35 stories and 150,000 words.

Kiskaloo wrote: It surprised me just how much I ended up writing.

Funny how that happens, eh? Way back in High School I wrote an action series for my friends (featured them as characters) and it ended up running 65 episodes, plus a 40 episode "Next Generation" series that dealt with the characters later lives and their children. Counting other projects, I think I produced at least 10,000 handwritten pages of fiction during that period in my life.

Oh, yeah... ignore my editing notes that are still in there.

I'm up to Chapter 8, Maverick. Notable so far; I really like how you kept up a good intense pace in Ch. 6, and Ch. 7 was an interesting departure from what you normally see in both the canon & other fanfics. Sneaky move slipping Ohio in there...

I'm up to Chapter 8, Maverick. Notable so far; I really like how you
kept up a good intense pace in Ch. 6, and Ch. 7 was an interesting
departure from what you normally see in both the canon & other
fanfics. Sneaky move slipping Ohio in there...

Ohio? I'll have to read back through for where that impression could come from. It was supposed to be Springfield, Illinois.

maverick375 wrote:
Ohio? I'll have to read back through for where that impression could come from. It was supposed to be Springfield, Illinois.

You're probably right...I just saw that you list Ohio as your profile location and figured you slipped your own town into the story.

Close. Actually, Jamie is from Springfield, Illinois and Michael is from Erie, PA.

I think... ::starts checking notes::

I've started it, as well, but since it's an entire novel, it's going to be awhile.

::rubs hands together in a sinister manner::

Yeeeessss.... Muwahahahahaha

Let me know what you guys think of the Venice chapters. Sad to say, I think it's probably the best part.

That was a really full chapter. It had lots of character interaction, the plot arc was advanced, a boiling sub-plot about the conflict between Michael & Ferro...and was all capped off by a creative action scene. I liked it...I'll have a more detailed review by tommorow.

“Maybe the leash is too long.” Ferro had to be the one to be negative about it.
“You’d prefer I bend her over my knee and spank her? "

Hmmm, that's kinda hot, but maybe Ferro could do it instead...and maybe she could be wearing some tall leather boots and a panzer-cap. Quit looking at me like I'm a perv...you're the one who made Jamie "legal."

Context. CONTEXT!!!!

The interesting part about the Venice chapters was how quickly they came out. Aside from a few days of focus, they largely wrote as fast as I could type them, and were mainly on the fly. It practically wrote itself in my hands. I wish the rest of the book had the same fluid feel as that section. The time on those chapters was probably the most focused and interested in a project that I have ever been.

I'd be lying if I said the idea of a Michael/Jamie action scene hadn't occurred to me, and things get somewhat spicy later, but there are really a couple of reasons I went with her age of 17-18. Most notable was the sake of the story.
There is the struggle of a young woman fighting to make her way on her own in the world, in the face of everything that has been thrown at her. She has jumped the line between being a girl and a woman mentally because she had to to survive, even before the agency got her. A 17 yr old can do this legally in the states whereas a 15 or 16 would be much more difficult.

Then there is the travel aspect. There aren't many American 15-17's running around Europe unsupervised. When I chose the snuff-film angle, it was for the impact that it has. It was one of the best ideas to involve a quest for vengeance, a quest that makes the characters give up or question their humanity at times in the face of everything they believe otherwise. Maybe it seems a bit too Triela-like, okay, but Michael isn't the whiny puss that Hilshire is. A line Michael uses later says it all:"This is what happens when you come across scum
that has infested your life, and you actually have the ability and moral
justification to remove it."
More than anything, this is a story about beliefs, I guess. Beliefs in God, each other, and in justifiable evils. The God angle isn't there to impress a belief in the reader, so much as to counterpoint Jamie's sad story. A girl that abhors violence is being forced to kill, and is actually liking how good she is at it. The dichotomy of her personalities is something that plays out more later.

Her age also allowed me to excuse her rapid selection as being to progress a step towards the Gen three development.

Finally, I was looking to avoid pedo-fodder if possible.

maverick375 wrote:
"This is what happens when you come across scum that has infested your life, and you actually have the ability and moral justification to remove it."

More than anything, this is a story about beliefs, I guess. Beliefs in God, each other, and in justifiable evils. The God angle isn't there to impress a belief in the reader, so much as to counterpoint Jamie's sad story. A girl that abhors violence is being forced to kill, and is actually liking how good she is at it. The dichotomy of her personalities is something that plays out more later.

Her age also allowed me to excuse her rapid selection as being to progress a step towards the Gen three development.

Finally, I was looking to avoid pedo-fodder if possible.

Isn't this is what GsG is bascially about- dealing with scum that has entered everyone's lives? In this case there is no such this as "The lesser of two evils", as evil is as evil does. But having evil protecting good, that is an interesting premise of all.

I'm way behind on my Wiki work, and must give accounts to VooDoo and Mav for them to put up their characters now that they have stories for them. The Wiki is for databasing the OCs for research and development purposes, and thus far for some it has worked well, while for others it has not. I'll just keep making adjustments to see how it goes. Guys, expect account info pms in your inboxes within the next 24 hours.

Unless one starts putting their characters through a Doushi content, I doubt anyone of us will be writing pedo-fodder content of our characters. The urges of the fans may want to you too, but you are writing the stories, not them.

maverick375 wrote:Context. CONTEXT!!!!

Hey, I think Ferro is the hottest of the Section 2 ladies (apologies to Priscilla & Olga, but Ferro's just got the curves), so if I want to picture her in a leather bustier holding a riding crop don't ruin my fantasy! I'm stuck out here on a boat with no women, remember?

It's impossible to talk about the Venice story without mentioning your previous chapter, specificly Jamie reading & misinterpreting her own (Janet's) diary. This mission starts off on the wrong foot for her.
Nice touch adding Fermi & Gabrielli. They haven't appeared in the canon for a long time, and only for a few chapters then, but they are popular characters for fan-fictions. I note that they kind of disappeared in the later parts of this chapter...was it a case of "too many characters" overload?

The next really notable scene is Jamie & Michael's exchange after everyone else has retired to get some rest. He's isolated her in cagey fashion, by offering the bedrooms to the other members of the team. The scene is one of my favorites...a great illustration of how conditioning effects all the girls. You took it to the extreme by giving Jamie a seizure, unexplored territory to be sure but I think you handled it very well. Don't be surprised if you see this "ultimate effect of conditioning" show up in my stories or even those of other authors. The imagery is terrific and haunting.

I thought it was a little early for Michael to start being forthright about Tanya & the nature of the diaries (I guess he wasn't completely truthful about the diaries), but I appreciate the need to move the plot forward.
More unexplored territory is Jamie straddling the barrier between childhood & adulthood. The canon hints at this coming of age conflict a little with Triela & Petrushka, but they are both clearly "faking" adulthood as the mission demands. Jamie is the first OC I've read about that is an adult (albeit a young one, lacking confidence) when the disguse comes off. I like where you're taking it...
I'm afraid I found her former identity, Janet Wells far too "perfect" and as a consequence very bland. It made it hard to identify with the character, so her snuff-film "death" did not really have that great an impact on me. Maybe I'm just crazy for characters loaded down with personal foibles.
Other good moments: When the pair return from shopping everyone eagerly gathers to see what they've bought...Jose's aggravation with the tension between Ferro & Michael...Jamie & Henrietta's morning walk for pie & ice cream allowed Jamie to shift a bit more to her "girl" personality.
The scene where Fermi repeats his "Rico experiment" with Jamie seemed a bit forced, but it set up a funny punchline: "Michael would have allowed me to block your draw and then remove your arm.”
“You mean remove his gun.” Gabrielli thought maybe she slipped in the translation. The look she received in return chilled her to the bone.
“No.”
Skipping back to 'Etta & Jamie's outing, the older cyborg's panic attack after running into Tommy was positively chilling. I expected Henrietta to be a little more aggressive in her efforts to help Jamie through it...it is part of her nature after all, she tries to comfort Triela during her period in canon chapter 3.

On to the action sequence... This is turning into a long post, and my ship is in a squall now so the satellite internet connection is being flaky, so I'll put it up now before writing some more....

I thought it was a little early for Michael to start being forthright about Tanya

I didn't think about how his lines came across. In my head, his relationship with her is pretty much finished, and while he's not exactly open about it, it's not something he's really all that ashamed of. It's "been there, done that, and lets move on" for him. Jamie's misconception is the problem, and he moves to fix it.

I'm afraid I found her former identity, Janet Wells far too "perfect" and as a consequence very bland.

I need to write more of her. I've never really fleshed much of her out and it shows. Lesson learned:A dual-character needs dual back-stories.

I note that they kind of disappeared in the later parts of this chapter...was it a case of "too many characters" overload?

They kind of did. Presumably, they went off with Giorgio to track down the Section One leak (which was a line at the breakfast table, if I recall), whom they found info on in the warehouse. I suppose I could write in a parting scene for the groups to give it more closure.

I expected Henrietta to be a little more aggressive in her efforts to
help Jamie through it...it is part of her nature after all, she tries
to comfort Triela during her period in canon chapter 3.

But Triela is a close friend and Jamie is "one of the older girls." Henrietta wants to do something to help, but she is not close enough to Jamie to really know how to be supportive to her specifically. Not to mention the fact that it's something that seems to entirely incapacitate Jamie for a time, something that might spook any of the cyborgs when they see it happening in another.

Your comments are certainly appreciated, Prof, as it gives me some ideas for the revision. Keep it up!

I'm back;
There's a lot of set-up before the action scene, which is something your work has in common with a lot of other fan-fics. I'm not convinced that it's necessary. Sure we want the audience to know the plan, so they catch on when that plan does not go off as expected, but I think we could write be a lot more tersely when it comes to that part of the story. I include my own work in that observation.

I do love Michael's smart-ass comments at the end of the briefing. Despite Giuse's order to bury the hatchet, he can't resist screwing with Ferro just a little bit more!
Michael's pre-mission pep-talk, and Jamie's admission of her breakdown earlier in the day was an endearing moment. I personally thought you'd wait a bit longer until Jamie revealed that, but for the sake of the mission it was good that she came forward with it. For a minute, I suspected that Henrietta might let that information slip out by accident... Micheal's last minute talk about courage & the nature of killing was a dramatic touch but fit well inside the confines of their relationship.
Another cute touch was Michael's joke about her popping out a few kids, and Jamie's sneaky insinuation that he was the likely candidate to give them to her.

Spoiler:

When the action begins it seems that Jamie has screwed up and missed her first target. Not entirely unexpected, but an emotional gut-punch for an audience who you've done a good job to get "rooting" for her.

Alfisti wrote (in another thread) about the difficulty of writing action, specifically the fight not to overuse character names and pronouns. You did a good job with that...the prose never becomes repetitive.
When the grenade goes off I though there was a little missed opportunity...Michael might have lost his hearing for a little while longer, just long enough to bring the action to a "slow-motion" and describe Ferro's lips moving wordlessly.
Henrietta gets her moment to shine next, executing a fast blitz into the heart of the action. The names & pronouns to get a little overworked here, but as was said before...action is hard to write. It's still an exciting scene.

The clock turns back as the perspective shifts to Jamie, and now we know what really happened when her first shot broke glass. It's one of my favorite parts of the story...everyone's assumption that she has failed with her first shot, followed by the discovery...by both the team and the reader...that she actually took out the primary objective. We are back to rooting for your girl...em...woman!
As she picks up her G36 I am happy to see that she slaps a magazine into the weapon. I'm no perfectionist weapons expert like Piero, but it annoys me when people call it a clip.

There's little I can say about the boat-chase except really awesome. I read it several times and tried to analyze the prose, but I keep getting caught up in the action...a very good, fast paced scene. Michael's observation about the action movie director betray some of your inspiration for this sequence, but I also see a hint of Bond in there.
"Cyborgs could probably drown like everyone else," yeah, I think the canon chapter where Rico falls into the water in Venice established that. Jean would never jump in and save his cyborg unless he knew it was serious. Continuing my allusion to that scene...I think you presented the water in Venice far more realistically. As Rico sinks she watches the sun (until Jean rescues her)...I've been diving in horrible zero-visibility water like that and once you're just a few feet down there is no sun to look up at.

"I hate boats. They crash too much." I literally laughed out loud at that.
After the well timed climax there is a short dénouement where we see that in spite of Michael's insistence that she not count bodies, Jamie has met her goal of 5. A nice finish to the chapter.

I'm enjoying the story. More to come...

Finished Chapters 5 and 6. Starting on 7.

Nice choice on the Beowulf. They evidently work great in Iraq in an anti-car role.

Thinking of Jamie and Petrushka, I wonder if it is wise to have the girls be naked when they are first introduced to their handlers. In Pactio, I have Priscilla arrive first and give Kara her clothes, telling her to get dressed. That way, when Michele shows up about 30 minutes later, she has had time to shower and change and be ready to meet him.

I also like how Michael changes his training tactics. I kind of figure the girls go through a kind of "boot camp" where they're first familiarized with their weapons and then put through a day of athletics with a medical staffer watching to make sure all of the systems are working properly. Then they progress through both a basic training all cyborgs do, plus whatever their handler thinks might be helpful on top of that.

Jaguar XF - perfect choice. I so love the look of that car.

I also like how you noticed that Jean, Jose, Rico and Henrietta were all at the train station at the end of Chapter 32 - something I didn't until I happened to re-read the chapter yesterday. I always wondered if they had just come back from Sicily on the train, since Henrietta is wearing Enrica's dress and Rico has the same outfit she wore there.

I was very impressed with how you expressed Jamie in this chapter and Chapter 6. We know the girls crave the approval of their handlers, and yet those handlers so often seem to put a wall between them and their cyborgs. With the exception of Jean, I think they do it unconsciously. It's one of the reasons I actually like Alessandro. I can understand her anxiety as Michael gets close to her. She's compelled to obey him, so it's probably like a first-time first date. I also like how she scans the crowds. Even when told to be calm, I expect at first the cyborgs are just bundles of nerves looking for threats. it's in their nature (via the conditioning). Only after time would they become able to "settle down" in public situations as a matter of habit.

Chapter 6 was pure win.

Hmm... I didn't even notice Enrica's dress. I figured they had followed them to keep an eye on them, but that certainly lends credence to their arriving on their own from Sicily and noticing them.

Michael's observation about the action movie director betray some of
your inspiration for this sequence, but I also see a hint of Bond in
there.

There are a lot of places I use a movie reference to help the visual along, but I try not to steal the image specificly. Later on I compare Michael's foolish acts earlier in his career as his thinking he's John Clark or James Bond, purely in a derogatory manner, as such characters are rare, if at all existent, in "real" Intelligence circles.

If you were to see someone jumping between boats, firing in mid-air, and then had to describe it in your own head, I would think that John Woo would be the thing that pops into most minds, so I used it to help the image along. (and to be perfectly honest, I'm not a huge John Woo fan.)

I didn't even think of the Bond boat chase, though I can definitely see the comparison to "The World is Not Enough." Not intentional, and I really don't care enough to change mine.

I found some personally interesting parallels between your Michael and my Michele in Chapter 11 in that both men saved their cyborgs and then felt responsible for their future welfare and somewhat discomforted and guilty over putting them into the hands of the Agency, though Michael doesn't have the "in over his head" aspect that Michele does. And as Jaime's diary provided a window into her prior life, so did Kara's online presence do the same for Michele.

Picking up where I left off at the beginning of Chapter 14...

He suddenly felt exhausted, fatigue rippling through his muscles and clouding his mind. The coffee cup he had lifted to his lips was returned to the table unharmed; he had lost any will he’d had to drink it.
That's a great passage...anyone who has experienced one of those never-ending work days (even if they don't get shot at for a living) can relate to that. After the dark settings & intense action of the last chapter a return to the hotel room, lit by morning sun is a well timed pressure release.
The incident where Jamie wakes up to find Michael in her bed (having him "steal" her pillow was cute) shows more of her individual personality as compared to the other cyborgs. One of the younger girls might be innocently thrilled at the close contact with her handler...Jamie is awkward & embarrassed, a sign of her feelings for Michael.

"I wanted to treat Jamie to a day of relaxation here before heading back to the mundane existence she leads in the compound. She’s earned it and since her injury proved to be superficial, I figured now is as good a time as any.”
Yeah, that was doomed to failure from the very beginning! After his previous friction with Ferro I'd have thought Michael would be a little more careful than to just declare he was taking a day off. It shows how fixated he is on his personal goal.
This all leads into another blow-up between Michael & Ferro, this time without Giuseppe to break things up. Your resolution of the scene was a surprise, going against the previous theme of conflict between the two. The principled decision is perfectly within character for the canon Ferro, but is a shock to Michael who had previously seen her as a rival.

Question; when Michael & Jamie get into their playful towel-fight she explains her technique by stating "I've watched a few movies." Where would she get to see kung-fu movies without her handler? I ask because it explains a lot about how you interpret the dorm, and the girl's private lives.
Speaking of private lives, Jamie & Priscilla's scene in the laundry room is a highlight too. I think you're the first person to write a dialogue scene in that setting. If Jamie only knew who her handler was drinking wine with on the roof she might not consider Priscilla such a threat!

From Janet's diary; We pigged out on cake and ice cream
Cake & ice cream (insert slight eyebrow raise)? I thought she was supposed to be turning 17...not 10. She could have at least snuck a bottle of Boone's Farm into the party!

Michael learning about the engraved cross necklace (with the auspicious number 316) has to be a plot element that will become significant. His dark, intense scene is interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Ferro & their rooftop bottle of wine. One point; I think it would have been easy to go into a few words of detail about what kind of wine it is...all we know it that it's a 1937 vintage.

You end the chapter with an enjoyable girl/cyborg/woman moment of contemplation for Jamie. Her character growth is one of the most interesting elements of your story.

Starting on Chapter 15...

From Janet's diary; We pigged out on cake and ice cream
Cake
& ice cream (insert slight eyebrow raise)? I thought she was
supposed to be turning 17...not 10. She could have at least snuck a
bottle of Boone's Farm into the party!

She's not the type to do something so blatantly against the rules, at least not in her previous form. I would imagine that her parents were doing something nearby.

One point; I think it would have been easy to go into a few words of
detail about what kind of wine it is...all we know it that it's a 1937
vintage.

I know nothing of wines, and for the most part, neither does Michael. His reaction is about the same as mine would be: It's an old bottle from before the war, it's probably valuable.

Question; when Michael & Jamie get into their playful towel-fight she explains her technique
by stating "I've watched a few movies." Where would she get to see
kung-fu movies without her handler? I ask because it explains a lot
about how you interpret the dorm, and the girl's private lives.

I never really thought it out, it just seemed something interesting to write in. Maybe she watches them with Claes. Just because they are "cultured" doesn't mean there's not a bunch of junk that can be tossed in there too. There are a lot of openings in the day of a cyborg, and since the gen-2's probably need slightly less supervision, they probably do more when their handlers aren't around.

Later on I have Jamie fetching coffee for Michael as he's doing paperwork in the office. When she's not training, her time is hers to spend. Some of that time, I envision, is spent sitting next to him in the office, reading books on lock-picking or whatever, getting him coffee or such as he needs it.

This brings up an interesting point in the 1st gens... Why, exactly, do they need to have schooling at all? Language skills are one thing, and there's plenty to learn about politics and techniques, but my feeling from the classroom scenes is that they are learning things much as a common girl would, literature for one example. It's not exactly a necessary bit of knowledge to a "born" killer.

Jamie, being graduated herself (albeit from a US school), would not require the schooling except on specific areas, which is why Michael assigns her study time to her specific skill sets: Locks, combat techniques, stealth, electronics, and marksmanship.

Professor Voodoo wrote:Michael learning about the engraved cross necklace (with the auspicious number 316) has to be a plot element that will become significant. His dark, intense scene is interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Ferro & their rooftop bottle of wine. One point; I think it would have been easy to go into a few words of detail about what kind of wine it is...all we know it that it's a 1937 vintage.

Michele highly recommends the Chateau d'Yquem 1937. The UK seems to have the best prices at the moment (€2000 a bottle), so maybe Jethro picked up a bottle at Ferro's request when he was back visiting the Home Country.

maverick375 wrote:This brings up an interesting point in the 1st gens... Why, exactly, do they need to have schooling at all? Language skills are one thing, and there's plenty to learn about politics and techniques, but my feeling from the classroom scenes is that they are learning things much as a common girl would, literature for one example. It's not exactly a necessary bit of knowledge to a "born" killer.

Well Triela did note in Chapter 2, I believe, that Hillshire teaches her literature in his lectures. I expect it's designed to make the girls seem more "normal" in social situations and education is important to a soldier. I figure the Gen 1's get a general secondary school education. Since Kara was preparing for college when she was converted, I figure Michele hires private tutors and uses online education, since she would already be beyond what the Gen 1's are learning.

I'm just about to start Chapter 14, as well, so I better read ahead!

maverick375 wrote: She's not the type to do something so blatantly against the rules, at least not in her previous form. I would imagine that her parents were doing something nearby.

I'm just messing with you. Yeah, I agree, it's absolutely in character for Janet...maybe I'm just nostalgicly pining for the reckless shenanigans of what I remember as being 17.

This brings up an interesting point in the 1st gens... Why, exactly, do they need to have schooling at all? Language skills are one thing, and there's plenty to learn about politics and techniques, but my feeling from the classroom scenes is that they are learning things much as a common girl would, literature for one example. It's not exactly a necessary bit of knowledge to a "born" killer.

Kiskaloo wrote:Well Triela did note in Chapter 2, I believe, that Hillshire teaches her literature in his lectures. I expect it's designed to make the girls seem more "normal" in social situations and education is important to a soldier. I figure the Gen 1's get a general secondary school education.

You might be making the right call, having Michael tutor Jamie privately, but only because of her age. I like the idea of more conventional classes for all the other cyborgs for a few reasons. First of all, there's the normalization aspect...bringing a complete dumbass into a social situation could blow the whole mission. Second, the girls have a lot of free time between missions, and idle hands are the devil's plaything. Third, it provides the writer with another forum for mass public interaction (I say that, but I still haven't written a classroom scene yet).
Plus, although it may not work as well with Jamie because she's older, the idea of a deadly killer who still has to worry about her schoolwork is cliche, but still cute...

What really has impressed me so far is just how developed Michael and Jamie are as characters and how developed their relationship is at all the stages. I understand this is a novel as well as a story, but at only halfway through it (in terms of word count) and everything has been shown so clearly.

I admit to have been a bit hesitant to dive into a 175,000 word "first story", but Michael and Jamie are by far the most polished OC fratello I have encountered at this point in a narrative. And that's made me want to keep reading to see what happens to them.

Well, I have to say that the hardest part has been in making the efforts to keep this from becoming "the Michael Christiansen Chronicals", and even then, I'm not sure I've succeeded in it. We certainly know more about Michael than Jamie, certainly up to the halfway point, though I do get a bit more for her later. The reader discovers aspects of who she was at the same time Jamie does, which is a good method of keeping the emotional strength of the moment, but it makes the whole thing seem to be more about him than her.
To be clear, Michael's part in the story is more about how a person changes, or can change, to meet the demands placed upon them, by their own mind, as well as by outside influence.
Jamie is more of a person struggling just to make it, her situation certainly not of her own doing.

Personally, more focus on the handlers is not necessarily a bad thing. These guys are probably in their mid-to-late thirties from military and police backgrounds who are now paired with girls who are 10-12 and are in love them. And kill people with no sense of regret, remorse - or mercy. How do they deal with that?

Such a thing is not something I can visualize, which is why I didn't even try to create a "traditional" fratello (not that Kara and Michele were even an untraditional one). Even Yu focuses on the girls, giving us precious little insight into their handlers. And what he does give us is often one-dimensional. Jean is a handler to kill Padania. Hillshire is a handler because of guilt over getting Rachelle killed rescuing Triela. Jose is a handler because Henrietta reminds him of Enrica. Alessandro is a handler because "it's fun". In the anime, Lauro was a handler just to make a lot of money to pay off debts.

So that you spend time and words on why Michael is a handler is something I admire and hope to see more of.

Kiskaloo wrote: Personally, more focus on the handlers is not necessarily a bad thing...Even Yu focuses on the girls, giving us precious little insight into their handlers. And what he does give us is often one-dimensional.

I think Yu's presentation of the handlers as rather shallow characters is not entirely unrealistic. These are empty, battered men. All of them are without family or outside friends (yeah, I know Hillshire's German mother makes a cameo, but he is still estranged from his parents). They lie for a living & exist in a culture where they frequently see colleagues die, so they are reluctant to form life-time bonds.

When concocting Elio Alboreto I stuck to that archetype. He's a 55 year old man who's been in the killing business since he was 19...now, at a point where he thought he was going to retire, he finds out he's an empty shell. At this critical turning point he unexpectedly has an exuberant bundle of life shoved into his arms.

Michael's situation is different of course, but he still fits the mold of the "empty shell." If I could make a prediction about how his story will progress, at least with regards to his cyborg, the presense of Jamie might start to fill the void in his life, and turn him from the path of revenge that he is on. She might convince him the life is more important than death.

Though these maybe empty shells of characters, they are far from being flat characters. Being defined in history and action (even inaction), they have become well rounded characters, which shows a promise of more later on in the story.

Lets see how it goes. I want more!

Professor Voodoo wrote:I think Yu's presentation of the handlers as rather shallow characters is not entirely unrealistic. These are empty, battered men. All of them are without family or outside friends...

Which makes one wonder why they were chosen. I guess they were expected more to be just "chaperones" to the cyborgs as opposed to active agents partnering them. So that they were "wrecks" was not the drawback you would think.

At least with the first generation, the cyborgs seem to shut down if their handlers are wounded or killed, so the handlers can't really put themselves at risk, instead standing in the safety of the shadows.

Alessandro is definitely out there at the point of the spear with his cyborg, which might grate on the Generation 1 handlers even more. The...spy...is the one operating out in the open with their cyborg while they hide in the shadows. One would think that has to grate on the soul of a professional soldier.

One wonders if they decided to make the Generation Two girls not love their handlers in order to allow them to be "re-paired" with a new handler should their original one buy the farm.

Really liked the "data mining" mission in Chapter 16. I do think Michael would probably be not much weight for Jamie to carry, however. Henrietta can lift a man with one hand with effortlessly, so a "Fireman's Carry" should be a cake-walk for them.

Too bad the Jaguar XF-R doesn't come with the FLIR camera that Cadillacs or Mercedes have as options, though evidently there is an after-market kit from ECURIE ECOSSE.

I also liked how Jamie tried to rationalize her feelings for Michael against both her understanding of how the conditioning process worked and how it didn't.

And I'd think the SWA would like the Comorra fighting amongst themselves rather than helping the PRF.

Nice catch on the Semtex chemical tag, added after Lockerbie, as I recall.

Though I think this chapter might have been better broken into two, since there are two separate storylines occurring.

Spoiler:

Nice catch on the Semtex chemical tag, added after Lockerbie, as I recall.

It's interesting how paranoid you can get when searching wikipedia for info on Semtex and other explosives. I keep waiting for the NSA to send BATFE my way, thinking I'm some sorta bad guy.

ElfenMagix wrote:Though these maybe empty shells of characters, they are far from being flat characters. Being defined in history and action (even inaction), they have become well rounded characters, which shows a promise of more later on in the story.

My intention was to say that they were empty shells of men, not empty characters. Circumstances have made them so, and the slow character exposition in GsG explores how they got that way.

On another note; as it was explained to me in literature class too many years ago, there are flat & developing characters. A developing character starts the story with a certain frame of mind, but somewhere along the journey has a cathartic moment (or more than one) that changes him or her. In the GsG saga so far, I think only Triela fits that definition of a developing character, although one could say Pinocchio does as well.

Flat characters remain largely unchanged from beginning to end. That does not mean they are boring or unimportant characters...Homer's Achillies & Ulysses are both flat characters. So is Melville's Captian Ahab. Many of Shakespeare's characters are flat as well. In the case of a "flat" hero it is the character's struggle to remain unchanged in the face of the "slings & arrows of outrageous fortune" that usually provides the drama.

Developing characters do not necessarily experience their catharsis at the climax of the story, or even near the end. Victor Hugo's Jean Valjean is a great example of this...he has 2 major catharitic moments very early in Les Miserables.

I do think Yu makes use of flat characters far more than developing in his storytelling. GsG is a vast series of character studies, rather than a tale that focuses on any one individual's personal journey.

I just finished writing chapter 29. I still need to read it for flow all the way through, but it's got a great bit of character devel in it. I think it's going to start coming together for the downhill stretch.

Ch. 15

I really like the "dorm-life" elements of fanfics, and Jamie's room-mate Maria is a real character. I'm not sure the breakfast food you mentioned is what one would typically find in Italy, but for the purposes of a story it gets the point across. To be honest, the only occasions on which I spent any spent any time in Italy I was working on a military base, and while we got out plenty for lunch or dinner, breakfast was usually taken on base...so I have no first hand information to offer about Italian breakfasts. If they are anything like France & Germany, it's much lighter than the US & UK, centering around bread, cheese & cold meats.
The misunderstanding over breakfast was well written, and a rare departure from the usual "cyborgs all getting along just fine" that you usually see. If the SWA dorm were a real place I predict there would be a lot more screaming catfights...no amount of conditioning could prevent that! Maria holds her own against Triela though, even if she is a bit gross.

I think Jean's interrogation of Michael conveyed what you wanted nicely. It was actually a bit of a tense grind to read through, as the Field Commander picked out the worst in every one of Jamie's choices. You did a good job of getting the audience to understand Michael's mind-set.

To be honest, Jamie's dream confused the hell out of me, but then again, that's what real dreams do. I have no idea what the significance of the beverage machines are (in relation to Jamie), but perhaps that will be revealed as the story progresses.

Dr. Belisario doesn't even seem concerned when Michael tells him Jamie found her old "Janet" dairy. Frankly I think letting a cyborg read her own memories (even if it was an accident, and she doesn't know it's her book) seems like a very big deal! Aside from that, Belisario's reactions to Michael's rant are realistic...how many times has he heard this before, from Guise, from Hillshire, et cetera.
Jamie playing around in the mirrored one-way glass is a cute touch to end the scene on, giving Michael a visual reminder of what he is protecting.

I'm afraid going straight into the interview with Chief Lorenzo was a bit too much tough. You have 3 "mission reviews" in this chapter, and by the third one it has become a bit tiresome. I know they're all important, but perhaps they could have been consolidated into 2, or shortened.

With the exercising she had already completed, she was taking breaths only half as much as an Olympic swimmer. Michael had plans for this special ability though the details could wait a while longer.

More foreshadowing...wonder where this is going to lead us...and Michael doesn't seem to be a fan of Chinese food? This could put him at odds with my OC handler Elio, who says (as only a grouchy old man can) "The only decent things to come out of America are Blues music & Chinese food." It's wild hyperbole of course, but the two might still have trouble picking a restaraunt together.

I needed to shower the chemicals off. The last time I went straight back without showering, poor Beatrice had to leave the room because of the chlorine smell.

Really clever touch there.

“What is it about this place that interests you, Michael?”

Alessandro jumps right in with both feet during his short exchange with Michael, but that's in character for him...asking a very deep question right away to knock the other guy off balance. Michael doesn't open up to him the way he did with Hillshire, but I wonder if Sandro suspects something anyway.

On to Chapter 16...

Maria is a character I have brainstormed a bit for her own story, but other than that, I haven't even started on her.

Good point on the third mission review. I'll have to see what I can do for that one.

I write Belisario as a fairly relaxed character, and I think the canon supports it for the most part. He's interested in control only because he has to be. With Petra in vol 8 and Claes in vol 7, he shows a large interest in how they react to what they are faced with. He seems to be 'secretly' rooting for them to become more than they are designed to be, and I think this comes across in the scenes.

His lack of reaction to the diary usage reflects his understanding that the cyborgs will encounter things or concepts from their former life. Claes does it all the time with her library and paintings. I'm sure that his acceptance of the situation is because he is interested in seeing the results.

A bit of mixed feelings on Chapter 17. As with 16, it might have worked better broken into two segments (the "Tommy Mission" and then the after effects).

I saw a lot of Jean in Michael in this chapter - "Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord, but he's not here right now so I'll kick ass in his name."

I'm a bit surprised that Jamie would ask if this was a sanctioned mission and when finding out it wasn't and expressing reservations, would then proceed to go in and kill everyone, anyway. I'd be more inclined to think she wouldn't ask questions, period. When Michael says "this is our mission - kill everyone, but this guy, who must survive because he has information that is vital to us that we must recover, no matter the risks", I felt I would expect her to say "Understood" and carry then it out.

I also found it a bit different to have Jamie tell Tommy that what she was going to do "would hurt". While I freely admit the smile Rico has plastered on her face as she beats people senseless creeps me out (she may not be a psychopath, but she looks like one), I would expect the cyborgs to more or less just "do the deed" without expression. I think personally it would have both been a bit more unsettling to read and it would have had a stronger affect on Tommy. It was almost like Jamie was apologizing for what she was about to do (and maybe she was, but it seemed like she wasn't sorry about any of it).

I know Rico apologized to Emilio before she killed him, but I will always believe that was a conditioned response (especially since she had to think about it), not any sense of emotion or guilt at having to do it. So I suppose that could have been Jamie's response, but it would have needed exposition to that effect, IMO, as Rico's response was given by Yu to set it's context.

In Public Relations, Triela jokes to Kara "you Series 2 cyborgs sure move fast" (at desiring to become physical with their handlers). I see Jamie is keeping the stereotype alive and well. Seriously, I started to alude to the same with Kara towards Michele in Yume no Kakera and even more so in Sassou and Giuoco Pianissimo (though in that story, it's Ferro explaining it to Michele on Kara's behalf, using her own experiences as a teenage girl as a backdrop).

Now that Jamie knows "the truth", I expect the second half of the story to become even more interesting. I look forward to seeing how, or if, it changes her character.

To be honest, Jamie's dream confused the hell out of me, but then
again, that's what real dreams do. I have no idea what the significance
of the beverage machines are (in relation to Jamie), but perhaps that
will be revealed as the story progresses.

The dream is more to represent her own confusion and mixed-up mind than any real 'flashback', per say. Anyway, it's a dream, it's going to be confusing.
Perhaps the only real line of note in there is the one about machines that move on their own could not be trusted. When I write, I try to write in the character's mindset, and Jamie's mind at that point is extremely confused, afraid, and uncertain.

That specific line was accidental, but it stemmed from my view of her mindset, and I came to realize that it represents her subconscious view of her cyborg body. Or something.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I'm a bit surprised that Jamie would ask if this was a sanctioned
mission and when finding out it wasn't and expressing reservations,
would then proceed to go in and kill everyone, anyway. I'd be more
inclined to think she wouldn't ask questions, period. When Michael says
"this is our mission - kill everyone, but this guy, who must survive
because he has information that is vital to us that we must recover, no
matter the risks", I felt I would expect her to say "Understood" and
carry then it out.

I mentioned earlier on in the story that her memory wipe is breaking down. There are also instances where her aggressiveness is significantly more than normal for someone who is otherwise fairly in-control. All of this is part of the story.

In any case, there is a bit of a "speak her mind" attitude coming out in her, and it's simply the result of Michael not cracking down on it and letting her get away with it.

Personally, while the intensity of the moment was my main focus, I found some amusement in the way she doesn't want to kill a specific man, but has no problem killing many lackeys to get to him.

Her words to Tommy were a combination of being in her "work" mindset, and her intentional attempt to be intimidating. Remember Michael mentioned that about her at the table with Fermi in Venice? Michael's training has been in how to take every advantage she can in any situation and while only some of it has stuck, she has ruthless down to a 'T' because he does as well. I'm not entirely sure how to explain it better. She is becoming more like him, even as he is changing.

Well that explains it then. Since I'm biting this off in small chapters, I'm not remembering it as a cohesive narrative in my mind so I am clearly missing / forgetting things. But that's my fault.

Be in my shoes. In reading the 3 stories at the same time, I'm confusing who's who and what's where; as evident by Prof. VooDoo pointing out that I goofed on his Wiki Entries and gave him credit for Mav's OCs.

Its been fixed, but you can still look at the History link and see the original entry there.

ElfenMagix wrote:In reading the 3 stories at the same time, I'm confusing who's who and what's where;

At least Robert has wrapped up The Long Weekend. That means I'm down to only reading 2 GsG stories at once for the time being, in addition to writing.

Well I imagine the story is the better for it, to be honest, since it's a cohesive narrative from a cohesive universe.

I have an admission to make:

In a recently written chapter, I introduced a character named Marissa, someone associated with Michael in his post-Prague, pre-expulsion CIA days. The name popped in my head and stuck there, and I couldn't figure out why until I glanced at Voodoo's story page. Oops. Regardless, now that I know why it bugged me, it's getting a change.

This is also one of the reasons I try to avoid reading others' work while I'm writing. Unintentional plagiarism is something I have to contend with in my head, and what seems like a good idea to me sometimes ends up as being someone else's first, and I try to mitigate that. So if I don't read your stuff immediately, this is why, and it's not personal. I'll get to it eventually.

maverick375 wrote: Regardless, ..., it's getting a change.

I don't see why, it's not as if I have a copyright on a person's name. I'm sure our respective audiences will be able to keep things straight.

I've definitely turned the corner in Chapter 30. Though it's some ways off, the end is certainly in sight.